I see that this board is mainly about suicide. Good.
I've found that it is needed about 15,000 mg of (edited) to probably die. I can only amount to about 7 or 8 thousand mg. So, I will use a tube from my exaust car to make sure I'm ok. Gulping that many pills will take me about ten minutes and they take about 20 - 30 minutes to take effect. So - 20 minutes later - monoxide carbon will do the trick - it takes about 20 seconds I've read to lose consiousness. You must make sure that you are in an isolated place so that no one can take you out - and if they should take you out and you should survive - you'd have brain damage. However - this way is pretty sure, probably painless - you might vomit but you will have lost consciousness before it happens.
I have so many things I would like to say since this is anonymous. The reason why this isn't happening right now is because I will go and donate marrow from my spine. A life for a life. I also know of a woman who's in trouble - lost her house because of an asshole - I will get all the money I can borrow from the bank - sent it to her by Puro and leave her all my furniture - she'll have a second shot at having a life.
My life has been plagued with anxiety - I have been beaten silly as a kid - to the point where I actually died at four - my heart stopped and the hospital people somehow sent a death certificate that I have with me. I have all my life been haunted by dreams and when I wake up at night - I cannot distinguish reality from dreams. So, I cut myself - because the pain wakens me. Lately the anxiety has been up - lost two jobs - bills are slowly going up and I can't seem to get the better of it. I have also had a very bland love life - and I really look good. However - I'm an idiot or...an angel...I don't want to have someone go through what I live - so I stay alone. I have been alone for a long time - no family and just one friend - a good one I have to say though.
I am scheduled to see a shrink next week but the funny thing is that I hope they can't help me. I want to leave this place - and with the rate I'll pile pills, be operated and get some money - I calculate that I should be done for the end of Feb '10. That gives me about 44 days - 4 - my lucky and unlucky number that has followed me all my life!
What happens when you die?
Well, your mind is a "biological computer". Ever read of this person who gets hit on the head and forgets a "slice" of his life? When you die, the lack of oxygen to your brain destroys all cells (after x amount of time). If there is an afterlife - you'll not have the memories that you had in this life - because they will have been destroyed. You body will also be gone - so, unless god or the devil make clones - if there,s an afterlife - it won't be the way you are now - or not even physical. And - that's if there is an afterlife. There are not any proofs about afterlife - there are a lot of written stuff - but they are written by men (some women too now) - and LIVING men (and women). They do not know more than you do. How am I sure they don't? Because I don't and I'm a human like them - so, if I don't - they don't. Take my word on that.
I will survive for a while - in the memory of other people.
Since I will die anyway one day - if "living is killing me" - I believe it's the humane thing to do to oneself's. Humans have lost sight of humane.
I certainly don't encourage anyone to do what I will be doing - which is not something totally confirmed because - life is not a straight highway. Things can happen that changes one,s mind. However - I have tried suicide before - and there's no such thing as trying. Someone who wants to will succeed. So, I realized that I was calling for help. This time - I am not asking for help. I mean, if someone asked me what I wanted - I'd say I want the Moon to crack in two and see Santa come out of it - in other words - I want out.
I want to say this to the ones who are on the same road as me and don't want to do a u-turn: I haven't felt this great in years. Now that's it's clear that it's finished - I have worked today and it seemed like nothing could affect me because the task ahead overwhelms anything else. I also have a goal - that in my death - I will be able to help others and that is factual - no matter what anyone would say or think. If you ever achieve this level I am feeling - as I've been for some weeks - you will feel great. I parked my car in a no-zone-parking to help an handicaped lady with her grocery and a cop gave me a ticket - I wished him a nice day. Between you & me - I won't pay the ticket. By the time they send me a summons - if I'm around, I'll contest and I'll have to wait to receive a court date. So, the ticket can recycled and used for toilet paper for all I care. I had a giant Superman (toys, statues, books, ect...) that I sold on Ebay. There is a "help bus" in my area - I've gone there last Wednesday (they distribute food and stuff to homeless people) and given ten dollars till I was out.
I can't say that I'm not scared but the good outwheighs the bad. Everynight I program my stereo to shut at 9 - and I leave Blue Skies on - I go to bed and imagine that I'm actually waking up and spending a day with the very beautiful Michelle Forbes - we are dressed in white and walking on the beach. I have never been so peaceful in all my life.
I think & think I now know it's better 44 days happy then a whole life miserable.
Thanks for reading.
I'm very imaginative and if you have questions about the galaxies and stuff - you'd be amazed at the stuff I've thought up off - it goes beyond most written books. Except that I can't prove any of it.
I'm going to die - and I have answers.
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Ginger Faith!
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I'm sorry you want this to happen, but im also glad that you are anticipating it. Im glad you have marveled all of the possibilities, and that you are happy with your decision. I can sense from this post that you are very happy, and glad that you can tell the world.
And, i just want to say, good luck, and i'll see ya in Summerland, because, trust me, when you pass, you'll DEFINATELY see what you wanna. So, have fun with Michelle Forbes(:
Blessed Be,
And, i just want to say, good luck, and i'll see ya in Summerland, because, trust me, when you pass, you'll DEFINATELY see what you wanna. So, have fun with Michelle Forbes(:
Blessed Be,
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Elyheim
Know1...
This is a cry for help! You may not see this now, but trust me, it is! I was in the same spot you were not so long ago. I was so depressed I ended up on top of a roof after having taken a lot of medication. I wanted everything to end. I was tired of the failures *I too have lost 2 jobs in the last 3 years*, I was tired of what I was being told, I was tired of a lot of things. I had convinced myself that everyone who knew me would be better off with me gone. That all my pain and suffering would be washed away after this act I wanted to commit.
But I was wrong! It took this act of extreme desperation for me to realize just how many people actually cared for me. And I'm sure that if you took the time and actually talked to a few of your close friends *either online or in person*, you would realize that there are a lot of people you would be hurting if you did this.
Yes, we are all going to die some day. But that isn't the point of this life. The point is to make it as happy and as joyous as we possibly can before we move on to the next. Whether you think that the afterlife is heaven or summerland or reincarnation or whatever, our happiness there is a result of our actions here. Please, I know right now how you're feeling. I've been there, many many many times. I've learned though, that talking with someone, ANYONE, is one of the best ways to work through this. I don't ever want to end up on top of a building wanting everything to end and I certainly don't want anyone else to wind up there either!
So please, talk with me, talk with a doctor, talk with someone! There are a lot of people out there who are willing to talk with you and help you through this. If you want to talk to me, either PM me here or send me an email at elyheim@yahoo.com . I'm always willing to listen. If you don't want to talk to me, then talk to your doctor. Talk with your closest friend. Believe me, it may not seem like it now, but there are ways through this and there are people who want to listen and do care.
Just please, talk with someone. That's all I ask.
This is a cry for help! You may not see this now, but trust me, it is! I was in the same spot you were not so long ago. I was so depressed I ended up on top of a roof after having taken a lot of medication. I wanted everything to end. I was tired of the failures *I too have lost 2 jobs in the last 3 years*, I was tired of what I was being told, I was tired of a lot of things. I had convinced myself that everyone who knew me would be better off with me gone. That all my pain and suffering would be washed away after this act I wanted to commit.
But I was wrong! It took this act of extreme desperation for me to realize just how many people actually cared for me. And I'm sure that if you took the time and actually talked to a few of your close friends *either online or in person*, you would realize that there are a lot of people you would be hurting if you did this.
Yes, we are all going to die some day. But that isn't the point of this life. The point is to make it as happy and as joyous as we possibly can before we move on to the next. Whether you think that the afterlife is heaven or summerland or reincarnation or whatever, our happiness there is a result of our actions here. Please, I know right now how you're feeling. I've been there, many many many times. I've learned though, that talking with someone, ANYONE, is one of the best ways to work through this. I don't ever want to end up on top of a building wanting everything to end and I certainly don't want anyone else to wind up there either!
So please, talk with me, talk with a doctor, talk with someone! There are a lot of people out there who are willing to talk with you and help you through this. If you want to talk to me, either PM me here or send me an email at elyheim@yahoo.com . I'm always willing to listen. If you don't want to talk to me, then talk to your doctor. Talk with your closest friend. Believe me, it may not seem like it now, but there are ways through this and there are people who want to listen and do care.
Just please, talk with someone. That's all I ask.
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know1...
I wanted to thank you Ginger from the bottom of my heart. It made me cry of joy - really - to have just one person in the whole World for one second who connected with me. So - thanks - I feel good. The only thing free anymore on this World is kindness and people seem to be out of it. I love you!
Ely - I'm not up for a philosophical debate about all this...with you. See, I went through all this with the one person who's really concerned - which is me. You do mention that the point is to be happy and I am really happy. I understand that you think - pro-life = good, pro-death = bad and that this is THE rule, so, in that respect - I thank you too for your care.
I will talk.
I was so moved by the first message that popped up that as things happen I will post and show the steps and some people can decide from what they read what they should do.
Months ago, I called some suicide action program and to be truthful they are not much helpful. If you say you'll kill yourself they'll send an ambulance and police car. If you are not about to kill yourself but are just toying with the idea - they want to go to a next call and make suggestions like posting positive things on your fridge. So that's not such a good experiece. These phone hotlines are not...very hot. A lot of people who call might be disapointed - because you probably have several knots tied inside of you and the people on the other side of the phone - although wants to help you - can't do much.
This Wednesday - I got a call from a lady who works for the blood banks - a nurse will get in touch with me for the procedure to get my marrow. They are really nice and very thankful - about 100 people (in Canada) go through that procedure every year - and mostly for family. So, they really are grateful to you - a warm feeling flowed through me after the call. Because of 1) it's my proof that I'm moving on with things and that 2) even if that highway changed - this is such a selfishless act - because of me - someone will get a big favor they really need.
Oh - about the universe. Seen through a microscope - a piece of wood has more holes than actual matter (you know - 1 proton, 2 neutron around a nucleus and so on), so, one day, it came upon me that maybe from very far, seen from giant eyes - the universe seems to be solid and made from one piece...
Ely - I'm not up for a philosophical debate about all this...with you. See, I went through all this with the one person who's really concerned - which is me. You do mention that the point is to be happy and I am really happy. I understand that you think - pro-life = good, pro-death = bad and that this is THE rule, so, in that respect - I thank you too for your care.
I will talk.
I was so moved by the first message that popped up that as things happen I will post and show the steps and some people can decide from what they read what they should do.
Months ago, I called some suicide action program and to be truthful they are not much helpful. If you say you'll kill yourself they'll send an ambulance and police car. If you are not about to kill yourself but are just toying with the idea - they want to go to a next call and make suggestions like posting positive things on your fridge. So that's not such a good experiece. These phone hotlines are not...very hot. A lot of people who call might be disapointed - because you probably have several knots tied inside of you and the people on the other side of the phone - although wants to help you - can't do much.
This Wednesday - I got a call from a lady who works for the blood banks - a nurse will get in touch with me for the procedure to get my marrow. They are really nice and very thankful - about 100 people (in Canada) go through that procedure every year - and mostly for family. So, they really are grateful to you - a warm feeling flowed through me after the call. Because of 1) it's my proof that I'm moving on with things and that 2) even if that highway changed - this is such a selfishless act - because of me - someone will get a big favor they really need.
Oh - about the universe. Seen through a microscope - a piece of wood has more holes than actual matter (you know - 1 proton, 2 neutron around a nucleus and so on), so, one day, it came upon me that maybe from very far, seen from giant eyes - the universe seems to be solid and made from one piece...
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Ginger Faith!
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No problem Know1.
I mean i know what you mean by not needing philo- whatever that word is.
And, i know that you are happy with your desicion and me sitting here, typing, "No dont do it! There are better things in life waiting to come your way" would be a waste of my time and yours.
I respect your desicion, because you have no loose ends. And, sure. That may sound cruel(for people who talk to me) but, ive always been crueal and unhappy, but i always find the happiness in it. But then again, i have a whole life ahead of me.
But, anyway, onto my point.
Ely, that was really something, but i see that Know1 has made the desicion, and has come to peace with it. There isn't much anyone can do.
I mean, why make someone who is happy, angy/sad with the desiciomn? Its not a very good argument to make, seeing as though no one knows Know1. We cant be judges...all the time.
And, i know. I got the talk about one person can help another from suicide, but Know1 is good with what he'lll do, and im fine with that(:
So, no problem!
Good luck to ya, in, what? 43 days?
Blessed Be,
I mean i know what you mean by not needing philo- whatever that word is.
And, i know that you are happy with your desicion and me sitting here, typing, "No dont do it! There are better things in life waiting to come your way" would be a waste of my time and yours.
I respect your desicion, because you have no loose ends. And, sure. That may sound cruel(for people who talk to me) but, ive always been crueal and unhappy, but i always find the happiness in it. But then again, i have a whole life ahead of me.
But, anyway, onto my point.
Ely, that was really something, but i see that Know1 has made the desicion, and has come to peace with it. There isn't much anyone can do.
I mean, why make someone who is happy, angy/sad with the desiciomn? Its not a very good argument to make, seeing as though no one knows Know1. We cant be judges...all the time.
And, i know. I got the talk about one person can help another from suicide, but Know1 is good with what he'lll do, and im fine with that(:
So, no problem!
Good luck to ya, in, what? 43 days?
Blessed Be,
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know1...
You are so kind to me Ginger that you have been more comforting to me in your first initial post that 1,000,000 doctors.
Alice Cary wrote a beautiful poem called "Nobility" - and it opens this way - "True worth is in being, not seeing," - meaning that what counts is not what is seen but what is done. As you said you might be seen goodly by other people but you have done good to me. You really have. Really.
I have cried at your first post and when I read it over - I cry again - of joy. You're the first person to "interact" with me on my own feelings. I hope that the knowledge that you made me feel very alive and VISIBLE will be sufficient thanks for you.
I hope it will be ok for me to post again - in this thread...hear from you...
There are so many things going on at the same time in my head that I think it would be wrong or confusing for me to write them down. I also have work to do. Clean my house totally, wrap up the furniture for the next user - I need to concentrate. ...and I'm being so selfish - just thinking about me...
Alice Cary wrote a beautiful poem called "Nobility" - and it opens this way - "True worth is in being, not seeing," - meaning that what counts is not what is seen but what is done. As you said you might be seen goodly by other people but you have done good to me. You really have. Really.
I have cried at your first post and when I read it over - I cry again - of joy. You're the first person to "interact" with me on my own feelings. I hope that the knowledge that you made me feel very alive and VISIBLE will be sufficient thanks for you.
I hope it will be ok for me to post again - in this thread...hear from you...
There are so many things going on at the same time in my head that I think it would be wrong or confusing for me to write them down. I also have work to do. Clean my house totally, wrap up the furniture for the next user - I need to concentrate. ...and I'm being so selfish - just thinking about me...
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BlackTeddyBear
I'm sorry that you've come to the decision that you have, but it's your choice and I respect you for making it so thoroughly. Most people aren't very rational about suicide, but if that's what you want to do then good luck to you.
Yeah, this sounds mean I suppose to people who don't understand or don't want to, and in no way am I encouraging your actions, but I wouldn't fight them if I were you. I'd like to tell you to change your mind, more than anything else at this point probably, but telling you to get help or talking about my own life as an example wouldn't be helpful to you.
I wish you luck and I hope to be able to converse with you before your big day.
Yeah, this sounds mean I suppose to people who don't understand or don't want to, and in no way am I encouraging your actions, but I wouldn't fight them if I were you. I'd like to tell you to change your mind, more than anything else at this point probably, but telling you to get help or talking about my own life as an example wouldn't be helpful to you.
I wish you luck and I hope to be able to converse with you before your big day.
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know1...
I'm very thankful for the people who really care and Ginger - I want to believe and believed you and was touched when you told me - and I don't want to look back - because the memory is always more beautiful than the reality - we remember what we find nice - that I would fall asleep and wake up next to Michelle Forbes walking, dressed in white - forever on a beach with a beautiful sky.
So...let's do this...like this is a countdown and if things go one way or the other - I just want to feel good inside and - maybe there'll be something for someone else. However - I am more convinced than ever that I'm doing the right thing FOR ME.
- day 44
I have had a speeding ticket because I'm/was into a frame of mind that makes me feel above the system. This is wrong and I'm happy about the ticket. It is a reminder to be careful - that human life is important. My life is important - I am totally realizing this but - it also implies that I must do with it what I feel is right for me.
I also had to go to the unemployment to fill papers (I work for a an agency) and didn't do it right - the concentration is very difficult. So, the lessons for today are 1) to never hurt others; 2) in the daytime - when I need to function - my emotions are my enemies. It is selfish in a way to want to die and you feel sorry for yourself but I think that these feelings can't be disassociated with the emotions felt. I will have a better day tomorrow. Now that the day is done - I can let the defenses down. I've played some piano - Blue Skies - in slow mode and easy sheet (concentration) and I think of that beach. It fits in well - gives me this bittersweet/sorrow/happiness. I've also read Joyce Kilmer's poem Trees. I always found it beautiful but I never quite got it. ...and now I did. The poem tells us of how small we are - but it is written in a very humble way - and makes me realize that little things can still create beautiful things.
It is dark and I don't like the light. I don't like anything complicated. I have this digital frame where I've put pictures sepia colored (flowers which I've always loved and my dear Michelle Forbes where we are getting a house tonight, in my mind till I fall asleep) with soft music. There's a timer and it goes off automatically.
There's another thing really great that I realized and I really hope you read this and understand it! Humans are born with the ability to want everything but not the ability to acquire everything and so, we are always unhappy because we are always in a state of want. I can't speak for 10 days in advance but since I want nothing right now - I don't feel disapointed in any way.
So...let's do this...like this is a countdown and if things go one way or the other - I just want to feel good inside and - maybe there'll be something for someone else. However - I am more convinced than ever that I'm doing the right thing FOR ME.
- day 44
I have had a speeding ticket because I'm/was into a frame of mind that makes me feel above the system. This is wrong and I'm happy about the ticket. It is a reminder to be careful - that human life is important. My life is important - I am totally realizing this but - it also implies that I must do with it what I feel is right for me.
I also had to go to the unemployment to fill papers (I work for a an agency) and didn't do it right - the concentration is very difficult. So, the lessons for today are 1) to never hurt others; 2) in the daytime - when I need to function - my emotions are my enemies. It is selfish in a way to want to die and you feel sorry for yourself but I think that these feelings can't be disassociated with the emotions felt. I will have a better day tomorrow. Now that the day is done - I can let the defenses down. I've played some piano - Blue Skies - in slow mode and easy sheet (concentration) and I think of that beach. It fits in well - gives me this bittersweet/sorrow/happiness. I've also read Joyce Kilmer's poem Trees. I always found it beautiful but I never quite got it. ...and now I did. The poem tells us of how small we are - but it is written in a very humble way - and makes me realize that little things can still create beautiful things.
It is dark and I don't like the light. I don't like anything complicated. I have this digital frame where I've put pictures sepia colored (flowers which I've always loved and my dear Michelle Forbes where we are getting a house tonight, in my mind till I fall asleep) with soft music. There's a timer and it goes off automatically.
There's another thing really great that I realized and I really hope you read this and understand it! Humans are born with the ability to want everything but not the ability to acquire everything and so, we are always unhappy because we are always in a state of want. I can't speak for 10 days in advance but since I want nothing right now - I don't feel disapointed in any way.
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Ginger Faith!
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Aw, you made me warm inside(:
And, trust me, you dont have to worry about anything. I know you are thankful, and You are Very Welcome.
And, as i am reading this thread, i see that you call yourself selfish.
Honey, trust me. You really aren't. That is what life is about, being selfish, and wanting and wanting, but when we cant get it, we try another way to get it.
So, in the overall, general effect.
I hope you have a good peaceful passing.
And, always think that everything you are doing now, is saving at least 10 other lives.
Blessed Be,
And, trust me, you dont have to worry about anything. I know you are thankful, and You are Very Welcome.
And, as i am reading this thread, i see that you call yourself selfish.
Honey, trust me. You really aren't. That is what life is about, being selfish, and wanting and wanting, but when we cant get it, we try another way to get it.
So, in the overall, general effect.
I hope you have a good peaceful passing.
And, always think that everything you are doing now, is saving at least 10 other lives.
Blessed Be,
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Ginger Faith!
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Ginger Faith!
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Ginger Faith!
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Demetri4
Yes it was a good idea know1. I am deeply respectfull of all that your doing. Also I like that before your big day you are doing good things. Everything you have dreamed about will come to pass and the same good feeling you have now you will have forever. Thank you because in a way for now you have saved me from suicide. I hape I didn't post this too late.