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Dumb Emails I Have Known and Loved


 

 

I get so many silly emails. I don't want you to write and be the next dumb email I get, so here are some examples of questions I'd prefer you didn't send to me.

Don't write and ask me if I have any spells. There are free spells and free love spells on this web site - hundreds of them. There are also pay spells you can purchase. I don't perform spells in exchange for money, so please don't write and tell me that you really need someone to cast a spell for you but you don't have any money for it. I may offer to light a candle for you, but that's probably not the individual attention you desire since I usually do blessings for a lot of people at the same time. (Join/like my Facebook page if you want to be notified when I'm doing a blessing ritual for my friends.)

Calastrology.com is the company offering pay spells and good luck charms, and I'm simply linking to their site. There are also a thousand other web sites with free spells on them. Try using a search engine, like www.Google.com. You type in a phrase such as "spell to find a new lover" (don't use the quotes) or "free witchcraft spells" or "levitation spells". Be specific. Don't just type in "spells" and hope to find what you're looking for. If you learn to use search engines properly, you will never have to ask anyone for anything again.

Don't stop reading yet...

Spells are not Miracles!

Spells will not dramatically change the way you look.

It's not like on The Craft, where the girls used a spell to change their eye color (lol) and hair color and then they ruled the school. Despite that link I just gave you, you can't look much different than the way you look now, unless you do regular things like dye your hair, get contacts, wear pretty make-up, get plastic surgery, whatever. A spell won't do it for you. A beauty spell can make you feel better about yourself and boost your confidence, and when you feel better about yourself, other people will be more attracted to you. If you take a closer look at the people you admire the most, you will usually find that they have a special inner beauty and confidence that far exceeds any outer beauty they may possess. Work on developing your inner beauty and you will never again feel the need for love spells and beauty spells. I know how trite that sounds, but there are plenty of people in the world who aren't traditionally "beautiful" but who are still considered extraordinary and special.

Spells don't do amazing things like make you fly, turn back time, get you into the NFL, or give you a whole bunch of wishes like a genie.

For those of you who think, "You must be kidding! People ask you stuff like this?" I can tell you that, yes, they do. (Keep reading for funny examples.) And one of the most common requests I get is "Please teach me all about witchcraft. I want to learn. PLEASE!!!" For those people, I have posted this article: How to Become a Witch. You may also join the pagan message board if you are over 16 (or mature enough to pass as 16). There are lots of friendly, helpful people there who will be more than happy to help you learn about paganism and witchcraft. And there's a massive amount of information that's already been posted there and you're welcome to read through that. Also consider asking your mom to drop you off at the bookstore where you can sit and read witchcraft books all day long for free. That's one of my favorite things to do (minus the Mom dropping me off part.) And also check out the Articles page for many articles on witchcraft, psychic powers, tarot, Reiki, and more.

A spell will not keep you from getting pregnant.

Can you believe that someone wrote to me and asked for spell that would "reduce their chances of pregnancy". Really, I'm not joking. There are people that are having sex (or wanting to) and instead of using some form of birth control (condoms, the pill, etc.) they want to do a spell to not get pregnant. Are the schools not teaching kids about birth control? Listen to me... you will get pregnant if you have sex and do not use birth control.

It is so clear to me now that witchcraft is not for everyone. Doing spells is not like an instant miracle. If you're asking for an impossible fantasy to come true, it's not going to work. Please get your head on straight, and stop living in a fairytale. This is real life.

Here are some of the emails I've received. I think I'll just keep adding to this list to amuse you all, as well as myself. I'm not saying all this to discourage regular, normal people from writing to me. I just want to cut down on the number of really dumb emails I get every day. You don't have to apologize if you write (I'm only saying that because people have been doing it.) It's fine to write if you want to, just read some of this stuff below and make sure your email doesn't sound like these...

My comments (the ones in parentheses) were not the actual replies I sent to the person, they are just comments I felt like writing on this page. I was usually much nicer to them when I wrote them back to explain that their request wasn't realistic.

Spelling and grammatical errors were left as they were.


11/02/03 - Comment made on my witchcraft jewelry poll:

"umm i am a witch so this poll would be good for others dont you beleive in magick?"

No, I just have this entire web site about witchcraft so I can piss off my mother.

11/03/03 - Email:

"Can you please send me a spell to bring a picture to life please."

Like on Harry Potter? No, you can't bring pictures to life like they do in the movies. What if someone brought a picture of Hitler to life? Oops! Big mistake! Then again, we could bring Jesus to life with one of his pictures, although we don't really have a "real" picture of him, but maybe it would work anyway, who knows? Then the end times would REALLY be here, and the preachers could quit warning us all about it!

11/04/03 - Email:

"IS THERE A SPELL TO TURN BACK TIME. I NEED TO TURN THE CLOCK BACK TO APRIL 2003. PLEASE LET ME KNOW ASAP. THIS IS NOT A JOKE. I CAN PAY WELL. KERRIE"

Sure, send me $10,000 and I will send you a spell to turn back time. No refunds though. If the spell doesn't work, that just means you didn't do it right, weren't trying hard enough, or as the Christians would tell you when your prayers are ignored by God, "You didn't have enough FAITH."

11/05/03 - Email:

"Hi I am back to ask how do I make things float but not in water lol. in air. O and if you were wondering my name is ARRESSA. I was the one who ask how to be a witch about 2 or 3 days ago."

No, really? It's you again? With another intelligent question? I would have never guessed it. I do actually have a levitation spell now. A 16-year-old boy sent it to me. I think it's crap, but if it works for you, please let me know so I can tell everyone it's true and I'll take your email off this page.

11/05/03 - Email:

"Please email me a page out of a spell book telling me how to turn myself into a witch please."

Sure, I'll hand type an entire page out of a book for you instead of just giving you a link to a web site that tells you what you want.

11/09/03 - Email:

"Some of the links you have aren't right....like the ones you have for pregnancy or to ease pain during labor. Any Wiccan witch like me knows not to do any magick while pregnant or even the chance of being pregnant. So I won't be visiting your website anymore."

The reason this is dumb is because she's referring to spells that involve no more than rubbing an apple on your belly or holding crystals - quite obviously things that can't hurt you in any way, even if you're pregnant, and even if you weren't a witch at all, much less a "Wiccan witch". Do you think your kid will have two heads if you rub an apple on your belly while your pregnant? Just think about that.

12/06/03 - Email:

"i'm really into witch craft and into spells if you can just give me an easy simple WISH spell that i can have 12 wishes and it really works and if it's possible can i have it by December 8,2003 since it's a full moon that will be great thanks i hope you get my message."

An "easy, simple wish spell" that will grant "12 wishes" that "really work", and I need to have it to you in "2 days"? Hmmm.... then again, instead of looking for an impossible spell for you, I could go do some actual work and get paid for it! Gee, which should I do? Impossible spell for total stranger, or do work and get paid for it? Such a tough decision... guess I'll have to get back to you on that.

12/07/03 - From same person as above after I told her NO:

"Hey thanks for writing back well do you have any spells that can grant you 3 wishes you want and they will granted to you at the stroke of midnight?? do you think if i made a wish that i had 12 wishes that i want it will come true at the stroke of midnight cuz i really need magick cuz my life is really mess up"

If I could wish for a wish that would grant me 12 wishes at the stroke of midnight (is that Eastern time or Pacific?), then I guess I'd be sitting beside my pool in Hawaii at my huge mansion while my maid was inside cleaning and washing my clothes. Then I'd hop into my Ferrari, no wait... my chauffeured limousine, and be driven to the airport. Then, I'd catch a plane to Paris where I'd shop till I dropped. That's what I'd be doing instead of writing crazy shit on this web site.

The cardinal rule of getting three wishes (if you've ever seen those cartoons and movies), is that one of your wishes can't be for MORE WISHES. Everyone knows that.

12/07/03 - Same person again:

"Well thanks for writing back and listening to all my problems but i just have one more question can i make my self look like Arissa from the real world las vegas??"

Sure... Maybe you could write to Arissa and ask her to make a mold of her face, like on Mrs. Doubtfire, and send that to you and you could wear it. I'm sure she'd be happy to do that for you.)

12/08/03 - Same person again, if you couldn't tell by the dumb questions:

So do you have a simple wish spell that can grant you wishes it doesn't matter how many wishes. And you don't have to use alot of ingredients, if you do can u give it to me by today that would be great. P.S do you think the spell will work around midnight when you do it

Okay, I give in... Here's the spell.

"Abracabra, Abrabacadoo,
Shaggy, Scrappy, and Scooby-dooby-doo,
At the stroke of midnight I ask this of you,
please make all my wishes come true."

Then state your wishes and tell whoever you're asking that you need it by midnight so hurry the hell up and quit helping folks who are dying and make you look like Arissa NOW! Next, sit there and hold your breath - this is part of the spell - until the wishes are granted. But if you accidentally breathe before they are granted, they won't be granted at all.
Note: That is a JOKE. If you hold your breath too long, you'll die, then your wishes really won't come true, not that they were going to anyway.

12/13/03 - Email:

"can you help me with a spell to reduce your chances of pregnancy or anything to help you from pregnancy. thanx"

I've written a special prayer to the Goddess just for this purpose:
"Dear Goddess of Fertility, please help me abstain from sex, and if by chance I DO HAVE SEX, please be sure to make me remember to USE A CONDOM. Thank you Goddess."

12/13/03 -

"hello, my name is Michelle, i just wanted to say that i really like your website, but iwas wondering if you can do something for just me, i was looking for a spell to make 3 wishes for me, The 3 wishes were, to be skinny ( not enerecik ( well i dont really know how to say it ) to be attractive, and not to have diabetes, but, all your spells for stuff like that are way out of my reach, i cant do all that stuff, i mean, this is my first time trying to do spells, and i feel like IM joining the devils side, but i dont want to, i mean i really like the idea of witchcraft, ok well anyway, im going way off topic, what im trying to say is that, can you make or find WORD spells for those 3 things for me please, i cant do the candles or all that, i just need a simple word spell only, please help me, im begging you, please, your my only hope."

If I'm your only hope, I guess you're SoL ("sh*t out of luck", as we say in the South). I think the only way to help diabetes is to maintain a controlled diet and take your meds, if required. There's no spell to make you skinny or pretty or non-diabetic. And if this is your first time trying witchcraft, you may want to stick with something simpler, like having twelve wishes granted at the stroke of midnight within two days of doing the spell. ;)

12/13/03 -

"Look im 13 years old and im in a football team called stratford town Reps under 13s, and i really want to become a pro footballer could u like give me a spell that will make that happen like a succes spell ? plz plz plz"

No, no, no.

Okay, I changed my mind. I found a spell for you - too bad you'll never see it since I didn't email it to you. I just put it on this page instead. It's the Personal Success Spell. Instead of focusing on money, focus on your football goal. It will work the same, I'm sure. In the process, I found a bunch of new spells and they are funny, so thanks! Click the link above to see the spell. Good luck!

12/25/03 - Guestbook entry:

"My name is Julia. I really like your website. It is very interesting. I learned quite a lot about witchcraft. I like your spells they are very effective. Can I ask I looked at your exoctic vacations and were you really a ghost once? I think that was really cool. Well please write back Starwitch. Your very interesting. ......Julia"

She's referring to my Exotic Vacations page, which is a joke. You'll have to see it to know how silly this question is. It's just some really bad graphics editing of me in different locations.

12/26/03 - Same girl that signed the guestbook above writes an email to me:

"....I saw your exotic vacations,,can i ask were you really in your past life? Also were you really on Mars? Well I hope to hear from you Starwitch!!!"

Hi Julia! Thanks for asking. Yes, I was a ghost in my past life. The Gods didn't see fit to give me an actual human body, so they just made me a ghost instead and I lived my entire past life that way. I chose a house that I thought was nice, and the lady that owned it took a picture of me. Last year, I bumped into her at Wal-mart and she thought I looked familiar, even though she was 150 years old now and could hardly see anything. But she recognized me from the picture she had taken a long time ago, and of course it was in great condition and she scanned it for me and that's how I got it! As for the trip to Mars, didn't you know anyone can take a trip to Mars if they have enough money? But I gotta warn you, don't wear a tank top like I did. It gets really COLD there!

12/31/03 - Email:

"hi thank you so much your site rocks can i ask a question were do i find me a teacher?"

You could try the link on the home page that says Need a witchcraft teacher?
Note: I have taken that link down. Try the message board if you need witchcraft advice. Don't bother with a teacher, just read the many books and web sites available to you and LEARN IT ON YOUR OWN.

12/31/03 - Comment in Guestbook:

"hey im sorda new to this and im a beginner and stuff u know and i always wondered can witches fly please email me or post back ty"

Of course they can fly! Didn't you see the Wizard of Oz?

01/01/04 - Guestbook entry:

"is it possible to make pencils float email me bak or post please"

Only if it's for a good cause, like making the pencil stab your teacher in the back of the head while she's writing on the blackboard. If you just want to do it for fun, no that's not possible. Sorry.

01/01/04 - Email:

"can you hlep me to find spells"

Maybe you should check out my WEBSITE. It's called Everything Under the Moon and here is a link to it.

01/02/04 - Email (same girl as above)

"have you ever meet a witch"

Yes, one day I was walking through my home, as usual. As I went into the bathroom to take a... well, that's not really your business, now is it?.... anyway, I suddenly saw a woman standing before me. I just somehow knew that she was a WITCH! After further contemplation I realized that the women standing before me was ME. I was standing in front a mirror. The witch was I! So to answer your question, YES I have met a witch because I AM A WITCH!

01/14/04 - Email

"hey my names robbie im 13. im a beggener and have no experiance but look forward to it! i have been studing it 4 2 months.please help me out i have been studing powerful black magic and tried it a couple of times but it never works 4 me."

Another Email from the same kid:

"i would like to help be a witch craft teacher"

If you guys need a 13 year old beginner witchcraft teacher with no experience, who does black magick spells after only studying for two months, AND the spells don't work for him, you just let me know and I'll give you his address, lol. And by the way, this is exactly what I mean when I tell you that you don't need a teacher. You have no idea whether the person really knows more than you do or whether they're just pretending.

03/02/04 - Email:

"I am a male who want to wear women's clothes 24/7. I was wondering is there any spell where I can put on people so they can let me wear women's clothes even in job and every where else? Please e-mail me."

This was NOT a joke people, I asked him. I told him if he was beautiful enough he could work as professional drag queen. Otherwise, he needs to work from home if he wants to dress in drag while working. NO, THERE IS NO "SPELL" FOR THAT.

02/11/05 - Email:

"I am currently in college and I don't need my guardian permission do I"

This is in response to the message board which said 'you must be 13 or older to join'.

I wrote back, "I'm having a very hard time believing that someone who is college would even ask whether they need a guardian's permission to join a message board. Think about that from an 18-year-old's point of view (instead of a 12-year-old's) lol. Starwitch"

She wrote back to me,

"im sorry you have interpreted my message the wrong way. what was meant to be written was: i dont need my guardian's permission, now do i,....being that i am currently in colledge."

She's very obviously NOT in college - look at the way she spelled college! lol. And she is STILL asking me for permission! College students do NOT ask for permission to join the board because they KNOW they are over 13! This is so stupid. This is why you need to be at least 13 to join, because kids younger than that are still pretty ignorant for the most part. Here's the rest of the conversation where she very predictably lies and says that it wasn't her that was writing to me in the first place, but rather it was her younger sister. lol.

I wrote to her: "It still means the same thing. You are saying "Do I need my guardian's permission, even though I am in college?" Are you saying that you are 12 years old and you are in college? Because all the message board says is that you have to be 13 years old or older to enter. I really don't understand why you're asking me this. If you are 13 then you don't need permission. If you are in college, then by default you're over 13, so why would you even ask me if you need permission? I really don't get it, which is exactly what makes me think that you are actually 12, not in college, because no one who is in college would ask me something like that because they would already know the answer. See? I'm afraid you wouldn't know how to use the message board even if you joined. Starwitch"

And then I wrote to her again: "By the way, I think a college student would probably know how to spell "college" correctly, lol. I really don't believe you at all and I've added your email to my dumb emails page on the site. Congratulations! People try to get on that page all the time (and fail) but you succeeded. If you are REALLY in college and you can prove it somehow and you have some weird reason for writing that to me that you can make me understand, then I'll take you off the page, but I think you are younger than 13 and there is no way you are in college. Your emails are your evidence - the odd questions that no adult would ask and the bad grammar skills. I'm guessing you have an older sibling who is in college and you are maybe using their computer and email so you thought you would pretend to be them. Anyway, that's enough. You can't join the board because you're too young and you aren't smart enough to know how to pretend like you are older. Starwitch"

She replied to the first one:

"i am truly sorry but my friend has been messing with my e-mail....i am not in colledge though i just turned sixteen today. i had her fill out this thing for me because i was busy at the moment. i can handle somethng like a message board...i am not as incompetent as you may think i am. ok? i know i dont need my parents permission, its that simple.. i will inform my sister to stop being such an idiot and screwing things up.sorry about this simple complecation of a younger sibling."

and then to the second one:

"I do not appreciate you insulting me so horribly. And no, I only have an older male sibling in Texas with whom I never talk to, and I have told you that I have younger sibling who tap into my things without permission and enough is enough."

This correspondence was very much like another young girl I emailed with about a year ago, who ended up being very vulgar with me after I told her that I knew she wasn't as old as she was claiming to be. It was insanely silly. I had her emails posted here for a while, but they were actually so vulgar that I removed them after a few months.

Here is one I found that is very typical of the types of emails I get a LOT of. I guess it's not stupid really, just naive and I get tired of hearing it, so I'll put it on this page so people won't ask me anymore:

07/06/05

Please give me a link to a web site that tells me how to turn myself into a witch.

And of course, there needs to be an answer to this question that tortures so many young wanna-be witches, so here goes... I'm actually going to give you the real answer, not a smart-ass answer. READ books about witchcraft. READ all the info you can find about witchcraft. That's it really. Just READ. Stop asking people to explain everything to you and READ the stuff that is freely available all over the internet and in published books and on message boards. There is no way to "turn yourself into a witch" really. It's something you become over time, as you learn about witchcraft and decide that you are interested enough to actually be a witch. Now if you join a coven, they actually do have rituals and whatnot to officially declare you a witch. But only the rare witch is in a real coven. Most of us practice alone (solitary witch.) Some covens, mainly Wiccan covens, have a one year waiting period before you can do spells. That's not a bad idea really. You should study witchcraft for quite some time before you start doing spells - at least teenagers and kids should because for some reason you guys think that magic is like what you see on TV shows, like POOF! - you've lost 30 pounds, your acne cleared up, and you are now beautiful and have a hot new boyfriend and all the popularity you've ever wanted. That's not going to happen. You have to work at stuff like that.

Visualization and meditation is a very good way of getting the things you want in life. I'd recommend that you learn how to do that and combine it with spells to get what you want. A good site to visit to learn about mind power and how to use it is learnmindpower.com. Don't bother going there, because it's difficult to do and you'll probably never follow through and do the exercises every day. Just stay on my site instead. It's more fun. I also added this article to the site: How to Become a Witch.

11/14/10 - Email on Facebook:

Hello! Please help me with my biggest wish- becoming omnipotent wizard. That means that I can conjure things out of nothing, morf myself into an animal, see in dark, teleport myself etc. Please help me. Ill do anything for my wish! Please see this article and make me a wizard with supernatural powers. Please, I will do anything and everything for this wish! Please!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_superhuman_features_and_abilities_in_fiction

PS: could You add me as a friend, please?

 

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