I too have questions about the end.

[Lost in California]

Hello everyone,

I'm 37, Transgender (Born male but identify as female) Out socially for 6 months out to friends and family for the last 3 or 4. Unfortunately being transgender or even transsexual is not enough for me as I should have been born female. Was on hormone therapy for the last year but have let my hormones run out for obvious reasons.

I have a physical body that is quickly deteriorating with failing joints and inverse psoriasis that is spreading and is untreatable. Not to mention that it is the completely wrong vessel for me.

I have fought the battle within me with life and death and my gender issue jointly for 26 of my 37 years here in this existence. I have been miserable for at least 90% of this time. Yes I've had moments of joy but they were just that, moments and never lasted for long.

Ending my own life is something that I have weighed heavily. My Ex girlfriend is well aware of this and is working on closure with my two young children that are no longer in contact with me in any form so that she can get the grieving process over with faster with them.

I'm finishing getting my affairs in order Legal papers, benefits, Will, Etc so that there is little if any guesswork to my affairs after I pass.

Ending this physical and emotional pain that I endure daily is too much. So I’m freeing myself of this pain.

This is something that I honestly feel good about. Like loosing a 500 pound weight off my shoulders. It’s a huge relief.

I’m torn in the belief that either,

I will have to relive out my life having not learned the lessons I was meant to live in this existence (Hopefully in the correct vessel this time…) or,

That my consciousness will cease with the dying of my body’s cells, the life energy will go to the center (Summerland for lack of a better term here) briefly and will be off again to live as something else. The me I know and understand ending. Or,

I don’t know really or understand Summerland so this is a complete unknown to me.



So with my Ex also having Pagan beliefs, I want to leave her with some kind of resource that can help her and my children in this grieving process and closure after I am gone.

Thank you for helping me close my journey here.

Carina.

[Elyheim]

Carina

I may not have some of the physical issues that you have, but believe me when I say I have a lot of the emotional ones. If, like Know1, you are determined to go through with this, I guess there's not a whole lot I can say or do. I am open if you want a friendly shoulder or ear to talk with. I know a lot of what you're going through with now.

I just really hope that after some time for thought, you rethink this path you're about to go down. Suicide really isn't the solution you think it is. Please PM me or email me at elyheim@yahoo.com if you want to talk. Just take some time and really think about this.

[Pixie 89]

She has a point there. I agree with what she said it just isn't
the answer to your problem. When I was 14 I've lost an Uncle who suffered from depression and comitted suicide.. I only pray you find, some kind of peace of mind within yourself. And know that you aren't always, alone in this world and the good Lord is always with you!~ \


Peace and God bless you,

[Ben]

If you are really set on your path (and it seems you are) I just hope that you will spare yourself from the agony of poisoning or hanging.
I hope you have found some way of passing away gently.
Now, about your question. If I've understood you correctly you were asking about afterlife...? Well, that is a question of belief and as a pagan bord is not religious there will be many beliefs to find here. I'm sure that if you think of such things as ending your life you should have some idea about what's coming next. Do you believe in reincarnation, hell, heaven?
Anyway, your question isn't easy to answer without precisions.

[Xal]

Life's not really about lessons.

I think the book Conversations with God will have the information you are looking for.

[Lost in California]

Yes I am set on ending my life. I'll be out within 20 seconds and dead within 4-6 minutes. Painlessly from what I've researched. I don't want any more pain in my life. My timeline is about 3-6 weeks or so...

I have inverse Psorasis and Arthritic Psorasis that is getting worse everyday. I can't live life confined to a wheelchair or the pain that will only get worse as the disease progresses. I can't afford the medications that aren't covered with my work insurance either.

I was living my life for someone I loved. I never lived my life for myself. I have hated myself and my trans issues until last year. My Ex believes I need mental help. I'll be cured of that soon enough.

I have come to accept myself as transgender and don't care who knows. I'm out to everyone I know except for my work.

My Ex and I were discussing this exit strategy yesterday. The reason I'm still here right now is so I can get my finances organized and have all of my documentation and everything possible laid out for a proper exit.

I know people think it's sad but I am going to be free of this burden that is my life. I hope my life energy is repaired quickly and will move on to provide life to another being. Be it human, alien, animal, bug plant, Etc.

In the meantime I'll work on some protection spells to protect my family and friends before I pass.
Thank you all.

Carina.

[Pixie 89]

No please don't do it! Please!

[Pixie 89]

<a href="http://photobucket.com/images/rose" target="_blank"><img src="http://i86.photobucket.com/albums/k93/S ... l/Rose.jpg" border="0" alt="Rose Pictures, Images and Photos"></a>

[Ben]

May you find hapiness. Somewhere...

I too, wish you wouldn't go on with it and find hapiness in your life, in those you love.

But if the pain is too much, I can understand.

Blessed be, you and those you love!

[Mojo_09]

Carina,

You are going to do what you are free to do. I would only encourage you to think deeply about the decision before you. I do not know the symptomatology of Arthritic Psoriasis or its prognosis, and I am sorry for whatever pain it is causing you. I would encourage you to get some kind of counseling. I am M2F transgendered myself, and know the confusion, depression, and pain this can cause--that sense of never being fully One, but always divided, you know?

I think we are here in the earth school to learn to make decisions based on love and trust and joy, rather than fear and doubt and loathing. If you decide to kill yourself, will this decision be based on love and trust, or fear and doubt or loathing? I have always however supported euthanasia for those rare cases of people who are terminally ill and in great physical pain. But it does not sound to me like you are in that situation.

Life is a great gift. Of course, when we are in great pain or suffering, it does not seem like a gift, more like a curse. But the beauty of it is that there are usually many ways to turn our suffering around, to turn what was suffering into contentment, even joy sometimes.

I urge you to think twice. I am here if you need someone to talk to. Email me and we can talk via skype if you wish. I am in Costa Rica.

Mojo

[Terry]

You appear to have thought this through completely. Please consider the ones who love you. Your parents, brothers, sisters, kids and your friends for your death will cause great pain that they will not get over for many years to come. Whatever you decide may the Gods be with you.

[Lost in California]

Thank you to whoever was thinking or (for want of a better word here) praying for me.

I'm still here, waiting for some money to come in so that I can close my last remaining credit card before leaving here. Anyway.

I was working in my garage last Saturday on my last project when I noticed the smell of incence for about 2 hours on and off. I did not have any here and after I investigated this smell, I only had it in my garage. Not outside the garage or anywhere else around my residence. Hmmmn.

My best explanation is that someone was thinking or performing a spell or cerimony and thinking of me at that time. and it was powerful enough that I could smell the incence used at that time.

I thank whoever took the time to think of me. It prompted me to go to local metaphysical store in the Sac area and get some things to try to help ease my soul (Which are helping).

Thank you for your thoughts. And that goes for the rest of you in here as well.

Lost in Cali.

[daughter_of_the_moonlight]

Carina please don't die.
Your soul is so lovely in the way that you right.
You are a transed lady, you had to fight to be a woman and i'm so sorry it wasn't born to you-it should have been, but you were born with a mind strong enough to become a woman and live as so.
This is the hard part, it gets much much easier. My ex is now fully trans and married and it's amazing. he, Zach is in the states, I can get him to mail you-he is a very amazing human being. I met him as Kat. he is Zach.
You ned to live your life as a woman, even if it's a permenant state of mind- only that kind of determination and acomplimshment could come from a woman. Don't die yet, you're just starting to be you.

[AmethystQuartz]

I agree, don't take your own life. Wait until you die naturally to find out the final journey.