I will give the "cliffs notes" version of my losses, because the actual story is very long.
I have had many miscarriages, but the worst loss I have ever felt was when my son was stillborn when I was 8 months pregnant. I had a complete placental abruption and nearly died myself. My entire pregnancy with him was rough, I had bleeding off & on and constant nightmares about him dying. I remember the 1st dream I had after finding out I was pregnant. It was actually the same day that I found out. In the dream, I was in a hospital room surrounded by my family and friends. Everyone was crying & sad. People were taking turns holding him and saying goodbye. Then they gave him back to me. I saw his little face, his hair, everything. I kept holding his little hands & begging him to come back to me. That dream haunted me throughout the pregnancy, and it still haunts me. The most haunting part is that is exactly how it was when it actually happened. The same people were there saying the same things, and he looked identical to how he did in my dream.
![Sad :(](./images/smilies/icon_sad.gif)
I had other very graphic dreams about his death beforehand as well, but unless I'm asked I will not go into them. They are just so terrible & graphic.
I had him cremated & I have his urn in a stuffed pupped dog called a huggable urn. Many times when I am upset, I will hold him and cry my heart out to him. It has been 9 years and I still ache for him. I imagine that I always will. I also have a special locket that I wear with a pinch of his ashes in it.
I was blessed enough to be able to take tons of pictures, and the hospital even allowed me to spend the whole night holding him. Handing him over was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I wanted to die too. They gave me blood transfusion after transfusion but I didn't want them. They told me I would die without them, and that my husband (now ex) would sign the consent if I didn't.
The week of his death, I refer to as my "hell week". March 5 was my baby shower, March 6 I got everything put together & washed for him, March 7 I went to my first childbirth class, March 8 I went into labor & started bleeding but the hospital sent me home. March 9 he died during birth, march 10 the funeral home picked him up, March 11 I planned his funeral, March 12th was his funeral. One Saturday was my baby shower and the next Saturday was his funeral.
![Sad :(](./images/smilies/icon_sad.gif)
Not long after he died, I saw my chihuahua sitting up on my bed, with her toys. She was in a begging position the way she did when she wanted someone to play with her. No one was in the room, though. To this day, I believe she saw him there.
I still feel him from time to time, but when I sense him it feels like a mature presence. I just KNOW in my heart that it's him though. What I would give to be able to talk to him.
![Sad :(](./images/smilies/icon_sad.gif)
My 4 yo was born on the day before his 5th birthday. She would've been born on his birthday had the hospital not given me meds to speed things along. She was nearly 2 months early, but for both of our safety they decided to induce me. I was alrwady in labor on my own though. I have mentioned that I was raped by her biological father. Finding out I was pregnant with her saved my life because I had planned to commit suicide after the rape. I found out I was pregnant with her the day before I had planned to do it. Even though I was given the morning after pill in the hospital.
Could she be a gift from him, or even be a part of him?
I am sorry this is long & depressing. For some reason I felt compelled to post this. I've felt that nudge for a while but I am finally giving in. Maybe there is something in my story that is important to someone here. Thank you for reading. <3
Blessed Be,
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