Fear of disappointment - meditation

[ness]

About a year or so ago, I was going through a very confused and restless spiritual phase. I resorted to meditation and went to someone who helped me with Shamanic guided meditation. I can't stress how confusing and lost I felt, spiritually.
I had the MOST amazing experience during my very first guided meditation. I will try to transfer my experience in words - I sat down, with the shaman drums playing in the background and began relaxing, aligning my chakras and breath going from shallow to deep. My teacher asked me to picturize myself in a calm, beautiful garden to slowly guide me. I followed her vision for me for some time and then she let me go... I suddenly found myself infront of the ocean. Vast and majestic ocean. The sky was grey and air was chilly. The waves were rough! And I was on the sand. I saw someone standing in the waves at the shore. Someone with long hair... I walked toward this person. And as I get closer, an overwhelming feeling comes over me. Like I found someone... found someone who I had lost years and years ago. I burst into tears. I start to cry inconsolably to this person. It felt like my wait was over and I found my answer to my restless heart. I cried and cried, with relief and some sadness. My teacher just sat there watching me cry/sob. It was the most amazing spiritual experience I have ever had. Since then I have meditated at home and felt lot of other things, but nothing so amazing that my soul needed.

Now I feel like my restless heart and mind is resurfacing. But I am scared to meditate because I am afraid I wont see that person again. I miss that person and I want to run into the person's arms but I am scared that it wont happen again. How do I get over this? How can I go back to meditate without any expectations when all I can feel is I have been waiting for this person... probably for many lifetimes. How can I let go? Why did that person come to me and then leave me again? I dont know if makes a lot of sense.

Edit - I might have posted this under wrong category. Sorry, I am new here and still figuring out the board.

[Seraphin]

I think expectations are the thread from which some of the densest parts of the veil are made.

I believe it's best for all of us to just enter into a meditative state and just listen, not with our ears but with as much of our beings that we could open. Let's completely set aside our expectations other than that spiritual reality was there for us to discover. We should be open to whatever would come to us or be revealed.

We'll be amazed at how much we could learn that way, and it will establish a solid foundation for all the explorations to come; among other things, it will show us that we could set goals, and what goals to set, in terms of how to proceed along our paths.

My point is this: I think your expectation to meet the lady again may actually hinder your progress. It may, in a way that's not obvious to you, prompt you to underestimate the significance of other aspects of your spiritual growth. From where I sit (which is absolutely not the best or clearest view), what you have shared here with us was wonderfully significant and indicative of your taking some very large steps along your path. I believe the reason for all of these will become apparent in perfect time but for now I think you have to move on. You may be unwittingly minimizing the part of your path that's really becoming more clear at this time because your fear of disappointment.

Easier said than done, of course, and the movement with which we navigate the road ahead varies from person to person. However, it always begins with a choice, and there are some steps you can take to get over and let go.

• First, acknowledge that many things are not in our control is truly liberating.
• Second, gain self-confidence. This is another essential element in any spiritual or magickal works. The belief that we really can meditate (whether you meet this lady again or not). The presence of negative emotions such as fear, anxiety, uncertainty, loneliness and restlessness will tend to undermine ourselves or result in failure to achieve spiritual development.
• Third, be proactive, not reactive. Try some breathing techniques. Practice meditations and visualizations. Get moving, literally.
• Fourth, to be kind and patient with ourselves. Maybe not as quickly as we'd like! But at the pace that's right for us. Imagine all the lights suddenly coming on in a dark room where very little is as we expected, and most of what we see is absolutely foreign to us. It would be very frustrating or disappointing, to say the least. Better to be accustomed; to be able learn something of our surroundings so that we'll know how to interpret what we perceive when we do finally perceive it.
• Fifth, eat healthy and get enough sleep. Cleanse ourselves of the toxicity brought about by the restlessness and fear trapped in our body. Eight hours of sleep is recommended to fully recharge. Taking a vitamin B supplement at bedtime, spraying lavender mist on our pillows and blankie and taking a cup of chamomile tea may help.
• Sixth, choose gratitude, light and love, and the road ahead "spirituality" becomes lighter.
• Seventh, pray it all away. Prayer is a dialogue, not a monologue. Talk to our Deities or to our highest ideal all night long if we must, but take time to listen to them, too. They send Their answers in many ways and forms.
• Eighth, there are so many helpful spirits in our spiritual community that can support you and help you heal (not just this lady). Let's find them.

Does that make sense? I could be way off on that, but it seems you might do well to more fully acknowledge and embrace the growth you are experiencing, and set aside for now what you think you want to experience.

[ness]

I combined my reply in my other post