Re: Smogie's Ramblings
Posted: Wed Mar 02, 2016 11:49 am
An entry from my book of shadows
Yesterday, I sat my lazy butt outside and made myself write in the journal part of my book of shadows for the first time in a long time. I had planned on writing about my plans for Ostara, but instead I went off on a tangent and wrote about how I was feeling- which helped me understand why I was feeling down. In the long run, it helped me talk to Cody about everything, and we were able to understand one another. I thought I would share.
I realize it has been a while... my last entry just before Christmas. Before we knew about Saphira's cancer. Life has been busy, I'm sorry I've been a bad friend.
It is absolutely beautiful outside right now, you can truly tell that spring is just around the corner. The dogs have been running around and playing for an hour. Now both Jenny and Saphira are sun bathing while Delilah is digging a hole in the shade. She is getting filthy, but I will deal with that later... Right now I am just happy to see them being silly.
I'm trying my best to think positive thoughts, but all that is running through my mind right now is "Well, if we still were at the apartment, I would have all the windows open." Or, "If we were at the apartment, I would have dinner and a bottle of wine ready for Cody and I to enjoy on the patio."
I'm homesick.
I'm so incredibly homesick.
I once thought that home was wherever I was with Cody, but now I'm starting to think I was wrong. I am with Cody now. I love him desperately and am glad that he is still next to me... But I am very far from home.
Now I am beginning to realize that home is where Cody and I are ourselves.
Home is where I sneak into the bathroom while Cody is showering to throw a glass of ice water on him. Home is where I come home from work and Cody has made me brownies because he knows I am on my period. Home is where I clean like a madwoman, then we lay in the floor and watch James Bond. Home is where we drag out the N64 and play Mario Kart... the loser cleans the cat box for a week. Home is where he comes home from work every Monday afternoon, makes two cups of coffee while I make dinner, then after eating he watches Castle while I paint in the living room floor.
No... This isn't home. This is just the place that we exist near one another.
We have lost ourselves.
Yes, without living here we would have never been able to find Saphira's cancer... My beautiful girl would slowly be dying. For that, I am grateful that we are here. But as soon as this is over...
We need to go. We had said that we would stick it out until we could find a house that we loved, but now I just want to have my home back. Yes, we need more room. No, it doesn't need to be a house.
I miss us. I miss being idiots together. I miss him laying in bed with me, him reading my books on paganism asking me questions about what I believe. I miss us having long talks about our future children and what kind of parents we want to be. I miss us dancing in the kitchen just because.
We don't do that here.
We are quiet here.
We fear that there are eyes on us at all times.
We hide my books.
We don't talk about our future family.
We just exist.
Existing isn't enough for me. We have one more Chemo treatment, then it is time to go back home. We both deserve that.
Here I was, thinking I would write of Ostara... instead I figure out why I have been feeling so down. Home isn't just where Cody is... It is where WE are.
It is time to go home.
Yesterday, I sat my lazy butt outside and made myself write in the journal part of my book of shadows for the first time in a long time. I had planned on writing about my plans for Ostara, but instead I went off on a tangent and wrote about how I was feeling- which helped me understand why I was feeling down. In the long run, it helped me talk to Cody about everything, and we were able to understand one another. I thought I would share.
I realize it has been a while... my last entry just before Christmas. Before we knew about Saphira's cancer. Life has been busy, I'm sorry I've been a bad friend.
It is absolutely beautiful outside right now, you can truly tell that spring is just around the corner. The dogs have been running around and playing for an hour. Now both Jenny and Saphira are sun bathing while Delilah is digging a hole in the shade. She is getting filthy, but I will deal with that later... Right now I am just happy to see them being silly.
I'm trying my best to think positive thoughts, but all that is running through my mind right now is "Well, if we still were at the apartment, I would have all the windows open." Or, "If we were at the apartment, I would have dinner and a bottle of wine ready for Cody and I to enjoy on the patio."
I'm homesick.
I'm so incredibly homesick.
I once thought that home was wherever I was with Cody, but now I'm starting to think I was wrong. I am with Cody now. I love him desperately and am glad that he is still next to me... But I am very far from home.
Now I am beginning to realize that home is where Cody and I are ourselves.
Home is where I sneak into the bathroom while Cody is showering to throw a glass of ice water on him. Home is where I come home from work and Cody has made me brownies because he knows I am on my period. Home is where I clean like a madwoman, then we lay in the floor and watch James Bond. Home is where we drag out the N64 and play Mario Kart... the loser cleans the cat box for a week. Home is where he comes home from work every Monday afternoon, makes two cups of coffee while I make dinner, then after eating he watches Castle while I paint in the living room floor.
No... This isn't home. This is just the place that we exist near one another.
We have lost ourselves.
Yes, without living here we would have never been able to find Saphira's cancer... My beautiful girl would slowly be dying. For that, I am grateful that we are here. But as soon as this is over...
We need to go. We had said that we would stick it out until we could find a house that we loved, but now I just want to have my home back. Yes, we need more room. No, it doesn't need to be a house.
I miss us. I miss being idiots together. I miss him laying in bed with me, him reading my books on paganism asking me questions about what I believe. I miss us having long talks about our future children and what kind of parents we want to be. I miss us dancing in the kitchen just because.
We don't do that here.
We are quiet here.
We fear that there are eyes on us at all times.
We hide my books.
We don't talk about our future family.
We just exist.
Existing isn't enough for me. We have one more Chemo treatment, then it is time to go back home. We both deserve that.
Here I was, thinking I would write of Ostara... instead I figure out why I have been feeling so down. Home isn't just where Cody is... It is where WE are.
It is time to go home.