Failure

[LA-Fairy]

God, I feel so pathetic right now... but I think I need to get this out. I've been crying all night and all day. And this will be long.

As I said in an earlier thread, my mom passed away April 2010, and well I was alone with her, and for the previous 2 years, knowing her health, it was my biggest fear, of that happening. So I still lie in bed at night, and that scene is in my head, and I start to cry. Just a little. I didn't have the best relationship with my mom, but yeah that morning stuff happened, and I've been traumatized... Nobody understands, because they weren't there. So they all moved on.

Then what has been bothering me, is that, I have this crazy fear of normal average everyday working job life. I'm not lazy, you tell me what to do and I do it. But I am super insecure and I have trouble communicating, all goes down hill when I get nervous. I've managed to get a job at a fast food joint, but had to quiet after 3 days because I was so stressed out, I was crying like I was just mobbed or something. I had trouble sleeping, and after only 4 hours of working there, I had no motivation to do any artsy stuff. And I love art, so that seemed like a big sacrifice. So my little cousin got the same job, and she enjoys it, well, enough to go in even when she is feeling sick. I am happy for her, but it bothers me that I can't do that.
Everyone is like, take a deep breathe and relax, but it doesn't work for me. So no fast food, no waitress job, and nothing that has too much phone interaction. I can't understand some peoples accent around here, and 1, once I don't understand and they don't say it slow and proper, I don't understand, and 2, if I have to ask 3 times, I get mad.

So, 3 months after my mom died, my dad went on a few dates, but said they weren't dates, and the thing with the watch happened, and something bad to him, that we both connected to a paranormal warning. But he didn't listen.
This one time, he said, she would call him around 1 to grab a bite to eat, and around 2 o'clock there was no phone call, and I was starting to get hungry, so I asked if we can go get some chicken, and he said, he can't.
Which already pissed me off, but then at 3 o'clock the phone rang, and he was out the door.

I didn't day anything though. After him moaning about not having anyone to date, I told him, that he created that bad luck for himself. Going on dates, and not being honest about it, after just 3 months, when he was upset that his mother started seeing her new boyfriend, 3 months after grandpa passed. And it felt to me, like she was a reserved, a back up plan, since he was already joyfully talking about her when mom was still around. Nothing like that, just you know mentioning her, and I thought it was wrong. You know, that gut feeling.

Last saturday he went on a date, I was feeling a little iffy about it, but I was like, wth.
Well, he didn't say anything about it, so I didn't ask. I really didn't care to be honest. But she gets randomly mentioned and it's like, ohhkay, whatever.
A few weeks back, we were told about one of his cousins, he had broken up with his girlfriend because his daughters didn't like it. They felt like he didn't honor their mother, and my dad asked, "you're not gonna be this way will you?"
I didn't say anything, because I didn't know. I was kinda hoping, it would take a few more years. See, the cousins wife, she has passed more then five years ago, and his daughters still don't like the idea. And here I am, knowing my mom wasn't okay with the first, and it's been only 2 years.
Well, last night, I asked my dad when he will be off of work, and he asked me why I asked, so I just stated drivers license!
I need to take my driving test, but my nervous are, making me insecure. If i know where I am going, I can handle it.
So I've been ragged on getting my license, which I do need, but when I said I was ready to take my test, all I got was this, are you sure you are ready vibe. And it made me all insecure again. Not to mention the parallel parking practice was a disaster.
Back to last night, he was like, oh, but don't forget I have plans next week. So he started counting the stuff up, and he got to jefferson, so I squeaked, 'I wanna go' and he stopped for a second, and I got a 'but we will ride motorcycles' and I said so? Then he said, 'I guess I can make two trips.'
See, last week, we saw the commercial for shreveports albasha restraunt and I said, that's what we should do when you have a week off, go there and to toys r us, and I got blown off with a nasty, 'you need to get a job and a life.' Like we couldn't afford it. So I was hurt, by the fact that he is already planning these trips and I feel all left out.
I mean, it's natural, to move on and stuff, and not to everything with your dad, but it just hurt me, really really bad.
And I have a gut feeling, the week after he is back to work, he will be complaining about money again and I will be like, yup, if only you wouldn't have let the fancy man hang out. I feel terrible for this, btw.

So I laid in bed, and it just got worse and worse. How will this play out, I don't want my dad to date somebody that will get between me and him, and talk him into moving into a new house and getting him into trouble. Drunk bar fights, you know that kind of stuff. I worry about that stuff. And what if I don't like here, will I not like her because I feel unwanted and an old relic of something isn't there no more, the relationship with my mother. What if I really don't like her, because she (or whoever he ends up dating) is really not a good person, and everyone will think, that I am just jealous and hurt?
After that I had to fight the thoughts of, wishing I had the courage to commit suicide. So that I, the old relic would be gone, and he can start from zero. And I kept telling myself how lame that thought is, but the tears just continued.

My dad calls everyday from work, ( I know he cares, since he does that) and I fessed up. I told him all of that. And he said, he still cares about me, and that I don't need to worry about him kicking me out, and that he thinks this situation is weird as well, but he needs to get a life. And he wants to help me, but he doesn't know how. And I told him, about the suicidal thoughts, and he said, I wouldn't do that and I said, yes, but I WISH I had the courage to commit suicide. And he said, he wouldn't know what to do if I did that or if something bad happened to me.

And I get it, he is 55 and he wants to start seeing someone before he is too old. I get that. But it feels weird, all around and I don't like it. And if continues the way it is, he will be like his mother, and he can't stand this guy and how he has effected the relationships my grandma has with everyone else. I don't want to be this girl.
But I can't stop feeling hurt and in the way and useless. This is so lame.

I am trying right now, to not think about suicide, or hurting myself. When me and my boyfriend broke up, over the phone in november, I think that was the last time, I cut myself, so I am trying to stay away from that feeling. But, I just want it all to end.
Since witches don't believe in the devil, and therefor hell I guess (But there is hades...soo?), and the christians (catholics anyway) believe that people who commit suicide will go to hell.. where do we go?
Well at least one person asked me what happened, after I posted that I cried through a whole box of tissue right away. Nice to know.
But still, this won't go away. I have now talked about it and I plan on talking about it more, with old friends.
Is there any spell or ritual I can do over and over to make this feeling go away? I prayed last night, to Nyx, but the darkness of my thoughts drowned everything out.

[The Judge]

If you ever need anyone to talk to, we will be here for you. If you don't want to put it in the open you can PM me or anyone you want to talk to about it. As for the spell/ritual, I'm afraid I don't know of any. Sorry for you lose and what you're going through right now. If there is anything I can do, just let me know. We are all here to help if you need it.

[Book Worm94]

Judge had asked me to reveiw this and give my opinion i didnt know i was spose to write my opinion in the forum but this is what i told him and some advise to help you
um ill look in my book when i get time but since i use to be a cutter too my best advise for this girl would be to meet this woman that she is so afraid that this person will ruin her and her fathers relationship and just because her dad is moving on doesnt mean she has to to just keep her mother with her in a healthy happy way like some pictures of her and her mother together in her room so it wont disturb or upset her father or she could try talking to her father about her mother and just have little walks down memory road but thats all the advise i can give right now at this moment without more information

[LA-Fairy]

We have two pics up, with my mom in them, and honestly, they hurt me. It's just a reminder of pain.
And, when my dad speaks about my mom with me, it's always, 'your mom' not, by her name. And I found it funny, like after a month after her passing, I was getting upset because people were like, 'awww honey how are you keeping up?' like reminding me, and I would start to cry and then they'd be like. it will be better, chin up, and I'd be like, I was fine until you mentioned it!!! And I told my dad and he got all worked up, saying yeah, she died, we know, time to move on. and that hurt me.

I've been going over this in my head over and and over, and nothing seems satisfying. I don't want to met her, just because my dad has made me feel this way and cry my eyes out, and I know that I will hold a grudge against her, just for this fact alone. I know it's not fair, but that is how I feel. I mean, I won't make a nasty wish, or be rude, but I don't want her in my life, because of the way my dad is acting already about her. He thought of her, before he did of me, that stings.
And though he says right now, he cares about me, and he won't kick me out and all this, this might change, and I hate change. I take a lot of time to adjust...

Thank you judge, I will probably take you up on it.

[Book Worm94]

Why do you think having pictures of your mom up hurt you and what pain do you speak of? Have you told your dad about the simple disregard of your mother makes you feel this way? Maybe if you talked to him about it and dont take it lightly i know this might sound harsh but back him into a corner and dont take simple answers try to make him open up to you it might help him as much as it will help you and holding a grudge is normal but if you meet this woman you might be able to see what your father sees in this particular person and it might help your feelings a little to get to know her and maybe even tell her about your mother. Now im not saying it is right for your father to think of her first before you but maybe you should make him listen to you and how you feel and not just ask him to listen it might help and it might not but you will never know unless you try

[LA-Fairy]

because it reminds me of the morning she died. And how I could have been better with her, but had this anger towards her, since she wanted to smoke more than she wanted to life and be there for us. And right before she died, she tried to say something and it was just was mumbling, and it hurts. And I was alone and freaked out, and the night before she died, I was mad, because she couldn't even open the door, to go outside, but wanted to go outside and smoke, so I told her her to stop smoking or die.

And it reminds me, that if my parents would have moved out of my grandma's house, I might not have all of this issues that burden me. With my grandma always there, I get everything I pointed at. Never had to follow through with anything, and now i struggle, and when people say, 'your just making excuses!' I get mad, because they on't know this inner turbulence in me and that I try really hard.

All of this sounds soooo lame... I hate it. stupid emotions...


Anyway,
UPDATE!

Dad told me two days ago, that he found out she is still married. She asked him if there was anyone in his life that would be jealous or upset and he said no, nobody and she didn't mention the fact that she was still married.

Well, I told my dad everything, how his comments hurt me and make me feel unimportant and how I am some old relic from an old time. He doesn't understand. He can't put himself into my shoes. All he sees is that he is single and needs to have a girlfriend, he can't see how I feel about having another woman in my life. Or watching him bounce of the wall drooling over someone, and act like we barely make the ends met but then let the fancy rich man hang out for single woman.
Saturday, we met up with some ren faire guys and one of the girls said, yeah we're the only losers that have no life, and he said, I thought I was going to have a life, but I found out she was married.
WTH? I mean come on, how can that remark not be hurtful to anyone. It's like saying he is a zombie right now?
And I told him, that that remark was weird and hurtful. But all he is saying is, 'you're not my wife or my girlfriend, I'm not divorced, I will start dating and have a life, and soon you'll have a license and start to do things on your own.
He just doesn't get it. Like, I told him, how I found it so weird how one of the girls, who hasn't been out to meetings much, said I was the sweetest person she knows, to my dad, and I told him, sunday how I found that odd, but nice. And he asked if she was married. bigeyed-confused

I guess all I can do is wait and see, and point out straight away, be like, wth? when he says something disturbing.

[AutumnMaidens]

Hello, I am a bit late here but I wanted to offer my two cents.

When my night terrors got to a point where I couldn't function anymore I started a daily ritual that really helped me in the long run.

I would sit in my bed and cast a cirle around me and start chanting to the mother. I used the famous:
"The arms of the great mother ever surround me
I envoke the protection of devine mothers embrace"

Then I would sleep with the circle still around me. Not only did the night terrors stop but I felt safe, and somehow feeling safe was so calming that my depression became a lot less heavy to bear.

I hope this was of any help,
Blessings

[LA-Fairy]

I might just have to try that. Do you cast a circle like you would for a spell.. (o great circle I conjure thee..) Knowing me, I'd get up in the middle of the night and break it.

Well, I talked to my dad, he did the exact same thing I do, he got mad over what I said, and left it out on me by nasty remarks, and I asked his sister to come speak to him, and he said the problem was between me and him. So he said all this stuff about me being 26 and not being motivated to get a life and being mad at him for doing stuff by himself.
I really have given up on this matter. He has moved on, checked my mom off as dead, and he needs to date no matter what. And no matter how I feel about it.

I mean, really this is a sticky situation. I don't expect him to ask me everytime he wants to do something, I mean that is just stupid. But the fact that he got all teenage boy over some woman, thinking of taking her on a shopping trip and not me, while blowing me off a few days prior to a trip to shreveport for greek food and toysrus, as if we didn't have the money. And now he has stuck in his head that I don't want him to do stuff with his friends. I wish someone would sit down with him and go hey, alex doesn't feel the same way.

and he told me, my grandma was like, when you get a girlfriend and move in what will you do with alex? Now I am mad at her...

[AutumnMaidens]

I would cast it as normally and just go to sleep. The next morning the circle would sometimes have lifted on his own, otherwise I would close it once I woke.
I think if you're not conciously holding up the barrier it might go down on its own. But if you need to get up during the night you can close it and just cast it again when going to bed. Its all about the feeling of protection and calm that it offers.

Bless