Gay and Suicidal
ok i want to kill myself,.. because i have a lot of problems in the reality.i don't know what to do. i'm in love with one guy... but the probem is that im guy too.. i always loved girls. but now i don't know what happens...in same time im in love with one girl too. but this guy i love more that my life..but the problem is that i don't wanna be gay or bisexual... i'd reather kill myself... please someone if can help me .. do anyone have a spell that makes you straight, or forget about guys... or anything like that...please help me....
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dee
Hello HallowHim,
I'm Dee. What you are feeling is OK. Many people experience what you are feeling, there is nothing wrong with you. If you are attracted to some one of the same gender then that is not within your control. If you are being challenged by your sexuality then confront the issue, avoiding it will not enable you to make progress and you will only dig yourself a six foot hole. You are better than that, I know that because I've read many of your posts and you are an intelligent and caring person. You have had a lot of challenges in your life and this is one more experience for you to learn from. Why are you confronted with the notion of being attracted to a man? Do you feel that it is preferable to be dead than to be with some one of the same gender? Why? There is less stigma attatched to being gay/ bisexual than ever, fortunately. There is absolutely no cause for you to make an impulsive move and do anything to harm yourself. You are hurting enough already. That inner turmoil will pass. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen. No, I can't give you a time and date to look forward to either. Sorry. You might want to try these out though, they may be useful, I hope so.
1.Make a plan - when you feel like you want to give up - don't! Follow the plan. Make a list of contacts, friends, family, life-line, some-one who can help you through the dark patches. Stick it to the fridge, make it and stick to it. Nothing is as bad as it seems at the time and nothing is worth taking your life for. You will get through this.
2.Make a list, actually, make lots of lists.
Firstly, list all the challenges and crap things that you have experienced in your life, make a contrasting list of good things or ways that you have overcome or dealt with the bad stuff. Look at the strategies you have used in the past, can you use any of those to help?
Next, list all the reasons that you feel you should not be attracted to this man. Contrast with all the reasons why it's ok to be attracted to this person - you are in love with him, you can't choose who you fall in love with. Look at what you've written, what do you have the biggest problem with? Read what has written, she is an inspiration and very good writer. Write it down. Write everything down just as it comes, just as you feel it. Don't fuss with spelling, grammar, puntuation, just write. You don't even have to look at it when you're done. Not yet anyway. Stash it some where safe and private. Go back to it when you are feeling a little better, you will feel better. When you read it, you may be overwhelmed by what you have written. You may think oh my goodness, was I really in that place. What ever you think and feel when you revisit is perfectly ok. Then you can burn it if you feel so inclined. That act has a great deal of power for me personally.
Before all else, stop beating yourself up. Stop, step back from both of them and take some time out for yourself. Even if it is just one night. Do something for you that makes you feel good or happy. Watch a funny movie and eat a box of chocolates. Whatever you know makes you happy, do it. You aren't allowed to listen to love songs, do anything that you would normally do with one of them or anything that will remind you of either person. This is you time. Spoil yourself, get take-away, turn off the phone and don't open the door. Finding out who you are is important right now. You are you and are perfect just the way you are! If you ever find yourself in need of some - one to talk to, vent, yell at or anything, I'm here. You are most welcome to contact me at anytime, you can get it all down in an email, even that can help.
Take care of you, you're a very special person.
LOL, Dee
I'm Dee. What you are feeling is OK. Many people experience what you are feeling, there is nothing wrong with you. If you are attracted to some one of the same gender then that is not within your control. If you are being challenged by your sexuality then confront the issue, avoiding it will not enable you to make progress and you will only dig yourself a six foot hole. You are better than that, I know that because I've read many of your posts and you are an intelligent and caring person. You have had a lot of challenges in your life and this is one more experience for you to learn from. Why are you confronted with the notion of being attracted to a man? Do you feel that it is preferable to be dead than to be with some one of the same gender? Why? There is less stigma attatched to being gay/ bisexual than ever, fortunately. There is absolutely no cause for you to make an impulsive move and do anything to harm yourself. You are hurting enough already. That inner turmoil will pass. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen. No, I can't give you a time and date to look forward to either. Sorry. You might want to try these out though, they may be useful, I hope so.
1.Make a plan - when you feel like you want to give up - don't! Follow the plan. Make a list of contacts, friends, family, life-line, some-one who can help you through the dark patches. Stick it to the fridge, make it and stick to it. Nothing is as bad as it seems at the time and nothing is worth taking your life for. You will get through this.
2.Make a list, actually, make lots of lists.
Firstly, list all the challenges and crap things that you have experienced in your life, make a contrasting list of good things or ways that you have overcome or dealt with the bad stuff. Look at the strategies you have used in the past, can you use any of those to help?
Next, list all the reasons that you feel you should not be attracted to this man. Contrast with all the reasons why it's ok to be attracted to this person - you are in love with him, you can't choose who you fall in love with. Look at what you've written, what do you have the biggest problem with? Read what has written, she is an inspiration and very good writer. Write it down. Write everything down just as it comes, just as you feel it. Don't fuss with spelling, grammar, puntuation, just write. You don't even have to look at it when you're done. Not yet anyway. Stash it some where safe and private. Go back to it when you are feeling a little better, you will feel better. When you read it, you may be overwhelmed by what you have written. You may think oh my goodness, was I really in that place. What ever you think and feel when you revisit is perfectly ok. Then you can burn it if you feel so inclined. That act has a great deal of power for me personally.
Before all else, stop beating yourself up. Stop, step back from both of them and take some time out for yourself. Even if it is just one night. Do something for you that makes you feel good or happy. Watch a funny movie and eat a box of chocolates. Whatever you know makes you happy, do it. You aren't allowed to listen to love songs, do anything that you would normally do with one of them or anything that will remind you of either person. This is you time. Spoil yourself, get take-away, turn off the phone and don't open the door. Finding out who you are is important right now. You are you and are perfect just the way you are! If you ever find yourself in need of some - one to talk to, vent, yell at or anything, I'm here. You are most welcome to contact me at anytime, you can get it all down in an email, even that can help.
Take care of you, you're a very special person.
LOL, Dee
yes thank's i will try...but now im afraid about something..year ago i make a spell (love spell) for this person...than latter 2 month maybe... i felt like im loving much more that person...i don't know what happend, maybe the spell works maybe not...i don't wanna spent the rest of my life with him even my love spell works,...but i want to be with him some time until i feel that is enough.If i continue like this i will never forget him.but unlast i have a girlfriend, i'm happy with her i like her,.but in my mind is always him.that's why i want go with him and to safe myself. i can't accept that i am a bisexual. it makes me crazy..really. but what can i do?i changed the town, i changed university, friends, everything to forget him., but it's not working.
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dee
Hi Hallow Him,
you need to reverse the spell.
You are not being fair to anyone, your girlfriend, yourself and the guy that you have placed it on. It sounds as though your spell has come back and bitten you x3. You can't influence another person. There is no 'greater good' in this. There is no "And it shall harm none". You are hurting others. What you want is a short term thing with this guy and then to walk away when you've had enough. But you can't deal with the thought of being bisexual either. You can't keep running away from this, changing universities, towns, etc may seem like a good idea but you take your baggage with you where ever you go until you deal with it. You have to face up to things. First, if you cast a spell then you need to reverse it now! I would also apologise for what I'd done, but that's just me.
What do you really want, long term? You're obviously working toward a uni degree, but on a relationship level what do you want? Here and now gratification is one thing, but investing in a relationship is long term and is so much more rewarding. Respect, love and friendship form the basis of such relationships. You are not showing respect to your girlfriend or this guy either. No spell will fix this, you need to deal with this on this plane. Accept responsibility for what you have done, then fix it. Please. For your own peace of mind and because it is the right thing to do. You can do it. You are strong enough in yourself to do what is right. Doing the right thing will ultimately free you. Sorry if this sounds harsh. Blessings. D.
you need to reverse the spell.
You are not being fair to anyone, your girlfriend, yourself and the guy that you have placed it on. It sounds as though your spell has come back and bitten you x3. You can't influence another person. There is no 'greater good' in this. There is no "And it shall harm none". You are hurting others. What you want is a short term thing with this guy and then to walk away when you've had enough. But you can't deal with the thought of being bisexual either. You can't keep running away from this, changing universities, towns, etc may seem like a good idea but you take your baggage with you where ever you go until you deal with it. You have to face up to things. First, if you cast a spell then you need to reverse it now! I would also apologise for what I'd done, but that's just me.
What do you really want, long term? You're obviously working toward a uni degree, but on a relationship level what do you want? Here and now gratification is one thing, but investing in a relationship is long term and is so much more rewarding. Respect, love and friendship form the basis of such relationships. You are not showing respect to your girlfriend or this guy either. No spell will fix this, you need to deal with this on this plane. Accept responsibility for what you have done, then fix it. Please. For your own peace of mind and because it is the right thing to do. You can do it. You are strong enough in yourself to do what is right. Doing the right thing will ultimately free you. Sorry if this sounds harsh. Blessings. D.
yes i will do it? i will do anything to change my life. because life in this world is hard and with pain.. it's not beautifly. i went to phsycologist and he said to me to start with religions (muslim) and will help me to forget the term BISEXUAL.he said how much you will connect with god you will forget about bad things... but anyway i don't know what to do... it's hard for me this thing...i can't deal with reality...
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frisbee
Hallow Him,
I wasn't thrilled when I realized I liked other guys, either. It's hard, and the society we live in makes it hard because the attitude often is "be like the rest of us, or else."
Suicide often seems like a good solution when we don't think we can cope with our reality, in this case that reality being that whether you like it or not, you have the capacity to love guys as well as girls. I've been there, I know it's confusing and scary. Talk to someone about all this. Maybe see a different counselor. Rather than ending it all because it hurts so much, why not face that hurt and fear head on? It will make you a stronger person.
Listen to what others have told you. It is natural and good and ok for you to be attracted to guys. I've wasted so much time living in denial and trying to be something I'm not. Don't do that. You might even risk telling this guy how you feel. I know it sounds hard, I've been there, too. He may not feel the same way, or he may. You will never know unless you speak up. And if he is mature about this, at the least you can have him as a friend.
I wasn't thrilled when I realized I liked other guys, either. It's hard, and the society we live in makes it hard because the attitude often is "be like the rest of us, or else."
Suicide often seems like a good solution when we don't think we can cope with our reality, in this case that reality being that whether you like it or not, you have the capacity to love guys as well as girls. I've been there, I know it's confusing and scary. Talk to someone about all this. Maybe see a different counselor. Rather than ending it all because it hurts so much, why not face that hurt and fear head on? It will make you a stronger person.
Listen to what others have told you. It is natural and good and ok for you to be attracted to guys. I've wasted so much time living in denial and trying to be something I'm not. Don't do that. You might even risk telling this guy how you feel. I know it sounds hard, I've been there, too. He may not feel the same way, or he may. You will never know unless you speak up. And if he is mature about this, at the least you can have him as a friend.
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[ShadowPhoenix]
- Posts: 728
- Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2009 4:21 am
- Gender: Female
- Location: Louisiana
Hallowhim, I couldn't help but read what you've said so far, I know how you must hurt and I just want you to know that it IS OK to be gay or in your case bisexual. It isn't a choice, you don't wake up one day and say, "I think I'm going to be bisexual today." It's the way you are born, and you should never let anyone tell you, or make you think that you are inferior or that you don't belong in society, because THEY are wrong. What I am about to tell you is something that I've only told a select few, I only hope for it to be some inspiration to you...
I was raised Christian...Baptist, AND Catholic. I was told all my life that it was a sin to be gay. I tried to hide it, to suppress it, but the fact is..it is something that is a part of you, so it can never truly be taken away. I found a gay teen support forum, and it was on this site that I found a guy who lived not too far from me, actually about 45 minutes away. We met up and began dating.
I couldn't tell my family or friends at this point, although my mother knew, simply because I forgot to delete the computer's history. My relationship with my mother was in decline for a long time, and I was afraid...I was afraid of them disowning me, of losing those I loved, but you see, at the same time, I felt that they should know. It is best for people to know who YOU are and love you for that, not what THEY want you to be. We were together nearly 2 years...
It was 6 days from our 2nd anniversary, he came to pick me up. We went out for a dinner and a movie, and on the way back he urged me to come out to my family. I told him I was afraid of what would happen and he told me that if worse came to worse that he and his friends would take me in. Our talk turned into an arguement on our drive back to my house. When we got to my house he dropped me off and left, but called me when he was about half-way home, and our arguement continued. He died that night.
With that horrendous event, along with my family situation...I became depressed, and lonely again...I had no one to turn to. So, I wrote a long letter to my family as an explanation for what I was about to do and I placed a gun to my head that he had bought for me, illegally. Then, I pulled the trigger...
I'm either incredibly lucky or someone was watching over me that day, because the gun jammed...I broke down and cried. I was in such pain, and I couldn't even end it. Yet, it was because of this I realized that if I did this I would only be letting them win. I burned the letter and took my dog for a walk on our property in the woods. I went to my private sanctuary, a lake out in the middle of the forest around our house. It was the only place I could sit and think clearly, and once I reached the lake I threw the gun into it.
I never told my family about this incident until I told my mother via e-mail last year in march. I was going through more hard times and my family wouldn't provide any relief, and she wanted to know why I wasn't answering any of their calls, because she was worried that she may be near death from heart attack. So I told her. This is the e-mail...
That's the thing, no one who should have even offered to help. All David could think about is getting me back up there, I know he was in a position to help me...but no one, except my friends took a stand to do anything...my friends are my family now.
A couple of days ago I had thought of severing all ties with all of you, I almost feel betrayed, can you blame me? I know that I can't expect everything on a silver platter anymore but it would've been a great comfort knowing that there were some in my family who had a heart and would be there when I needed them most, however, I now see that they aren't.
I know some of my family is just hoping for me to not succeed here so that I will return to them, I remember what you all told me, "You'll be back, you can't make it without us", but I couldn't have been anymore miserable than I was while I lived there...I don't want to tell you this but I feel as though I need the clarity...but one of the deciding factors as to why I left was b/c I was so miserable and one thing that made me feel that way was when...was when I had met someone and fell in love with them, I was with him for a almost two years...he lived a little outside of tupelo.
Anyway, one day while all of you were going somewhere we decided to see each other before he left we got into an argument about a serious issue he called on his way home we argued some more and the very last thing I said to him was, that I hated him. He must have been really hurt by my words because through his sobs I heard tires screeching, and as I continued to listen in horror I heard every bang, and crunch of that car...knowing that I was the reason it happened.
I kept telling him to pull over. All I could do was call out his name hoping he would answer, but he never did.
When I went to his funeral, I had Kayla take me and I told her that other than what had happened, the thing that hurt the most was that I couldn't tell any you how I felt b/c I knew you wouldn't accept me.
You had only discovered my secret about a year before he died. I didn't think it was enough time for you to have learned that I was no different than the rest of you. I had begun to think...maybe there would never be enough time for you to do that...I became extremely depressed, you might remember how I moped around most of the time when I was 17 keeping to myself, not active at all.
I did something horrible after that...I don't want to tell you this either because I don't want it to upset you, however, for my own closure and since I want these kinds of things to be out in the open...while I was with Zeke I bought a gun...illegally he helped me since I didn't have that much money, I'm sure you remember how tight of a leash you kept me on after discovering that I was gay.
After that accident I put that gun to my head several times because I couldn't live with the fact of not only what had happened but also that I couldn't be myself, I felt completely suffocated. I felt that I would never be accepted by my family if they ever found out I was gay and one day when you all had left I wrote a 4 page letter explaining everything and put it to my head for the very last time...and I pulled that trigger, luckily the gun jammed. I put the gun down, and cried because here I was as miserable as anyone could be and I wasn't allowed to end it quickly. After that I burned the note, and took Prince for a walk in the woods and I tossed the gun into the lake.
Don't you see, mother? I was so agonized that I almost killed myself...Since then I've had this irrational fear of failure, or losing someone..which is why for so long I've kept others at a far distance yet I also have a fear of being alone, which is ironic in that it contradicts my second fear.
I have just recently begun to overcome these things. I wish to never feel like I did back then, but I feel as though I'm failing now...I came here to live on my own...here I am jobless for almost 2 months...well not now...I'm depending on my friends' help...not that I'm complaining about their help but I want to do things for ME by MYSELF and it seems as though I can't, although things are getting better, and will only continue to become better now that I do have a job.
So, you see mother it isn't that you didn't give me financial support, I probably wouldn't have accepted it coming from you, it's that none of my family even lifted a finger that hurt. Simply an offering which I would have refused from anyone except David simply b/c he owes me for the way he treated me growing up and after I came out of the closet...I did ask my dad for money but as previously stated all he could think about was, " Josh is coming home!" that place is and always will be my home at heart, but I have a new home now, a new future with someone I love, and I don't have any intentions on losing him.
So now after almost 4 years I've finally exposed myself to you, do not betray my trust. Hmm, your left arm feels funny while you're having heart trouble...you need to go to a hospital you've had a heart attack, how long has it been like this? Since you're having heart trouble you should eat oatmeal every morning for your cholesterol and take a walk, even if it's just walking about 10 laps around the yard have Marissa and Alexander do it with you...if you don't you may not be here much longer I don't mean to be blunt, but that is what I feel.
The guy I referred to in the letter, cheated on me with my best friend. Yet, it is with each of my troubles, that I grow stronger and more resolute than ever before (like the phoenix, as I've said before). So you see now, Hallow? You have to be strong, you can never let anyone hold you down... We all will be accountable for our actions some day, but let the truly wicked suffer for it, not yourself. Focus on what make YOU happy and don't neglect yourself...That is all.
I was raised Christian...Baptist, AND Catholic. I was told all my life that it was a sin to be gay. I tried to hide it, to suppress it, but the fact is..it is something that is a part of you, so it can never truly be taken away. I found a gay teen support forum, and it was on this site that I found a guy who lived not too far from me, actually about 45 minutes away. We met up and began dating.
I couldn't tell my family or friends at this point, although my mother knew, simply because I forgot to delete the computer's history. My relationship with my mother was in decline for a long time, and I was afraid...I was afraid of them disowning me, of losing those I loved, but you see, at the same time, I felt that they should know. It is best for people to know who YOU are and love you for that, not what THEY want you to be. We were together nearly 2 years...
It was 6 days from our 2nd anniversary, he came to pick me up. We went out for a dinner and a movie, and on the way back he urged me to come out to my family. I told him I was afraid of what would happen and he told me that if worse came to worse that he and his friends would take me in. Our talk turned into an arguement on our drive back to my house. When we got to my house he dropped me off and left, but called me when he was about half-way home, and our arguement continued. He died that night.
With that horrendous event, along with my family situation...I became depressed, and lonely again...I had no one to turn to. So, I wrote a long letter to my family as an explanation for what I was about to do and I placed a gun to my head that he had bought for me, illegally. Then, I pulled the trigger...
I'm either incredibly lucky or someone was watching over me that day, because the gun jammed...I broke down and cried. I was in such pain, and I couldn't even end it. Yet, it was because of this I realized that if I did this I would only be letting them win. I burned the letter and took my dog for a walk on our property in the woods. I went to my private sanctuary, a lake out in the middle of the forest around our house. It was the only place I could sit and think clearly, and once I reached the lake I threw the gun into it.
I never told my family about this incident until I told my mother via e-mail last year in march. I was going through more hard times and my family wouldn't provide any relief, and she wanted to know why I wasn't answering any of their calls, because she was worried that she may be near death from heart attack. So I told her. This is the e-mail...
That's the thing, no one who should have even offered to help. All David could think about is getting me back up there, I know he was in a position to help me...but no one, except my friends took a stand to do anything...my friends are my family now.
A couple of days ago I had thought of severing all ties with all of you, I almost feel betrayed, can you blame me? I know that I can't expect everything on a silver platter anymore but it would've been a great comfort knowing that there were some in my family who had a heart and would be there when I needed them most, however, I now see that they aren't.
I know some of my family is just hoping for me to not succeed here so that I will return to them, I remember what you all told me, "You'll be back, you can't make it without us", but I couldn't have been anymore miserable than I was while I lived there...I don't want to tell you this but I feel as though I need the clarity...but one of the deciding factors as to why I left was b/c I was so miserable and one thing that made me feel that way was when...was when I had met someone and fell in love with them, I was with him for a almost two years...he lived a little outside of tupelo.
Anyway, one day while all of you were going somewhere we decided to see each other before he left we got into an argument about a serious issue he called on his way home we argued some more and the very last thing I said to him was, that I hated him. He must have been really hurt by my words because through his sobs I heard tires screeching, and as I continued to listen in horror I heard every bang, and crunch of that car...knowing that I was the reason it happened.
I kept telling him to pull over. All I could do was call out his name hoping he would answer, but he never did.
When I went to his funeral, I had Kayla take me and I told her that other than what had happened, the thing that hurt the most was that I couldn't tell any you how I felt b/c I knew you wouldn't accept me.
You had only discovered my secret about a year before he died. I didn't think it was enough time for you to have learned that I was no different than the rest of you. I had begun to think...maybe there would never be enough time for you to do that...I became extremely depressed, you might remember how I moped around most of the time when I was 17 keeping to myself, not active at all.
I did something horrible after that...I don't want to tell you this either because I don't want it to upset you, however, for my own closure and since I want these kinds of things to be out in the open...while I was with Zeke I bought a gun...illegally he helped me since I didn't have that much money, I'm sure you remember how tight of a leash you kept me on after discovering that I was gay.
After that accident I put that gun to my head several times because I couldn't live with the fact of not only what had happened but also that I couldn't be myself, I felt completely suffocated. I felt that I would never be accepted by my family if they ever found out I was gay and one day when you all had left I wrote a 4 page letter explaining everything and put it to my head for the very last time...and I pulled that trigger, luckily the gun jammed. I put the gun down, and cried because here I was as miserable as anyone could be and I wasn't allowed to end it quickly. After that I burned the note, and took Prince for a walk in the woods and I tossed the gun into the lake.
Don't you see, mother? I was so agonized that I almost killed myself...Since then I've had this irrational fear of failure, or losing someone..which is why for so long I've kept others at a far distance yet I also have a fear of being alone, which is ironic in that it contradicts my second fear.
I have just recently begun to overcome these things. I wish to never feel like I did back then, but I feel as though I'm failing now...I came here to live on my own...here I am jobless for almost 2 months...well not now...I'm depending on my friends' help...not that I'm complaining about their help but I want to do things for ME by MYSELF and it seems as though I can't, although things are getting better, and will only continue to become better now that I do have a job.
So, you see mother it isn't that you didn't give me financial support, I probably wouldn't have accepted it coming from you, it's that none of my family even lifted a finger that hurt. Simply an offering which I would have refused from anyone except David simply b/c he owes me for the way he treated me growing up and after I came out of the closet...I did ask my dad for money but as previously stated all he could think about was, " Josh is coming home!" that place is and always will be my home at heart, but I have a new home now, a new future with someone I love, and I don't have any intentions on losing him.
So now after almost 4 years I've finally exposed myself to you, do not betray my trust. Hmm, your left arm feels funny while you're having heart trouble...you need to go to a hospital you've had a heart attack, how long has it been like this? Since you're having heart trouble you should eat oatmeal every morning for your cholesterol and take a walk, even if it's just walking about 10 laps around the yard have Marissa and Alexander do it with you...if you don't you may not be here much longer I don't mean to be blunt, but that is what I feel.
The guy I referred to in the letter, cheated on me with my best friend. Yet, it is with each of my troubles, that I grow stronger and more resolute than ever before (like the phoenix, as I've said before). So you see now, Hallow? You have to be strong, you can never let anyone hold you down... We all will be accountable for our actions some day, but let the truly wicked suffer for it, not yourself. Focus on what make YOU happy and don't neglect yourself...That is all.
it's intersting your story...but anyway you are christian.... but my family are muslims.... and it's worse because it's not permit in my religion to be gay or bisexual...not that i want to suicide my selfe,,,but i will end crazy someday..i live in country when everyone belives a lot in religions...my family will kill me if i talk to them and say that im bisexual..... this is my problem...im the only son in the family...and the expect for me a marrige with good girl, a lot of kids....i agree with this because i like girls but in the same time i lke boys too...and that hurt's me...
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Starwitch
- Owner
- Posts: 4864
- Joined: Wed Feb 25, 2004 11:42 pm
- Gender: Female
- Location: Chattanooga, TN
- Contact:
Wow, ShadowPhoenix, what a story! I hope you're planning to email me a copy that I can post on my site in my new GLBT section (that isn't up yet but I'd like to make one.) There are so many gay pagans, especially young men, who need the kind of inspiration that someone like you provides with your story. That is a real heart-rending story. I'm very sorry that you lost your boyfriend. You said that you met him here? What is his username? I didn't realize a member had died. That's too bad.
I always think it's so neat when people form relationships by meeting here on the site. There was a boy and girl that met here and got married.
Having your friend die while you're on the phone with him is horrendous! It's so hard to even imagine something like that. I did witness a murder over the phone but I didn't know the person who died so it's really not the same as what you went through. I'm terribly sorry for your loss.
HallowHim, you're probably right. In the part of the world that you live in, being gay is really not an option. If you feel okay about being with women then you might just want to stick with being straight. Christians are against homosexuality, but most people in the West are learning to accept the gay lifestyle as a valid choice, regardless of what their church tells them about it. But Islam and the Middle East are still living in the dark ages. They do not accept homosexuality and if I were you, I would be afraid to live where you live and be gay. Now if you can manage to move to a different country that might be an option that could work for you. But from what I know of the Middle East, being gay is totally NOT COOL there like it is here. Sorry for your predicament.
I always think it's so neat when people form relationships by meeting here on the site. There was a boy and girl that met here and got married.
Having your friend die while you're on the phone with him is horrendous! It's so hard to even imagine something like that. I did witness a murder over the phone but I didn't know the person who died so it's really not the same as what you went through. I'm terribly sorry for your loss.
HallowHim, you're probably right. In the part of the world that you live in, being gay is really not an option. If you feel okay about being with women then you might just want to stick with being straight. Christians are against homosexuality, but most people in the West are learning to accept the gay lifestyle as a valid choice, regardless of what their church tells them about it. But Islam and the Middle East are still living in the dark ages. They do not accept homosexuality and if I were you, I would be afraid to live where you live and be gay. Now if you can manage to move to a different country that might be an option that could work for you. But from what I know of the Middle East, being gay is totally NOT COOL there like it is here. Sorry for your predicament.
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[ShadowPhoenix]
- Posts: 728
- Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2009 4:21 am
- Gender: Female
- Location: Louisiana
@--- Oh sorry, I didn't mean that I met him HERE...I met him at a forum that strictly is for gay teen support. It was the first forum I'd ever been a member of, one reason I joined here was because you use the same format that they do 
, and it just brought back a comforting feeling. I didn't know of this forum til January of this year, but I'm ecstatic that I found such an active 'healthy' forum. 
@Hallowhim--- I wouldn't say, accurately, that I'm christian now, but I was. Christianity forbids homosexuality as well. I am an only son as well, actually my mother had remarried and had a daughter and a son. As for my father, I am an only child...My family (mother's side) is very much like a monarchy as I am also descended from nobility, my family was excommunicated from the English Court some hundreds of years ago but still see themselves as nobility...they had even arranged for me, a marriage when I was a small child. I was set to marry her upon my 20th birthday.
I refused, of course, but I had already fled the state. I left the night of my graduation ceremony, I would never allow my family to make all my decisions for me. There were 2 other people in my family 1 male the other female, who were expelled from our family on the grounds of their sexuality. No family for us means, no money, no support when needed, cut from all wills and trusts, it means no family at ALL.
Those 2 weren't even allowed to their own grandmother's funeral but when they did show up at the funeral service not only did I stand up for them but my mother and grandmother did as well. However, I wasn't expelled...at least not officially due to my grandmother and my mother's efforts, and also because we have family leaders that are chosen each generation which goes by a chart I found in my great-grandmother's family chest and according to it, I was to be the next leader and my first born child would be my successor. So, it truly was a big deal of me being gay for my family.
I had so much expected of me, so believe me when I say, I know exactly how you feel. I don't want to push you to put yourself in danger, but I do want you to know you should be happy with who you are, and to do so without your family making all your decisions for you. Surely there are some in your family who love you unconditionally as they should, and would keep you safe.
My main point is, don't let yourself feel trapped and make your own decisions yourself, don't let others control you. I know I have taken my own advice and even through my toils, I've been happy ever since. That is my wish for you.
P.S. I can give you a copy if you'd like, let me know where to send it.
, and it just brought back a comforting feeling. I didn't know of this forum til January of this year, but I'm ecstatic that I found such an active 'healthy' forum. @Hallowhim--- I wouldn't say, accurately, that I'm christian now, but I was. Christianity forbids homosexuality as well. I am an only son as well, actually my mother had remarried and had a daughter and a son. As for my father, I am an only child...My family (mother's side) is very much like a monarchy as I am also descended from nobility, my family was excommunicated from the English Court some hundreds of years ago but still see themselves as nobility...they had even arranged for me, a marriage when I was a small child. I was set to marry her upon my 20th birthday.
I refused, of course, but I had already fled the state. I left the night of my graduation ceremony, I would never allow my family to make all my decisions for me. There were 2 other people in my family 1 male the other female, who were expelled from our family on the grounds of their sexuality. No family for us means, no money, no support when needed, cut from all wills and trusts, it means no family at ALL.
Those 2 weren't even allowed to their own grandmother's funeral but when they did show up at the funeral service not only did I stand up for them but my mother and grandmother did as well. However, I wasn't expelled...at least not officially due to my grandmother and my mother's efforts, and also because we have family leaders that are chosen each generation which goes by a chart I found in my great-grandmother's family chest and according to it, I was to be the next leader and my first born child would be my successor. So, it truly was a big deal of me being gay for my family.
I had so much expected of me, so believe me when I say, I know exactly how you feel. I don't want to push you to put yourself in danger, but I do want you to know you should be happy with who you are, and to do so without your family making all your decisions for you. Surely there are some in your family who love you unconditionally as they should, and would keep you safe.
My main point is, don't let yourself feel trapped and make your own decisions yourself, don't let others control you. I know I have taken my own advice and even through my toils, I've been happy ever since. That is my wish for you.
P.S. I can give you a copy if you'd like, let me know where to send it.
- you're right,,,in my country you are not free even to speak other language (mine) because it's prohibited to speak....you know in what crazy country i live? not just my country but all Balkans countries are same shit.
yes maybe i will change my place....i have 2 options.-Switzerland and Australia...and thanks again for helping me with advice....
ShadowPhoenix- look about this gay stuff.,yes you are and you feel like that... but i'm not feeling bisex, i think that someone make's magic on me, spell or ritual i don't know,.. for this i am little shure.can i ask you a question? since when you realized that you are gay? are you tried to be sometime with girls? do you know how is the feeling to kiss a girl? sorry about the questions but i want to make sure about myself what am i exatly...
yes maybe i will change my place....i have 2 options.-Switzerland and Australia...and thanks again for helping me with advice....
ShadowPhoenix- look about this gay stuff.,yes you are and you feel like that... but i'm not feeling bisex, i think that someone make's magic on me, spell or ritual i don't know,.. for this i am little shure.can i ask you a question? since when you realized that you are gay? are you tried to be sometime with girls? do you know how is the feeling to kiss a girl? sorry about the questions but i want to make sure about myself what am i exatly...
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dee
Shadow Phoenix,
You are totally amazing. You have my deepest sympathy for your tragic loss. I can't even begin to imagine what you have been through. You are such a strong person, inspirational, grounded and humble, this is meant as a huge compliment. Thank you for sharing your story. Please don't underestimate your mother. There are two comments you have made which suggest she is like the rest of us mums ( I'm an Australian and that's how we spell it here). In the email you first wrote you stated that your mum 'knew' for about a year, yet did she make this public knowledge to the rest of your family knowing full well what they would do, being like a royal family? Secondly, she and your grandmother supported you when you stood up for those family members who had been kicked out. This would have also placed them in the firing line. Considering the upbringing of your mother she has, in her own way, tried to support you to the best of her ability. In anger most all of us have said things which, in hindsight, we regret. Hurtful things, words that cut to the very core. We all make mistakes, we're only human. Your mum only wants what is best for you, she knows, to some extent, how hard it would be as a gay person in society and in the family. She tried to protect you from being hurt. Guess what? If you love some one, you try to protect them from being hurt. As a parent, that is an overwhelming task because we love our kids so much and we don't want them to get hurt. I have no doubt that she loves you a great deal! LOL, Dee.
Hallow,
I've never been to Switzerland, so I can't make an informed comment, but Australia is a beautiful country. We'd love to have you here! I live in a remote community, and I love it. I could never go back to the city. Although at times I do miss the creaure comfort of a shop less than 100km away. We are fairly casual about most things. If you ever feel inclined to come and have a look, then let me know and we'll help any way we can. LOL, Dee
You are totally amazing. You have my deepest sympathy for your tragic loss. I can't even begin to imagine what you have been through. You are such a strong person, inspirational, grounded and humble, this is meant as a huge compliment. Thank you for sharing your story. Please don't underestimate your mother. There are two comments you have made which suggest she is like the rest of us mums ( I'm an Australian and that's how we spell it here). In the email you first wrote you stated that your mum 'knew' for about a year, yet did she make this public knowledge to the rest of your family knowing full well what they would do, being like a royal family? Secondly, she and your grandmother supported you when you stood up for those family members who had been kicked out. This would have also placed them in the firing line. Considering the upbringing of your mother she has, in her own way, tried to support you to the best of her ability. In anger most all of us have said things which, in hindsight, we regret. Hurtful things, words that cut to the very core. We all make mistakes, we're only human. Your mum only wants what is best for you, she knows, to some extent, how hard it would be as a gay person in society and in the family. She tried to protect you from being hurt. Guess what? If you love some one, you try to protect them from being hurt. As a parent, that is an overwhelming task because we love our kids so much and we don't want them to get hurt. I have no doubt that she loves you a great deal! LOL, Dee.
Hallow,
I've never been to Switzerland, so I can't make an informed comment, but Australia is a beautiful country. We'd love to have you here! I live in a remote community, and I love it. I could never go back to the city. Although at times I do miss the creaure comfort of a shop less than 100km away. We are fairly casual about most things. If you ever feel inclined to come and have a look, then let me know and we'll help any way we can. LOL, Dee
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[ShadowPhoenix]
- Posts: 728
- Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2009 4:21 am
- Gender: Female
- Location: Louisiana
As for your questions, I always felt that I was different than everyone else. I just never knew HOW until I began to feel attracted to other boys. Yes, I did try to be with girls because I knew what everyone would think and how I would be treated. It was a bit later that I decided that I would live MY life the way I wanted to. I have kissed many girls during that period where I tried to be straight, but I felt nothing from it, I just wasn't attracted to girls no matter what I wanted.HallowHim wrote:
ShadowPhoenix- look about this gay stuff.,yes you are and you feel like that... but i'm not feeling bisex, i think that someone make's magic on me, spell or ritual i don't know,.. for this i am little shure.can i ask you a question? since when you realized that you are gay? are you tried to be sometime with girls? do you know how is the feeling to kiss a girl? sorry about the questions but i want to make sure about myself what am i exatly...
Like I said it's how we are born, nothing can change that. Sure it can be suppressed, but not forever. I know people who hid it and got married, had children and one day could not live in denial any longer. They destroyed their family because they were too afraid to be who they were.