The Summer I chased the Sun

[Zili]

Original:

He stood with his back to the sun
Looking at me from acrossthe street,
His gaze could melt my heart
His smile grew into a grin. He turned and began to walk.
I couldn't help but follow a golden thread pulled me along behind him.
He stopped and sat upon an old metal bench, he pulled me to him.
Our lips touched
Behind closed eyes I was whisked away,
Through the trees, past the snow-capped mountains,
Across the sky, until I was beyond all existance.
Only a moment passed. He lifed my chin to look into my eyes.
Quickly I turned away as I felt heat rise to the surface of my skin.
He chuckled at my blushing and kissed my fiery red cheeks several times over,
Until I cried from laughter.
As the the sun set throwing a blanket of reds and oranges across the sky,
We chased the dying sun, and I felt a feeling deep in my soul.
He laced his fingersin mine, the feeling could only be love.

as you can see the poem is filled with cliches, in writing cliches are a bad bad thing!

Without Cliches

He stood with his back to the sun, looking at me from across the street.
His smile grewinto a grin, he then turned and began to walk.
I couldn't help but follow a golden thread pulled me along behind him.
Eventually he stopped and sat upon an old metal bench and drew me to him.
He was certain of what he wanted, I was hesitant to let him in.
Behind closed eyes as his lips stopped the trembling of mine, I found myself outside of time.
Finger tips rough from years of work coaxed my chin to tilt upwards.
The embarrassment of knowing others could see our moment of privacy couldn't be hidden.
He chuckled at my blushing and kissed my firey red cheeks several times over,
Until I cried from laughter.
As the sun set throwing a blanket of reds and oranges across the sky,
Selene would soon take her reign of the sky
He rose and took my hand in his and we decided to chase the golden chariots of Helios's fire.

In this version there's a lot of little words that aren't needed and lots of little words that are repetatie and some line breaks that could use some editing.

Final Version:

He stood with his back to the sun, looking at me from across the street.
His smile grewinto a grin, then he turned
I couldn't help but follow, a golden thread pulled me along behind.
Eventually he stopped, sat upon an old metal bench, drew me to him.
He was certain of what he wanted, I was hesitant to let him in.
His lips stopped the trembling of mine, I found myself
Outside of time. Finger tips rough from years of work coaxed my chin upwards.
The embarrassment of knowing others could see
He laughed at my blushing and kissed my red cheeks
Until I cried from laughter.
The sun set throwing a blanket of reds and oranges across the sky,
Selene would soon take her reign; He rose
Took my hand in his and we chased the golden chariots of Helios's fire.

[Luna Lisa]

Zili I like that poem. Very romantic.