Dear Fellow Witches,
I am furious that I cannot get any assistance for health issues from the state. I was already denied disability and turned down for state healthcare. My situation would improve dramatically if I could just find a way to escape the lousy relationships with family members. I am so ill as it is with all of my health issues that surviving a day is difficult enough. The other day, I had to run to get the door again while trying to study because Dad once again had nothing but underwear and a t-shirt on with socks and his house slippers. Imagine how I felt when I opened the door to be handed a disconnection notice by an electric company employee! If this were rare, it would not have been so upsetting.
The trouble is, this crap is something I have dealt with since I was a teenager. Dad has always been a bully. All of the men on his side are known for being extremely difficult. He is extremely irrational and makes absolutely no sense whatsoever with half of the things he does. For example, we cannot afford to buy supplements or organic food that will alleviate some of my health issues, but we always manage to have enough money to buy a carton of his damn Cancer Sticks each week for $54, and for him and my mother to eat out nearly every single day! I have cooked meat only to have most of it go bad because of this. He has absolutely no right to talk about wasting money!
Another thing is he always is picking fights about the dumbest things! My brother said he would rather live in his car than have to move back home. He and Dad nearly got physical at times their arguments were so awful. Mom and I have had a few physical altercations. She used to shake me when I was younger. Let me put it this way, she could sit on me and that would be it. Getting back to my idiot father, his moods are like a pendulum. One minute I am sitting in the kitchen minding my own business and writing in my notebook, and he just goes off on something stupid. The other day, it was paper towels. He started screaming "Why are we using so many paper towels? What are they being used for?" I told him to clean up dog messes, cleaning, and various other things. Well, he just went absolutely nuts and screamed "Where are the paper towels going?! We can't afford to keep buying those!" Then, a few minutes later, he comes back in acting as if nothing ever happened. All the while, I am either seething or dissolved to tears. Sometimes I become severely depressed for days where I only am able to lay around and cry. Other times, I am just extremely angry.
Yes, suicide has crossed my mind frequently. However, I know that will not end the emotional pain. The afterlife can be just as miserable when there are unresolved issues from your life. Everything feels so hopeless. Nothing ever improves or gets better. It is bad enough the creep that nearly raped me on my front porch was released on bond recently after abusing his children. I am so sick of walking on eggshells and worrying about what else will be shut off. The life is literally being sucked out of me. Someone told me the men in her family were the same way, and that it is classic Bipolar. I began crying when I read about children of Bipolar parents' experiences. Every little thing sounded so familiar. Fights starting over unimportant things particularly struck a chord with me. Regardless, I do not care what it is called. He is selfish, hateful, racist, egotistical, and a bully, and I hate him! I am sorry this was so long. Anyway, thank you for listening.
Sincerely,
Arianrhodd
Extremely Angry and Depressed!
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AutumnMaidens
- Posts: 568
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Re: Extremely Angry and Depressed!
Okay... your dad sounds like someone who I know, a man who is completely out of touch with reality and emotion, I would suggest not putting so much thought in the things he says. If he goes on a tantrum sit there and continue what you're doing, don't give him the attention he so obviously craves. And if you are in a position where you give him any sort of attention make it as possitive as you can.
First thing you have to realise is that he is mentally incapable of having an adult discussion, he has no concept of money or how you or anyone else thinks or feels. If this is true in fact will be proven by the way he responds to your mood when he is having a tantrum. If he is truly mature enough he should not be having a tantrum to begin with no? If he is truly mature he would not need to resort to violence in order to win a conversation.
I hope that made any sense. My experience with people like that is usually that they become much easier to deal with if you know how to approach them, I worked with a woman who had been abused as a child so now at 56 she would have tantrums and started screaming about things and what have you, I changed my approach to being as positive as I can and agreeable while reminding myself she didn't know any better and that she wasn't angry at me but angry at the people who abused her. The result was it was more pleasent for me to be around her and her negativity did not weigh on me and because of my positive attitude she became a lot happier overall.
Hope that helped
Bless
First thing you have to realise is that he is mentally incapable of having an adult discussion, he has no concept of money or how you or anyone else thinks or feels. If this is true in fact will be proven by the way he responds to your mood when he is having a tantrum. If he is truly mature enough he should not be having a tantrum to begin with no? If he is truly mature he would not need to resort to violence in order to win a conversation.
I hope that made any sense. My experience with people like that is usually that they become much easier to deal with if you know how to approach them, I worked with a woman who had been abused as a child so now at 56 she would have tantrums and started screaming about things and what have you, I changed my approach to being as positive as I can and agreeable while reminding myself she didn't know any better and that she wasn't angry at me but angry at the people who abused her. The result was it was more pleasent for me to be around her and her negativity did not weigh on me and because of my positive attitude she became a lot happier overall.
Hope that helped
Bless
"If you take a copy of the Christian Bible and put it out in the wind and the rain,
soon the paper on which the words are printed will disintegrate and the words will be gone.
Our bible IS the wind and the rain."
soon the paper on which the words are printed will disintegrate and the words will be gone.
Our bible IS the wind and the rain."
-
Arianrhodd
Re: Extremely Angry and Depressed!
Dear AutumnMaidens,
I definitely understand what you meant. It is apparent my father is quite infantile. Since I was a teenager, I felt like he was a giant toddler. Unfortunately, he is 6'2 and I am barely 5'1 1/2. When I was 16, I actually called the police on him for starting to shove me around. Naturally, they ignored me and even when I told a counselor about it later, nothing was done. Everything was ignored. My health issues are severe, and my parents never have accepted the fact that they contribute to it with the stress they cause.
Mom and I have our moments, but in all truth, part of her issues involve depression from dealing with a spouse that is unreliable, selfish, and unmotivated. He had cancelled a doctor appointment at the last minute after losing his job and insurance in the same day, and the morons in the office put it on my credit instead! I tried to straighten it out, but it was never resolved. He has made absolutely no effort whatsoever to fix this. Then there is the fact he has not done taxes despite them owing him in nearly 4 years. His mean dog picks on the other two we own, and he refuses to get rid of it. However, he also does not want to clean up after her when she pees and poops in the house right after we walked her! I seriously do not like that dog, and I am a big animal person!
Mom makes excuses for him a lot, though. She says it is just his Diabetes and the stress from caring for his parents. No, it is not! The water, electricity, cable, etc. have been getting shut off due to his living in his own little universe for half of my life! He was not caring for my grandparents then, nor was he Diabetic. Nothing ever improves. I try to stay positive, but it is difficult when he lashes out at me the way he does. I am an empath, and can feel it if he is in a bad mood when he walks in the room. Being as civil as possible never makes any difference. That is what is so frustrating. One day, we were in middle of a normal conversation when he was eating. He opened the peanut butter jar and accused me of putting finger marks in there when I had used a spoon! Who does that? WTF?!
Getting out of here is the only way to fix this. If I do not find a way to get some money and get out on my own, I am afraid I will be the next woman on "Snapped!" No one will miss me until they notice the dishes are not done. That is what it seems to be like, anyway. I literally feel cursed and wonder if being related to these people is causing all of this misery. My grandfather's thoughts have always been like black magick, but the negativity and hopelessness is a constant presence with many of my family members. I have seriously been looking into chakra healing lately, and wonder if that could be part of the trouble.
It was the last straw when he expected me to eat meat that may have gone bad during the outage. I was already placed on academic probation and had to appeal due to failure of classes. When you have always been a top student making the President's List, this is impossible to take. Everything is always a crisis, and no one can ever do anything without me. I cannot afford to be kicked out of college! If you are, then you end up having to pay back everything you borrowed from the loan you took out to make up for the amount the Pell Grant did not cover. I am sick of pretending everything is fine to save his ass! I am tired of having to defend my feelings to others in the family, who have no idea the Hell he has put us through!
There are times I am just ready to break every dirty dish he makes. Or, how about shooting the television so he can no longer sit around with his thumb up his rear? Both of those sound so tempting. One thing is for sure, his sorry butt is not worth going to jail for! I deserve a better life than this.
Sincerely,
Arianrhodd
I definitely understand what you meant. It is apparent my father is quite infantile. Since I was a teenager, I felt like he was a giant toddler. Unfortunately, he is 6'2 and I am barely 5'1 1/2. When I was 16, I actually called the police on him for starting to shove me around. Naturally, they ignored me and even when I told a counselor about it later, nothing was done. Everything was ignored. My health issues are severe, and my parents never have accepted the fact that they contribute to it with the stress they cause.
Mom and I have our moments, but in all truth, part of her issues involve depression from dealing with a spouse that is unreliable, selfish, and unmotivated. He had cancelled a doctor appointment at the last minute after losing his job and insurance in the same day, and the morons in the office put it on my credit instead! I tried to straighten it out, but it was never resolved. He has made absolutely no effort whatsoever to fix this. Then there is the fact he has not done taxes despite them owing him in nearly 4 years. His mean dog picks on the other two we own, and he refuses to get rid of it. However, he also does not want to clean up after her when she pees and poops in the house right after we walked her! I seriously do not like that dog, and I am a big animal person!
Mom makes excuses for him a lot, though. She says it is just his Diabetes and the stress from caring for his parents. No, it is not! The water, electricity, cable, etc. have been getting shut off due to his living in his own little universe for half of my life! He was not caring for my grandparents then, nor was he Diabetic. Nothing ever improves. I try to stay positive, but it is difficult when he lashes out at me the way he does. I am an empath, and can feel it if he is in a bad mood when he walks in the room. Being as civil as possible never makes any difference. That is what is so frustrating. One day, we were in middle of a normal conversation when he was eating. He opened the peanut butter jar and accused me of putting finger marks in there when I had used a spoon! Who does that? WTF?!
Getting out of here is the only way to fix this. If I do not find a way to get some money and get out on my own, I am afraid I will be the next woman on "Snapped!" No one will miss me until they notice the dishes are not done. That is what it seems to be like, anyway. I literally feel cursed and wonder if being related to these people is causing all of this misery. My grandfather's thoughts have always been like black magick, but the negativity and hopelessness is a constant presence with many of my family members. I have seriously been looking into chakra healing lately, and wonder if that could be part of the trouble.
It was the last straw when he expected me to eat meat that may have gone bad during the outage. I was already placed on academic probation and had to appeal due to failure of classes. When you have always been a top student making the President's List, this is impossible to take. Everything is always a crisis, and no one can ever do anything without me. I cannot afford to be kicked out of college! If you are, then you end up having to pay back everything you borrowed from the loan you took out to make up for the amount the Pell Grant did not cover. I am sick of pretending everything is fine to save his ass! I am tired of having to defend my feelings to others in the family, who have no idea the Hell he has put us through!
There are times I am just ready to break every dirty dish he makes. Or, how about shooting the television so he can no longer sit around with his thumb up his rear? Both of those sound so tempting. One thing is for sure, his sorry butt is not worth going to jail for! I deserve a better life than this.
Sincerely,
Arianrhodd