|
Dumb Emails I Have Known
and Loved
I get so many silly (sometimes
ignorant and sad) emails. I don't want you
to write and be the next dumb email I get (which would end up as a story on
this page), so I'm going to tell you what is considered "not too bright".
Don't write and ask me if I have any spells. There are
free spells and
free love spells
on this web site - a lot of them. Look around the site a little before you
email me. There are also pay spells that are
guaranteed to work. I
don't do those spells myself, so don't write and tell me that you really
need it, but you don't have any money for it. Calastrology.com is the
company that offers those spells, and I am simply linking to their site. There are also a thousand other web sites with free
spells on them. Try using a search engine, like
www.Google.com. You type in a phrase
such as "spell to find a new lover" (don't use the quotes) or "free
witchcraft spells" or "levitation spells". Be specific. Don't just type in
"spells" and hope to find what you're looking for. If you learn to use
search engines properly, you will never have to ask anyone for anything
again.
Don't stop reading yet...
Spells are not Miracles!
Spells will not change the way you look. It's not
like that movie where the girls changed their hair color and eye
color and then they ruled the school. You can't look different than the way you look
now, unless you do regular things like dye your hair, get contacts, wear
nice make-up, get plastic surgery, whatever. A spell won't do it for you.
A beauty spell (which is on my spells page) can make you feel better about
yourself and boost your confidence. When you feel better about yourself,
other people will be more attracted to you. If you take a closer look at
the people you admire the most, you will usually find that they have a
special inner beauty that far exceeds any outer beauty they may possess.
Work on developing your inner beauty and you will never again feel the
need for love spells.
Spells do not do amazing things like make you fly, turn
back time, get you into the NFL, or give you a whole bunch of wishes like
a genie. If it's not something that you can accomplish in REAL LIFE, then
witchcraft can't do it for you.
For those of you who think, "You must be kidding! People
ask you stuff like this?" I can tell you that, yes, they do. And one of
the most common requests I get is "Please teach me all about witchcraft. I
want to learn. PLEASE!!!" Well, guess what kids? (And yes, I know the
majority of you are teens and pre-teens.) I have an entire web site (actually more than
one) to take care of. I
also have books to read, a consciousness level that needs raising, and I have a home to clean and
Oprah to
watch. I don't have the
time to tell you, step-by-step, how to be a witch.
There are so many books and web sites out there that will teach you
exactly what you're asking for. So like I mentioned before, do a Google
search to find what you're looking for. You may also want to join the
pagan message board if you are over 16. There are lots
of friendly, helpful people there who will be more than happy to help you
learn about paganism and witchcraft. You can also get your mom to drop you
off at the bookstore and you can sit and read books for free all day long.
That's one of my favorite things to do.
There is a difference
in Wiccan and a witch. I'm not Wiccan. Please don't write to me to
tell me that something on my site doesn't follow the Wiccan rules. I
already know it. Wicca involves a lot of religion and ceremonial type
stuff. It's complicated, in my opinion, and I don't need a complicated
religion. If you think you want to be Wiccan, or you want to know the
difference in Wicca and witchcraft, here are some useful pages to read
that explain the difference:
Wiccan or Witch - Though you can be both a Wiccan and a witch, these
two words do not mean the same thing.
Spiral Nature: Witchcraft vs. Wicca
Can you believe that someone wrote to me and asked for
spell that would "reduce their chances of pregnancy". Really, I'm not
joking. There are people that are having sex (or wanting to) and instead
of getting birth control (condoms, the pill, etc.) they want to do a spell to not get pregnant. Are the schools not
teaching kids about birth control? Listen, you will get pregnant if you
have sex and do
not use birth control. A spell will not keep you from getting pregnant.
It is so clear to me now that witchcraft is not for
everyone. It's enough to almost make me switch to New Age beliefs, which
attract adults, not kids. People just don't understand the simple things.
Doing spells is not like a miracle. If you are asking for something
impossible, it's not going to work. Please get your head on straight, and
stop living in a fairy tale. This is real life.
Here are some of the emails I have received. I think I'll
just keep adding to this list to amuse you all, as well as myself. All
spelling errors are those of the person who wrote to me. I'm not saying
all this to discourage regular, normal people from writing to me. I just
want to cut down on the number of really dumb emails I get every day. You
don't have to apologize if you write (I'm only saying that because people
have been doing it.) It's fine to write if you want to, just read some of
this stuff below and make sure your email doesn't sound like these...
My comments (the ones in parenthesis) were not the actual
replies I sent to the person, they are just comments I felt like writing
on this page. I was usually much nicer to them when I wrote them back to
explain that their request wasn't realistic.
11/02/03 - Comment made on my witchcraft jewelry poll:
"umm i am a witch so this poll would be good for others dont you beleive
in magick?" (Duh, no I just have this entire web site about
witchcraft.)
11/03/03 - Email: "Can you please send me a spell to bring
a picture to life please." (Like on Harry Potter? Hmm... I
just wrote that so I'll get search engine results for the search
"Harry Potter Spells", lol. No, you can't bring pictures to life like they
do in the movies. What if someone brought a picture of Hitler to life?
Oops! Big mistake! Then again, we could bring Jesus to life with one of
his pictures, although we don't really have a "real" picture of him, but
maybe it would work anyway, who knows? Then the end times would REALLY be
here, and the preachers could quit warning us about it!)
11/04/03 - Email: "IS THERE A SPELL TO TURN BACK TIME. I
NEED TO TURN THE CLOCK BACK TO APRIL 2003. PLEASE LET ME KNOW ASAP. THIS
IS NOT A JOKE. I CAN PAY WELL. KERRIE" (Sure, send me
$10,000 and I will send you a spell to turn back time. No refunds though.
If the spell doesn't work, that just means you didn't do it right, weren't
trying hard enough, or as the Christians would tell you when your prayers
are ignored by God, "You didn't have enough FAITH.")
11/05/03 - Email: "Hi I am back to ask how do I make
things float but not in water lol. in air. O and if you were wondering my
name is ARRESSA. I was the one who ask how to be a witch about 2 or 3 days
ago." (No, really? It's you again? With another smart
question? I would have never guessed it. I do actually have a
levitation spell now that a 16
year old boy sent me. I think it's crap, but if it works for you, please
let me know so I can tell everyone it's true and I'll take your email off
this page.)
11/05/03 - Email: "Please email me a page out of a spell
book telling me how to turn myself into a witch please."
(Sure, I'll hand type an entire page out of a book for you instead of just
giving you a link to a web site that tells you what you want.)
11/09/03 - Email: "Some of the links you have aren't
right....like the ones you have for pregnancy or to ease pain during
labor. Any Wiccan witch like me knows not to do any magick while pregnant
or even the chance of being pregnant. So I won't be visiting your website
anymore." (The reason this is dumb is because she is
referring to spells that involve no more than rubbing an apple on your
belly or holding onto crystals - quite obviously things that can't hurt
you in any way, even if you're pregnant, and even if you weren't a witch
at all, much less a "Wiccan Witch". Do you think your kid will have two
heads if you rub an apple on your belly while your pregnant? Just think
about that.)
12/06/03 - Email: "i'm really into witch craft and into
spells if you can just give me an easy simple WISH spell that i can have
12 wishes and it really works and if it's possible can i have it by
December 8,2003 since it's a full moon that will be great thanks i hope
you get my message." ("An easy, simple wish spell"
that will grant 12 wishes that really work, and I need to
have it to you in 2 days? Hmmm.... then again, instead of looking
for an impossible spell for you, I could go do some actual work and get
paid for it. Now that's an idea!)
12/07/03 - From same person as above after I told her NO:
"Hey thanks for writing back well do you have any spells that can grant
you 3 wishes you want and they will granted to you at the stroke of
midnight?? do you think if i made a wish that i had 12 wishes that i want
it will come true at the stroke of midnight cuz i really need magick cuz
my life is really mess up" (If I could wish for a wish that
would grant me 12 wishes at the stroke of midnight (is that Eastern time
or Pacific?), then I guess I'd be sitting beside my pool in Hawaii at my
huge mansion while my maid was inside cleaning and washing my clothes.
Then I'd hop into my Ferrari, no wait... my chauffeured limousine, and be
driven to the airport. Then, I'd catch a plane to Paris where I'd shop
till I dropped. That's what I'd be doing instead of writing crazy shit on
this web site.
The cardinal rule of getting three wishes (if you've ever seen those
cartoons and movies), is that one of your wishes can't be for
MORE WISHES. Everyone knows that.)
12/07/03 - Same person again: "Well thanks for writing
back and listening to all my problems but i just have one more question
can i make my self look like Arissa from the real world las vegas??"
Sure... if there is a Halloween mask that is made to look like Arissa
(who is Arissa??). You know, like the masks you can get that look like
Power Rangers or Spiderman. Maybe you could write to Arissa and ask her to
make a mold of her face, like on Mrs. Doubtfire, and send that to you and
you could wear it. I'm sure she'd be happy to do that for you.)
12/08/03 - Same person again, if you couldn't tell by the
dumb questions: "So do you have a simple wish spell that can grant you
wishes it doesn't matter how many wishes. And you don't have to use alot
of ingredients, if you do can u give it to me by today that would be
great. P.S do you think the spell will work around midnight when you do
it" (Okay, I give in... Here's the spell. "Abracabra,
Abracadoo, please make all my wishes come true." Then state your
wishes and tell whoever you're asking that you need it by midnight so
hurry the hell up and quit helping folks who are dying and make you look
like Arissa NOW! Now sit there and hold your breath - this is part of the
spell - until the wishes are granted. But if you accidentally breathe
before they are granted, they won't be granted at all.) Note: That is a
JOKE. If you hold your breath too long, you'll die, then your wishes
really won't come true, not that they were going to anyway.
12/13/03 - Email: "can you help me with a spell to reduce
your chances of pregnancy or anything to help you from pregnancy. thanx"
(I have written a special prayer/spell to the Goddess just for this
purpose: "Dear Goddess of Fertility, please help me abstain from sex, and
if by chance I DO HAVE SEX, please be sure to make me remember to USE A
CONDOM. Thank you Goddess.)
12/13/03 - "hello, my name is Michelle, i just wanted to
say that i really like your website, but iwas wondering if you can do
something for just me, i was looking for a spell to make 3 wishes for
me,The 3 wishes were, to be skinny ( not enerecik ( well i dont really
know how to say it ) to be attractive, and not to have diabetes, but, all
your spells for stuff like that are way out of my reach, i cant do all
that stuff, i mean, this is my first time trying to do spells, and i feel
like IM joining the devils side, but i dont want to, i mean i really like
the idea of witchcraft, ok well anyway, im going way off topic, what im
trying to say is that, can you make or find WORD spells for those 3 things
for me please, i cant do the candles or all that, i just need a simple
word spell only, please help me, im begging you, please, your my only
hope." (If I'm your only hope, I guess you're SOL. I think
the only way to help diabetes is to maintain a controlled diet and take
your meds as prescribed. There is no spell to make you skinny or pretty or
non-diabetic. And if this is your first time trying witchcraft, you may
want to stick with something simpler, like having 12 wishes granted at the
stroke of midnight within 2 days of doing the spell. lol.)
12/13/03 - "Look im 13 years old and im in a football team
called stratford town Reps under 13s, and i really want to become a pro
footballer could u like give me a spell that will make that happen like a
succes spell ? plz plz plz" (No, no, no. Okay, I changed my
mind. I found a spell for you - too bad you'll never see it. It is the
"Personal Success Spell". Instead
of focusing on money, focus on your football goal. It will work the same,
I'm sure. In the process, I found a bunch of new spells and they are
funny, so thanks! Click the link above to see the spell. It is in text
format. Good luck!)
12/25/03 - Guestbook entry: "My name is Julia. I really
like your website. It is very interesting. I learned quite a lot about
witchcraft. I like your spells they are very effective. Can I ask I looked
at your exoctic vacations and were you really a ghost once? I think that
was really cool. Well please write back Heather. Your very interesting.
......Julia" (She is referring to my Exotic
Vacations page, which is a joke. You'll have to see it to know how
funny this is.)
12/26/03 - Same girl that signed the guestbook above
writes an email to me: "....I saw your exotic vacations,,can i ask
were you really in your past life? Also were you really on Mars? Well I
hope to hear from you Heather!!!" (Hi Julia! Thanks for
asking. Yes, I was a ghost in my past life. The Gods didn't see fit to
give me an actual human body, so they just made me a ghost instead and I
lived my entire past life that way. I chose a house that I thought was
nice, and the lady that owned it took a picture of me. Last year, I bumped
into her at Wal-mart and she thought I looked familiar, even though she was
150 years old now and could hardly see anything. But she recognized me
from the picture she had taken a long time ago, and of course, it was in
great condition, and she scanned it for me and that's how I got it! As for
the trip to Mars, didn't you know anyone can take a trip to Mars if they
have enough money? Hell yeah! But I gotta warn you, don't wear a tank top
like I did. It gets really COLD there!)
12/31/03 - Email: "hi thank you so much your site rocks
can i ask a question were do i find me a teacher?" (You could try the
link on the home page that says "Need
a witchcraft teacher?")
Note: I have taken that link down. Try the message board if you need
witchcraft advice. Don't bother with a teacher, just read the many books
and web sites available to you and LEARN IT ON YOUR OWN.
12/31/03 - Comment in Guestbook: "hey im sorda new
to this and im a beginner and stuff u know and i always wondered can
witches fly please email me or post back ty" (Of course
they can fly! Didn't you see the Wizard of Oz? Duh.)
01/01/04 - Guestbook entry - Comments:
"is it possible to
make pencils float email me bak or post please" (Only if
it's for a good cause, like making the pencil stab your teacher in the
back of the head while she's writing on the blackboard. If you just want
to do it for fun, no that's not possible. Sorry.)
01/01/04 - Email: "can you hlep me to find spells" (maybe
you should check out my WEBSITE. It's called Everything Under the Moon and
here is a link to it.)
01/02/04 - Email (same girl as above)
"have you ever meet
a witch" (I'm just so bumfuzzled by that question that I
can't even think of anything funny to say!)
01/14/04 - Email "hey my names
robbie im 13. im a beggener and have no experiance but look forward to it!
i have been studing it 4 2 months.please help me out i have been studing
powerful black magic and tried it a couple of times but it never works 4
me."
Another Email from the same kid: "i would like to
help be a witch craft teacher" (If you guys need a 13 year old
beginner witchcraft teacher with no experience, who does black magick
spells after only studying for two months, AND the spells don't work for
him, you just let me know and I'll give
you his address, lol.)
03/02/04 - Email:
"I
am a male who want to wear women's clothes 24/7. I was wondering is there
any spell where I can put on people so they can let me wear women's
clothes even in job and every where else? Please e-mail me."
(This was NOT a joke people, I asked him. I told him if he was beautiful
enough he could work as professional drag queen. Otherwise, he needs to
work from home if he wants to dress in drag while working. NO, THERE IS NO
"SPELL" FOR THAT.)
02/11/05 - Email:
"I am currently in college and I don't need my
guardian permission do I" This is in response to the message board
which says you must be 13 or older to join.
I wrote back, "I'm having a
very hard time believing that someone who is college would even ask
whether they need a guardian's permission to join a message board. Think
about that from an 18 year old's point of view (instead of a 12 year old)
lol. Heather"
She wrote back to me,"im
sorry you have interpreted my message the wrong way.what was meant to be
written was: i dont need my guardian's permission, now do i,....being that
i am currently in colledge." She's very obviously NOT in
college - look at the way she spelled college! lol. And she is STILL
asking me for permission! College students do NOT ask for permission to
join the board because they KNOW they are over 13! This is so stupid. This
is why you need to be at least 13 to join, because kids younger than that
are still pretty ignorant for the most part. Here's the rest of the
conversation where she very predictably lies and says that it wasn't her
that was writing to me in the first place, but rather it was her younger
sister. lol.
I wrote to her: "It still
means the same thing. You are saying "Do I need my guardian's permission,
even though I am in college?" Are you saying that you are 12 years old and
you are in college? Because all the message board says is that you have to
be 13 years old or older to enter. I really don't understand why you are
asking me this. If you are 13 then you don't need permission. If you are
in college, then by default you are over 13, so why would you even ask me
if you need permission? I really don't get it, which is exactly what makes
me think that you are actually 12, not in college, because no one who is
in college would ask me something like that because they would already
know the answer. See? I'm afraid you wouldn't know how to use the message
board even if you joined. Heather"
And then I wrote to her again:
"By the way, I think a college student would probably know how to spell
"college" correctly, lol. I really don't believe you at all and I've added
your email to my dumb emails page on the site. Congratulations! People try
to get on that page all the time (and fail) but you succeeded. If you are
REALLY in college and you can prove it somehow and you have some weird
reason for writing that to me that you can make me understand, then I'll
take you off the page, but I think you are younger than 13 and there is no
way you are in college. Your emails are your evidence - the odd questions
that no adult would ask and the bad grammar skills. I'm guessing you have
an older sibling who is in college and you are maybe using their computer
and email so you thought you would pretend to be them. Anyway, that's
enough. You can't join the board because you're too young and you aren't
smart enough to know how to pretend like you are older. Heather"
She replied to the first one:
"i am truly sorry but my friend has been messing
with my e-mail....i am not in colledge though i just turned sixteen today.
i had her fill out this thing for me because i was busy at the moment. i
can handle somethng like a message board...i am not as incompetent as you
may think i am. ok? i know i dont need my parents permission, its that
simple.. i will inform my sister to stop being such an idiot and screwing
things up.sorry about this simple complecation of a younger sibling."
and then to the second one:
"I do not appreciate you insulting me so horribly.
And no, I only have an older male sibling in Texas with whom I never talk
to, and I have told you that I have younger sibling who tap into my things
without permission and enough is enough."
This correspondence was very
much like another young girl I emailed with about a year ago, who ended up
being very vulgar with me after I told her that I knew she wasn't as old
as she was claiming to be. It was insanely silly. I had her emails posted
here for a while, but they were actually so vulgar that I removed them
after a few months.
08/10/05 - A new entry for the
page, yay! Here is a guestbook entry I received that I thought would be
appropriate for this page. Feel free to email this person. She will get a
TON of spam for having her email address on this page. Of course, I told
her off, but you knew that.
Name: Julia
E-mail address:
juliaarthurs_6@hotmail.com
Comments:
YOURSITE IS THE SHITTIEST SITE EVER I TRIED SOME OF THE SPELLS AND
NONE OF THEM WORKED GET A NEW CARRER LADIE AND STOP MAKEING PEOPLE WAIST
THERE TIME ON SHIT LIKE THIS YOU SUCK BITCH!!!!!!!
Here is one I found that is
very typical of the types of emails I get a LOT of. I guess it's not
stupid really, just naive and I get tired of hearing it, so I'll put it on
this page so people won't ask me anymore:
07/06/05
Please give me a link to a web site that tells me how to turn myself into
a witch.
And of course, there needs to
be an answer to this question that tortures so many young wanna-be
witches, so here goes... I'm actually going to give you the real answer,
not a smart-ass answer. READ books about witchcraft. READ all the info you
can find about witchcraft. That's it really. Just READ. Stop asking people
to explain everything to you and READ the stuff that is freely available
all over the internet and in published books and on message boards. There
is no way to "turn yourself into a witch" really. It's something you
become over time as you learn about witchcraft and decide that you are
interested enough to actually be a witch. Now, if you join a coven, they
actually do have rituals and what-not to officially make you a witch. But
only the rare witch is in a real coven. Most of us practice alone
(solitary witch.) Some covens, mainly Wiccan covens,
have a one year waiting period before you can do spells. That's not a bad
idea really. You should study witchcraft for quite some time before you
start doing spells - at least teenagers and kids should because for some
reason you guys think that magic is like what you see on TV shows, like
"POOF!" - you've lost 30 pounds, your acne cleared up, and you are now
beautiful and have a hot new boyfriend and all the popularity you've ever
wanted. That's not going to happen. You have to work at stuff like that.
Visualization and meditation is a very good way of getting the things you
want in life. I would recommend that you learn how to do that and combine
it with spells to get what you want. A good site to visit to learn about
mind power and how to use it is learnmindpower.com. Don't bother going
there, because it's difficult to do and you'll probably never follow
through and do the exercises every single day. Just stay on my site
instead. It's more fun.
Sorry folks, but I have
removed my email address from the site. I hope to someday open my inbox
back up and start accepting questions from people again, but I just feel
bad when I don't get around to answering the questions, so I removed my
address so I could quit feeling guilty about it.
|
