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It's been a long time since I wrote
here. Actually, there is a hidden file here that you can only see if I give you
the link. I wrote it in July 2002. It's very mean and nasty. The reason I don't
write anymore is because of the lovely and ever-so-talented and sweet, Faith (my
husband's ex wife.) Turns out, she likes to stalk me. Likes to read all the shit
I write on ALL of my web sites, which are MANY in case you weren't aware of
that. She likes to look into our bank accounts and see how we are spending our
money. She admitted that. I'm not making it up. It's a federal offense and she
outright told Ron that she looks at our bank account statements and credit card
statements (and god knows what else) - presumably online. I don't know if she
still is, but she ruined our "nice" relationship we had going. I would act
all nice and friendly, like I really wanted to get along. Blah, blah, blah. BUT, she ruined it. I won't go around her at all
anymore. She plainly and openly admitted that she hacked into our accounts and
that she knew what pharmacy I used from January until July. Fuck it. I won't be
around people that are so wrong and evil.
So, I don't write here much anymore. That's the reason why. I
have a journal to write in, and I have private web sites that even she can't
find, so screw it. If I have some nice rants, like the ones about clothes or
whatever, I'll put it here. But as far as personal stuff, we'll just have to
wait and see how I feel. Right now, I don't feel like much like writing personal
stuff on my site. I'm a STEP-MOTHER now, with responsibilities, hardy har har.
I'm not supposed to be quite as loony as I am (or as I may seem to you.)
Life drives me crazy. I remember why I was happy when I was a
Christian. It was because there was no need to be suicidal. The church told me
that Jesus himself was going to come down from the clouds and take me up in the
Rapture. I believed that for years. I kept waiting for it to happen. I was so
happy believing that God was really going to save me from this miserable
existence that is life. But when I finally realized, after many years, that it
was a fantasy, that it would not happen... I was stuck with reality again. The
reality that I have to live this life until it's finished. Suicide is not an
option for me (unless I'm terminally ill, and I don't see a problem with that.)
I know there is no hell, but it's the wrong thing to do. You will be very
disappointed in yourself if you bail out before your time, and more than likely,
you will make your next life even worse to make up for it. I feel like that's
what I did this time. Maybe I committed suicide last time, and that's why life
stinks. I don't know, but I can't do it again. I just have to grin and bear it,
I suppose. I'm trying to make it better, but all I really want is to go home.
Back to the spirit world. Back where my friends are. They obviously didn't
incarnate with me this time, or else, I have not run into them yet. I'm
depressed and I want out, but there is no way out for me. I won't take the risk. I
know better, I know the consequences. Fuck it. I'll holler at ya later.
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