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Ron

09-10-02

Well, my divorce was final July 2nd. Yay for me! I'm back together with Ron and we live together in my new apartment. We seem to be very happy together, except for the simple fact that I have some pretty major issues and he is in denial about it. He says I am nice and sweet and loving, etc. He is trying to use reverse psychology on me in a way. He thinks that by saying those things, it will make them true. I admit I'm acting much sweeter than I used to, but I can act lots of different ways if I choose. It doesn't mean that I actually feel those things. He's starting to get the idea though, I think. Surely he can't stay in denial for much longer before he realizes that I'm a bit weird at times. "No, honey... you're not weird! Look, I've felt the same way before, I know what it's like. There's nothing weird about you." ... "Really? That's great to know. So you have flies buzzing around in your head too? Bouncing off the sides of your skull? That's wonderful to hear. I thought I was the only one. It brings me so much comfort to see that you can relate to me."

Ha ha. Here's another one:

"Ron, I REALLY need a lot of time alone. More so than the majority of people. I can only be around someone or a group of people for a little while before I'm wishing I could leave and be alone again. This applies to almost everyone I know."

"It doesn't apply to me, does it?"

"No, of course not! You're special and different! I only pace the floors and have shot nerves when you're around because you are so very special to me. It has nothing at all to do with the fact that it's time to be alone again and put my energies back in order. No, I love being with you. Everything is perfect."

"Good, because I NEVER want to be away from you."

(Panic Attack begins) "Well, I need to take a shower" (code for "I'm going to hang out in the bathroom, the only place I can be alone.")

I've made it very clear that no one should be around the bathroom when I'm in it. Know why? Because I'm talking to myself in there, lol. Well, that's not exactly the reason, but it's a very good one. The real reason is none of your business.

Ron: "Why don't we take a vacation together? We can go visit my family up north, and go see Salem, Mass. and all the other cool places!"

Me: "Hell yeah! The thought of being away from home for a week or longer is a great comfort to me. Never mind that I can't sleep in a hotel room and the thought of meeting anyone, including your parents is like a nightmare that torments me constantly. Sure, I'd love to go! We should go visit your lobster-catching uncle too. He sounds like a fun guy. Kind of like "Rambo-of-the-Sea". I also love those super long drives ALONE that mess up all my bodily functions because I've been sitting too long. And god forbid I try to use a public bathroom. I guess I'll just hold it for 25 hours. That's okay. It's been done before. Yeah, we'll have a blast! Let's go!"

So yeah, I have a few problems. He doesn't even know the half of it. I'm pretty sure he's here to stay, but I think I'll make sure he is fully addicted to me before I let him in on the really good stuff. I'm not really used to being around someone who gets their feelings hurt so easily. That's why I try to be nicer to him than I am accustomed to being with people. I suppose it's also a good idea to just be nicer in general, so I'm giving that a try too. But it seems like the nicer I am to others, the meaner I am to myself. Maybe it just has to come out somewhere. I should start a mailing list called "Your daily abuse" and each day I will send my subscribers an email telling them how worthless they are and how hopeless their lives are and how no one could ever want them because they are not only sick and ugly, but also freaky and insane. And lazy. So there. I think that is a perfect idea. It would make me feel much better, and I think there are people out there that probably need that kind of FREE service. Maybe I'll go sign up for Yahoo groups now. If I do, I'll put up a Subscribe button here so that people can sign up. :)

Well, I had a Subscribe button, but they've deleted my group since I didn't use, so screw it.

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