Loss of feelings..?

[Silverslayer]

Okay, well I'm currently with a girl named Alyssa. Now if you don't approve of online relationships, I suggest you stop reading now. But me and her are together, yes, online, and talk through IM as well as text constantly throughout the day, and up to yesterday, talk on the phone for hours and to around 3 or 4 am in the mornings on a lot of days.

Let me give a little background information. She's had some traumatic experiences.. Two years ago she was held in a hostage situation by a man with a gun, who wanted to rape and murder her mother. Apparently, the last boyfriend she had in person treated her badly and was an alcoholic. Also, she tells me that her other boyfriends weren't good either, but I didn't press her for details on them. Just last week her grandpa died. Another grandpa has been dying for two years, and could die at any time. Her father is in the hospital and doesn't even recognize her, and they don't know whats wrong with him. Her mother can barely walk and is unresponsive. I try my best to comfort her, and I suppose it works a little. She was trying to reject the death of her grandpa, but I convinced her to deal with it, and now apparently she wants to deal with it all now so it can be over with.

We were making plans to see each other this summer, and if everything went well and such, we would decide after a year or two whether to move in together, since we both liked the idea. Yesterday she told me she has a strong feeling "in my gut, in my heart." that she shouldn't be with me. She told me that she gets this feeling for everyone she's been with, and she starts losing feelings for them and doesn't have them anymore eventually. She says if she is still with them, the feeling is lingering there and that it makes her want to ignore them so it will go away.

Now, this doesn't make much sense to me. She always tells me how I'm the best person she's ever been with. She tells me that I treat her very well, and in my humble opinion, I think I do. She feels very awkward on the phone and can't stand phone calls(I didn't realize how bad it was until yesterday), but she put up with it to talk to me, and for so many hours each time, so I'm certain she does care about me. She tells me she would love to spend her life with me, but now she says she doesn't want to picture a future between us, because she wants to make sure her life is secure and her family will be okay. She's the strongest of her family, and they depend on her. She tells me these feelings are there, but she's losing her feelings for me like with other guys.

Yesterday, she said she's giving us at least two weeks. I really want to avoid breaking up with her, I want to stay with her. I don't think I've been more certain before that we're supposed to be together. Please, if anyone has any advice, let me hear it. Does anyone know how we can stop her from having these feelings, how we can preserve the relationship?

I'm extremely grateful to anyone who makes an effort. Even if you have no advice, perhaps sending positive energy our way could help. Either way, I greatly appreciate it, and I thank you for listening.

EDIT: Also, if it would help at all, please don't hesitate to ask for any additional information you might need. I'll edit it into this post.

Edit: I forgot to mention this, but I dreamt about her last night. I went to bed at 5:30 in the morning after talking to her, and i woke up around 8 something, then against around 10, and finally got up eleven or so. I woke up and slept and started dreaming all three periods of sleep, and each time I dreamt about her. I can't remember very well, but in the dream, we were just sort of together; we talked, and we were happy. We were smiling again like we always do when we are talking to each other, aside from the issues. We were together as we are now though; the issues were there, and we were still seperated by distance, but I think things were a little better in the dream, and improving. I'm hoping that this dream means that things will be alright, but does anyone else want to comment? And sorry about not posting this in the dream section, I didn't think it'd have enough relevance without reading the post above.

[Release.the.bats]

I'd say she's rejecting your help.
I'm very familiar with her situation.
She thinks it's easier to reject anyone who might pull her out of her comfort zone, long term, because then she's going to change and she's afraid to deal with change because what if her change is worse than what she is currently experiecing.
Now, you can't make her change her mind. But let her know your feelings about it and that maybe she dosen't want to be hurt, but by closing herself from you she's hurting you and if she really has feelings for you she won't be comfortable hurting you.
It's a withdrawal situation.
It's easier to deal with things on your own than with other people, also it is very likely that she is undeveloped in an emotional sense because of all the trauma she has experienced in the past.
This trauma would cause an unconscious warning sign whenever she was in a relationship long enough for her to realize how badly she would be hurt if something were to happen.
Because of all this trauma she fears being in relationships long enough to get truly serious.
I'd really suggest talking to her about it, let her know your side and that just because she has this feeling. Dosen't mean it's the death of your relationship, the death of your relationship is up to her not her gut feeling.
Especially since all that trauma has altered her gut feeling into a nervous reaction because she has such a hard time dealing with all of this.
Does this make sense?

[Silverslayer]

Yes, I'm going to talk to her about those things, that really looks like it'll help. Also, she tells me she isn't afraid of being hurt, that that isn't it(excuse the double-word).

Also, I left this out, but she is in college right now, and has 4 or 5 more years to go. She's in a difficult financial situation, she lives with only her mom, and they are losing their house, and moving in with their grandma. She says she needs all the money she can get so she can finish getting through college.

And in addition to that I have promised her that I don't intend to hurt her, and I'm pretty sure(but not 100% at this point), that she believes me. She's also an extremely shy person.

And should I talk to her about the first part, about how you think that she's rejecting my help, that section? (She knows that I am talking to other people for assistance.)

I appreciate the feedback though, thanks.

[Release.the.bats]

It's easy for her to say that's not it, but when you've been through a lot of trauma, your body and mind reacts accordingly to situations that might become threatening whether or not she may realize it.
I do suggest you talk to her about shutting you out and that her gut feelings might not be 100% accurate at this point in her life with all her stress.

[Silverslayer]

Okay, will do .

Thanks for the feedback!

[Release.the.bats]

Your quite welcome.
I hope everything works out for the best!

[Silverslayer]

An update..She isn't over her first serious boyfriend.

When I asked if she wanted to tell me about it, she said No, its none of your business.

I told her that I'm just trying to make things work; she said I'm only making it worse.

And to stop "asking my friends to figure her out", that it's pissing her off, and (at you bats), she's extremely offended you said what you did about her, because "its not true, she doesn't know me enough to say those things."

edit: She says no one can replace him, that he was just a sweet talker when he was my age, and thats whats affecting us.

[Crowfeather]

She may be pissed because Bats or one of us hit the nail on the head and it struck a raw nerve.
But I'm not going to interfere in this one.

[Silverslayer]

Lol maybe, I really don't think pressing that was helping though.

She was feeling better about me before that talk she said,

Anyways I apologized, and I told her no more of that, and at one point she asked What's the point?

I think I convinced her to believe in herself more, I told her that even though times look bleak, if she believes in herself, things will get better. I think I helped, even if just a little.

So things are still very shaky, but I think they're improving, ever slowly.

Bats -- I thank you. Although your advice doesn't seemed to have helped directly, at least yet, if nothing else it led me to the topics that needed to be revealed, and helped me set things on the healing path. So thanks .

[Starwitch]

Have you ever confirmed that she is truly who she claims to be? I mean, have you ever seen her live, like on a web cam? She sounds awfully shady. And you may or may not be aware of this, but there are a LOT of women online who string along many different men at the same time, trying to get money from all of them (and they are not serious about any of them.)

The fact that she mentioned needing money and her former boyfriends (and seemed defensive about them) definitely concerned me. She may not be what you think she is. And she really has some nerve getting angry at your friends who are trying to help you figure her out. She doesn't seem very concerned about you or your feelings. My intuition says to stay away from her. I realize that's not what you want to hear but I would strongly suggest doing some detective work if you are going to try to stay with this woman.

[Silverslayer]

, I appreciate your concern, but yes -- she is who she says she is. I've seen her live on a web cam, and pictures, etc. Also, I don't believe she's trying to get money from me, because she's offered before to pay for us to see each other completely, if we couldn't do a half and half thing.