I had posted about this in my personal private blog and I will copy and paste it here - as it is kind of hard for me to re-explain it all without going into detail:
At this point (this being during the 24th), I need to seriously interrupt the flow of things here for a reason. Just a few nights ago, I had this dream I was reading the Bible. In the dream I felt conflicted - I felt like I wanted to belong, but at the same time, felt that it was not for me. I had looked up the meaning behind it and found this:
"To dream of the Bible, foretells that innocent and disillusioned enjoyment will be proffered for your acceptance."
I had also had this other dream that, I think is related to it. In this other dream, I had purchased a crystal which looked like a long thin piece of pink tourmaline. When I had got it, I noticed that it turned out to be nothing but pink painted glass. I was seriously disillusioned. There was an incident that happened to me that was actually like that. I had gone on eBay to purchase what was listed as a ‘Natural Black Jade’ bracelet. When I got it, it turned out to be nothing but black painted white plastic beads. Thankfully I didn’t pay much and got a refund. I had gotten what was to be my Strawberry Quartz beads on that day.
Now, I had done as much research as I could and even looked to see what raw Strawberry Quartz looked like to make sure as much as possible that it would be ok. Well, these beads I got turned out to be glass actually - after having found very minute bubbles in them. Now I know readers can laugh and deride me as much as they want, but I didn’t pay much for it for one thing - and two, the sellers probably had no idea that they were glass (as it was quite hard for me to even tell). I’m not overly disappointed, as I loved the color anyway, and they’d look great with my seashells. But it was on that day when a huge ‘shift’ in me occurred. When I was washing dishes in the morning, I suddenly felt like I was going to vomit because I had felt like I was dealing with intense motion sickness. I felt the weird feeling in my head and the horrible feeling in my gut. I had to stop what I was doing and let what energy was ‘changing’ through me do so. It was very hard for me to keep calm and to let the situation pass as it was one of the worst feelings I’ve had since the soul exchange. It eventually passed and I was able to continue on.
Later throughout the day, I realized that the crystals I was drawn to, were actually a sort of ‘signpost’ of where I was in my healing in dealing with healing the body. I had become more attracted to the ‘Anti-New Age Establishment’ type stuff as evidenced in my blog articles I collected. This sort of feeling had been reflected in the dream regarding the Bible. I wanted to ‘belong’ to a group (a New Age group/community) but I had always been an outcast. I was always at odds with things regarding the whole ‘movement’. Whether it be meditation, or becoming vegan/vegetarian, or becoming a healer, etc. I was always thinking, ‘What about taking care of MYSELF and not being a doormat, a spineless coward, or martyr?’ Just like in the articles in the blog, I have noticed the same things (but I had always thought that perhaps it was just me). It is nice to know that I’m not alone anymore in my views of the ‘New Age Establishment’. Interestingly enough, my totem animal - the Shark, whose one aspect is ‘Resistance to Change’, has almost become a sort of ‘symbol’ of myself with all of this. Because I refused to change for the ‘New Age Establishment’ I was rejected, disliked, but mainly ignored. There were a few who were willing to listen to my message and not try to change my message - but rather see how it would apply to their lives. That’s what I wanted…not someone try to change my message by trying to change me. There was to be no ‘change for the sake of change’. I feel like I had come to represent the things most disliked by the ‘New Age Establishment’: ego, the Darkness, ‘negativity’, ‘fear’, the Shadow Self, and a ‘predator’. The Shark had become me, and I the Shark…and like the Shark, I had been misunderstood most of the time. Therefore, I was feared.
There was a sense of serious disillusionment with the ‘movement’. Much like feeling of one’s ‘heart not being in it’. There was also a feeling of it not being for me (despite my own personal spiritual experience - but keep in mind I had met another who had a soul exchange and he’s not involved in the ‘movement’…but owns and runs a tea shop and fixes computers). It is not my purpose to be involved in any form of religion or spirituality. In addition, I was becoming more comfortable with my ‘German self’ - my ‘German identity’…this must be the Mullein working…
"Consciousness must also include conscience; as the soul gain greater awareness of itself it also acquires an inner voice or moral life. This morality must be generated from within; as long as laws or dictates are stamped on the personality from the outside, the Self will not develop real strength of character.
Mullein essence helps the individual at those times when it must wrestle with its own consciousness. It can be extremely beneficial for those who lack moral fortitude, and who may resort to dishonesty and deceit in conducting the affairs of the daily life. Through Mullein the soul awakens to its inner voice and develops the capacity to listen and respond to its true Self.
This remedy can be especially helpful when one must take a stand for personal authenticity, despite social pressure or confusing social mores. The Mullein flower assists the soul in achieving greater moral uprightness, infused with qualities of Light and Truth. "
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That is how I REALLY feel about all this as well...(from one of the articles I posted in my blog):
This is a dangerous bit of advice to give to someone in a bad relationship. It encourages the guilt and lack of self-worth that they are already wrestling with, and it tells them they are wrong if they don’t say “enough”. The Pop-New-Age denial, pretence and martyrdom mindset is about glossing over and hiding real problems.. problems that can be fixed by living consciously. Facing your demons in cold, stark truth, allows you to grow, thrive and learn about yourself, far, far more than keeping an a--hole around in the hope that they might change.
Your duty is to yourself, no other. You can only support someone while they do the work they need to do. Thinking you can change another is a fallacy of co-dependence. Right up there along with the thinking that sacrificing yourself makes you a better person and that you are somehow needed. I choose to be with someone who wants me and it is much nicer than being needed, I assure you.
I think that - after taking time to examine things here, that I felt like I traded in one 'guilt trip belief system' for another 'guilt trip belief system'. And looking back, I feel that I did - what with all the 'but you choose this' nonsense, and all.
I have spent so many years undoing the damage that the Catholic upbringing has done to this body's psyche only to have seemingly traded it for this other nonsense dealing in the higher self-choosing to be abused, karma, etc. And just like that paragraph I quoted above - that's what I mean.
I simply exchanged one guilt trip for another as far as I'm concerned.
I just don't do this masochistic stuff.
Namaste