Family issues
Posted: Sun Jul 01, 2018 1:50 am
Hey my dear Friends.
I really missed beeing here.. didn't even allow myself to read.. i was and still am having some big family issues with my origin (? Google suggest it but i am not sure if this is right) family.
Most people i know had problems with their parents as kids and teens and during adolescense. But as we grow older it shows that most of them really just had some "communicating troubles" and that they all-in-all had a great family that gave them tons of support to grow!
I was left with so much fear and so little self esteem i constantly hold myself back and today, almost 20 years after graduating i still don't have a Job, i only earn little money and can't even afford to take my kids swimming or buy me some new shows (i baught a pair for 13 euro und feel guilty - I always feel guilty!)
I know where these feelings originate from and this is pretty scary for me. I am always in guard and just cant relax. I am always in fear.
Sometimes i manage to meditate and it helps me feel good but allowing myself to do this takes quite some courage.
And strength..
And still i feel guilt and shame.. all this shame.
It is not my fault what happend when i was a kid and i am not my mothers little girl anymore. She doesn't have the full power to control me.. But she still has the Key and uses is. I wish i was the Queen of my subconcious and conscious mind. (And again there is shame.. )
I really missed beeing here.. didn't even allow myself to read.. i was and still am having some big family issues with my origin (? Google suggest it but i am not sure if this is right) family.
Most people i know had problems with their parents as kids and teens and during adolescense. But as we grow older it shows that most of them really just had some "communicating troubles" and that they all-in-all had a great family that gave them tons of support to grow!
I was left with so much fear and so little self esteem i constantly hold myself back and today, almost 20 years after graduating i still don't have a Job, i only earn little money and can't even afford to take my kids swimming or buy me some new shows (i baught a pair for 13 euro und feel guilty - I always feel guilty!)
I know where these feelings originate from and this is pretty scary for me. I am always in guard and just cant relax. I am always in fear.
Sometimes i manage to meditate and it helps me feel good but allowing myself to do this takes quite some courage.
And strength..
And still i feel guilt and shame.. all this shame.
It is not my fault what happend when i was a kid and i am not my mothers little girl anymore. She doesn't have the full power to control me.. But she still has the Key and uses is. I wish i was the Queen of my subconcious and conscious mind. (And again there is shame.. )