Need help. Sick and tired of hiding.

[Ivy Amethyst]

I'm sorry for the negativity coming from this post

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm sick of hiding who I am to my family. I'm sick of grabbing the post and sneaking parcels upstairs before anyone sees them. I'm sick of doing rituals at midnight and stopping whenever I hear a noise. I'm sick of pretending my crystals are there "coz they're pretty.". I'm sick of pretending I don't know what my pentacle represents and saying I just like the pattern. I'm sick of hiding all my things in a box under my bed covered in old clothes. I'm sick of it all. I celebrated Imbolc on Monday evening by the light of my phone, under my bed and I had to stop 3 times because I thought someone had woken up. I felt I was disrespecting Brighid and I felt so guilty.

I just need to tell them. But I can't.
They aren't religious by any means. However they are the kind of people who will take it to the extreme if they don't like it. It isn't that I think they will kick me out of the house or anything. But I know that they will try to look it up. And they will see all the horrible and false articles about devil worship. And when that happens, they will just make my life miserable until I appear to "get out of the phase". I came out as bisexual a few years ago. And although they have nothing against bisexuality, they still absolutely flipped for months. Calling hotlines about how to "change my mind " or accusing me of being in a secret relationship with everyone I befriended. Even just shouting at me about it despite having nothing against it.

I know the same will happen if I say I'm pagan. In fact it will be worse. But at the same time I hate being deceitful. I just don't know what to do about it because I could describe it as the most peaceful religion known to man and they would still make my life miserable about it.

Does anybody know what to do?

[RosieMoonflower]

I'm sorry for the negativity coming from this post

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm sick of hiding who I am to my family. I'm sick of grabbing the post and sneaking parcels upstairs before anyone sees them. I'm sick of doing rituals at midnight and stopping whenever I hear a noise. I'm sick of pretending my crystals are there "coz they're pretty.". I'm sick of pretending I don't know what my pentacle represents and saying I just like the pattern. I'm sick of hiding all my things in a box under my bed covered in old clothes. I'm sick of it all. I celebrated Imbolc on Monday evening by the light of my phone, under my bed and I had to stop 3 times because I thought someone had woken up. I felt I was disrespecting Brighid and I felt so guilty.

I just need to tell them. But I can't.
They aren't religious by any means. However they are the kind of people who will take it to the extreme if they don't like it. It isn't that I think they will kick me out of the house or anything. But I know that they will try to look it up. And they will see all the horrible and false articles about devil worship. And when that happens, they will just make my life miserable until I appear to "get out of the phase". I came out as bisexual a few years ago. And although they have nothing against bisexuality, they still absolutely flipped for months. Calling hotlines about how to "change my mind " or accusing me of being in a secret relationship with everyone I befriended. Even just shouting at me about it despite having nothing against it.

I know the same will happen if I say I'm pagan. In fact it will be worse. But at the same time I hate being deceitful. I just don't know what to do about it because I could describe it as the most peaceful religion known to man and they would still make my life miserable about it.

Does anybody know what to do?

May I ask how old you are? Is it possible to move out? If you're not old enough to move out, then you may have to wait it out, or come forward and deal with their reactions and the way it affects you. Many teens have secrets from their family that they feel the family won't understand. It doesn't make it any easier on you to keep pretending but you're not the only one. If you can't move out at the moment, then I would start preparing to as soon as possible. This means taking your education seriously and planning for the future. Learn all of he adult things you'll need to know so you can live on your own. This way, your family will still be a part of your life and you can practice in the sanctuary of your own home. You can tell them whenever you want after you move out. They may still be unhappy or worried, but you won't live with them so they won't be able to hold it against you or bug you about it everyday. Good luck!

Rosie

[Firebird]

This is hard, sorry you are feeling bad. Society (and parents) have done much to give us fear. You aren't doing anything wrong. So try and step back from guilt.
One hope I can offer is, it won't be like this forever.
Another alternative is take your worship to the woods or a park.
Read at the library, and discontinue having items sent to the house that aren't absolutely necessary,
or have them sent c/o general delivery in your name at the local Post Office.
Much of the entrapments are not really needed for a spiritual circle.
Bb, Firebird

[YanaKhan]

I know this is very hard on you. I still kinda am in the broom closet. So I'm probably not the best person to give advice to people about how to come out of the broom closet.

Still, do your parents have any interest towards the supernatural? I mean like divination or ghosts or anything of the like?
I'm just fishing here, but I know my mom used to host coffee divination gatherings and for me it would be a good starting point. If you do any divination, you may as well try and do a reading for your parents. And start there. Like "Mom, dad, take a look at this: I can read tea leaves/Tarot/divine with a pendulum etc.

I recently started communicating with my mom about spirituality, after she took a Reiki course (I'm 34, she's nearly 66 years old). I was afraid she'd brush my beliefs off, but found out she is more receptive than I expected. She's still far from accepting any pagan path, but to my surprise, she had always believed in the supernatural and for me it was a pleasant surprise she didn't laugh at me or anything, but was like "Oh, I knew you had some abilities" when I did a reading for her

I don't know your parents though, you do. So if you think they'll just react badly, maybe following Rosie's advice is the best thing - just wait until you are able to move out. After all, it's your parents' house and their rules, you have to follow them.

Best of luck to you.

[Vendredi]

Much is made of "acceptance" these days. And while, yeah, it's nice to be accepted for who you are it's not generally necessary. I would argue that your own acceptance of who you are is of utmost importance, but anything beyond that is not guaranteed. Not everyone will agree with you! That's okay.

I do want to point out to you that the behavior of your parents after your last announcement is not the reaction of folks who have nothing against your sexuality. The manipulation, if not abuse, that you are describing IS unacceptable.

There's not much I can add, Firebird offered some great wisdom, as did Rosie. Adolescence and early adulthood are difficult for everyone involved, as you're figuring out who you are your parents are (likely) adjusting to their perceived loss of influence in your life. Some do so more gracefully than others. Keep in mind, too, that sometimes it can take a few "tries" before we figure out who we are. Your parents may think or hope that's the case. I would suggest that you stay as calm and respectful as you can in the face of these challenges. Find and keep a supportive friend that you can lean on when things get rough. Keep in mind that things WILL change eventually.

And finally, I've never come out of the broom closet, but I'm not in it, either. I don't have to put a label on myself or anything I do to be true to me.

[Becks]

Some great thoughts here. I love the idea of being outside as much as you can.

I would only add that you could shift your thinking and take some pressure off yourself when it comes to what you interpret as the "gods thinking". Recognize that those are your thoughts and feelings projected onto a situation, and not actually how it really is.

It is okay to recognize that while you live under the roof of another, and ae a minor I suspect, that your parents may not share your beliefs, there are choices you can consciously make allow life to be easier. That isn't a bad thing to do. You are not being dishonest.

You can also make the plan that when you are the head of a household someday you will live differently.....in tolerance, openness, and acceptance.

[SnowCat]

I agree that your parents are not behaving like they have nothing against your orientation. Some parents think that any perceived, by them, wrongness is fixable. You're not broke. You don't need to be fixed. Just be who you are.

Snow