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The Childfree Lifestyle


My step-daughter is 8 years old now, so she's much easier to get along with than she was at five. You get a lot of whining from a five year old. Eight-year-olds seem to have a better grip on reality, for sure.

Do you watch those Nanny shows? Nanny 911 and SuperNanny? I watch those almost every week. It's a great reminder of why I don't want kids of my own. It drives me crazy, seeing those families. They'll have like FOUR kids and they can't control any of them and everything is falling apart. Meanwhile, Dad is sitting around reading the paper and ignoring the chaos while Mom runs around like a crazy woman, trying to help everyone and do everything. It's insane!

Don't you think they would realize after the first two kids that they are losing their minds? Why would they go on to have two more? I don't get it. And do they ever consider the fact that the world is WAY overpopulated? (NO). Have a kid if you want. Have two even, if you really, really like kids. But please don't have FOUR! That is way too much of a contribution (that we don't need) to our world.

I was speaking to my long-distance friend Lindsey, who has one child, and she asked me why I thought the tsunami happened. I told her that I thought it was Mother Earth's way of dealing with overpopulation. She freaked out (in a good way), because she thought the same thing, but had never heard anyone else say that about it.

People are all like, "Why? Why would God allow this to happen?" Duh.. why do you think? Keep popping out more and more babies and you'll see what else Mother Earth can do to help us with our overpopulation problems. I'm sure she has lots of tricks up her sleeve. The sorry part is that even people like me, who are doing their part and not contributing to population growth, will still die in the disasters that everyone else caused. And just when my life started getting really good.

I don't need any hate mail from parents who think I'm a child-hater. The issue isn't about whether or not I personally like kids. It's about whether the Earth NEEDS more children. But the issue of whether I actually LIKE kids is a lot more interesting to talk about, isn't it? Little kids... cute little kids... adorable little snot-faced children...

It's funny, isn't it, how a little kid can have snot running all down their face and into their mouth and they just don't notice it? Don't they feel the cool, crisp breeze on their tiny, snot-covered faces? Don't they taste the sweet deliciousness of the snot as it oozes into their cute, tiny mouths? Apparently not. I find it difficult to believe that they really don't know it's there. But if you don't make them wipe it, they will go all day like that, just doing a little "sniff-sniff sniiiiiiiiiiiffffff", trying to suck the snot back in once in a while.

So there was a new school shooting yesterday. On an Indian reservation - odd twist. I would have thought the Indians were somehow better than the rest of us - more spiritual, more peaceful. But obviously they suffer from the same problems - the problem of horrible children picking on other children.

Everyone thinks their child isn't a bully, right? You are reading this right now thinking that it can't be your child - it's those other kids that are doing it. The mean ones. Well, guess what? Nearly all kids are mean, at least to each other. It's the nakedness of human nature. Children haven't learned to be civilized yet, They haven't learned to pretend like they aren't assholes like most adults have. So they act out on their basic urges, which is to demean, humiliate, bully, hit, and kill other people. This is most especially true of teenagers. You would think that at their age, they would know how to act civilized, but the hard truth is is that they do not know how. They act like morons in public.

I was at Fazoli's the other day (a restaurant) and had to decide whether to sit near a huge family with about 6 kids, who were whining and carrying on, or sit near three teenagers. I chose the teenagers - two boys and one girl.

Ron said as soon as the teenage girl saw him, she started telling the boys to look at the bump on his head (a big bump where I had accidentally whacked him with my keys a week ago.) They turned around and looked and started laughing (loudly) about it.

Then when that hilarious event was over, one of the boys started sticking objects in his shirt to make him look like he had boobs (which even I admit is always funny.) The girl laughed SO HARD that she ended up literally on the floor of the restaurant, next to their booth, just laughing and laughing, and generally making an ass of herself.

The funny thing is, I KNOW they think they're cool. They think they are the shit - that they have some private joke that everyone else wishes they were in on and that everyone is astounded by their coolness and the fact that they have friends to laugh with. I know that's their attitude. I wish they realized the truth though - that no one else cares and that we are annoyed when ANYONE - teenagers, adults, or children, act up in public and intentionally draw attention to themselves like that. It's not cool at all. It's immature, foolish, and annoying to everyone around them. But they don't care. Because that's their next big act - pretending that they don't care about what anyone thinks, when in reality they care more about what other people think than any other age group does.

Then of course, there's the fact that they treat their parents like shit, rolling their eyes at everything, putting on the face that says, "I can't believe I have to be here with these losers (my parents). I'm so much cooler than this. How lame." They just conveniently forget that you have spent the last 15 years paying their way, giving them everything they want or need, and doing your best to raise them to be decent humans. Now you are just an embarrassment to them at best, and at worst they hate you and kill you or themselves (or the whole school) to prove how miserable they are. Oh, the drama of being a teenager. And the never ending JOY of raising one. Yes, that's the life.

Hmm... what can I do to totally turn my life upside-down, make me miserable, be broke all the time, never get a moment's peace, and in the end get no thanks for all my sacrifice? Oh that's right, I could have children! Yay! It's such a great idea. Why didn't I think of it sooner? Let's all think back and try to remember how often we told our parents thank you for giving up their entire life to raise us, giving up buying any luxuries so they could buy us treats that we wanted, giving up their sanity to be surrounded by screaming children all day who always want attention and can't do anything for themselves? Some of us may have realized at one point what we put our parents through, but it's unlikely you really ever told them "thanks" for it. If you did, I certainly commend you for it. Well, I intend to live my life peacefully. No, I don't think I'm missing out. No, I don't worry about who will take care of me when I'm old (a very selfish reason to have kids anyway.) No, I won't regret it and NO I WON'T CHANGE MY MIND, as people so often love to say to the Childfree people of the world. There are many reasons NOT to bring more children into this world. There are very few reasons to have kids that are valid reasons, not selfish reasons, yet breeders call Childfree people selfish. I don't think they've looked at their own reasons for having children if they think people without children are selfish. Mothers really get the raw end of the deal when it comes to having kids, but they don't realize that until it's too late. Lucky for me, I did my research and found out before it was too late. I know what you're going through as mothers (I've seen you on shows like Nanny 911.) I'd rather keep my life just the way it is, thank you.

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