Hi sylphaxiom. Thanks for presenting your question here, though you've posted it elsewhere as well. Precognition ain't easy to live with. I've seen death on people before. It's hard to deal with, and the sense of guilt you've described is totally understandable (especially given your situation!). On top of that, there's
already so much in the world to totally unground our sense of well-being if we let it --wars, crime, economic instability, etc. In your case, I think a big key to your healing is to be around other people like you. Here are some suggestions.
Find a Family
You seem to be isolated and in your head a lot of the time. It seems like you tend to let your clairvoyance get to you, and go round and round in mental loops over what you see and sense. I think breaking that isolation cycle would help, coming out of the closet. You shouldn't be in a place where the only people you talk to about this stuff is us (though we're happy to have you!). I think you also need to be around a "family" of sorts in real time, friends that share the same abilities. I think it would help you to integrate your abilities into your real life, instead of it being this other secret thing.
Have you ever attended a psychic development circle? You might really like one. They support one another's growth in a non-judgmental space. Contact a nearby metaphysical store, a Spiritualist Church or Meetup.com for information. Bottom line, get out of your head, and get out there to meet people. Connect. Enjoy yourself with others like you. Learn from them as well (though I don't agree with all of the teachings of the Spiritualist Church, I do find they offer really good instruction in how to properly use your abilities in a balanced way).
Meditate Regularly
I love nekchic44's meditation suggestion. Regular, consistent meditation helps us process our thoughts, ground our minds and our energies. This is crucial for people with pronounced psychic ability, especially those with precognition. While we have to acknowledge these thoughts, we can learn not to get caught up in them, not to get distressed by them. Meditation helps us stay present, grounded, connected.
In addition to cultivating a personal daily practice, if only but a few minutes, try to find a meditation group in your area that meets weekly. Attend the sessions as consistently as possible. It's a great way to strengthen your meditation, meet other people for support and fellowship. You don't necessarily need to discuss your psychic abilities with any of them. Just enjoy meditating with them. Try different meditation styles until you find one that works for your temperament. Again, Meetup.com is a great way to find a group in your area.
Also, you might want to try attending extended meditation retreats once a year. They jumpstart your practice tenfold! Start with a 3-day, then next time increase to a 10-day if you feel ready (if not, just do more 3-days until you do). Contact local Buddhist churches for information about retreat centers. I'm not suggesting become a Buddhist, but I do recommend working with them when it comes to extended retreats (
Vipassana retreats are good ones, and free of charge). To me they teach meditation most effectively (been doing it for 2,500 years). I'm generally not impressed with the myriad of fluff bunny, New Agey meditation fads floating around out there, which I find undisciplined and ineffective in the long run.
Take Charge
Instead of living in fear of your abilities, just learn to manage them properly. Instead of waffling between embracing or suppressing them, make a vow to yourself to be proactive, fearless, and consistent in developing and using them. Then, stick to your vow. I think you will be more at peace this way. Yes, it can be uncomfortable at times. Cars are uncomfortable commitments --gas costs, insurance costs, car payments, risk of injury
or death each and every time we get behind the wheel. But does any of that ever stop us from buying and driving one? No. We face these consequences, even subjecting our children to them. They just come with the territory of using a car. That's just the way it is with everything.
Some believe before we incarnate into a body, while we are still spirit beings, we choose what characteristics we will come into the Earth with. From that perspective then, we are responsible for all aspects of our lives, including what psychic abilities we have and how we use them. Perhaps you came here with the ability to assist people who are experiencing difficult, life-or-death situations, the kind a lightweight, "I only see love and light" person couldn't stomach. Perhaps your penchant for seeing negative things might be because you are an especially strong, healing person. After all, you're an EMT; you already see
and heal the dark side of our physical realm on a regular basis. It seems that now your Higher Self is calling on you to do the same for the spiritual realm, as well.
But there's a way to help people, and there are things to avoid doing, as well. You got a taste of what not to do when your well-intentioned efforts "backfired" once, which probably hasn't been the only time that happened. It probably won't be the last, and that's OK. In
this post, I talk about the Cassandra Complex and how to avoid it. There comes a time when you have to let go of a thing and move on (again, meditation will help with that), no matter how unsettling it may be. In that post I also talk about healthy outlets for expressing and even enjoying your psychic abilities. I also address precognition in
the Psychic Kids thread (scroll down to the post, "Episode Title: Terror in the Night").
I hope these suggestions serve as a starting point. I really think, above all, the care and support of other like-minded people will help you through this spiritual dilemma. Be well my friend.