Am I a horrible person?

Share thoughts, poetry, feelings about the loss of a loved one (pets included).
Post Reply
User avatar
YanaKhan
Posts: 2155
Joined: Tue Sep 24, 2013 1:19 am
Gender: Female
Location: Sofia, Bulgaria

Am I a horrible person?

Post by YanaKhan »

My grandmother passed away today. She was 86 and very sick for the last 5 years. She broke her leg then and even after her leg was fine, she didn't want to start walking again. She relied on my mother for everything - from shower to cooking, changing diapers and cleaning the house. She lived in a village 10 miles away from my mom and it made my mom's life a misery. My mother hired a woman to take care of her and my grandma made her leave. And was always complaining about everything. And I still, to this day believe it was her fault because she just didn't feel like trying.
I don't really know how I feel about her, she always loved my brother more and this is something she freely admitted.

As a child, I used to spend the whole summer there and felt like my parents were punishing me for something. I never hated her, but then again, was never too fond of her like a little girl is supposed to be to her grandma.
And now, I feel bad because I don't feel bad she died if that makes any sense. All I feel is relief. As my mother won't be taking care of her anymore. I don't know how I will be feeling tomorrow at the funeral.
Does that make me a horrible person? That I don't really feel bad? That I feel relieved?
I am sorry to bother you all, it's just ... I have never thought I could be as heartless.
Vesca
Posts: 1776
Joined: Sat Aug 10, 2013 11:24 am
Gender: Female

Re: Am I a horrible person?

Post by Vesca »

It doesn't make you a horrible person, and there is no "wrong" way to feel when someone passes.

In my opinion, there are too many "supposed to's" in the world to begin with and not enough realism. The reality of the situation is that for most people, feelings of love, respect and trust are earned-- not automatic. If she never filled that role for you, then there's no reason why you should feel she had.

Funerals are a strange thing though. You often get a glimpse into the way they were in youth and it can sometimes help to create that sympathy and understanding where there previously wasn't any. Her life consisted of more than those 5 years. :)
User avatar
Xiao Rong
Site Admin
Site Admin
Posts: 3109
Joined: Tue Oct 02, 2012 8:58 am
Gender: Female
Location: New England

Re: Am I a horrible person?

Post by Xiao Rong »

Hey YanaKhan ... my condolences on your grandmother's passing, even if you were not very close to her ... As Vesca said, it's okay to let yourself feel what you feel, even if it's not what people think you should feel. There's no right way to grieve -- plus, family is always really complicated, and our feelings towards them are often muddled. Especially since, as you said, she caused your family a lot of hardship and complications; it seems perfectly reasonable to me that you'd feel relieved at her passing (I'm sure your mom must feel similarly, on some level). In any case, don't judge yourself too hard for how you feel during this time. I know you're a kind and caring person, YanaKhan; just be sure to be kind to yourself too!
~ Xiao Rong ~ 小蓉 ~ Little Lotus ~
User avatar
Seraphin
Posts: 1903
Joined: Sun Apr 06, 2014 11:17 pm
Gender: Male
Location: EUTM's dungeon, keeping a dragon egg in a pot over a fireplace!
Contact:

Re: Am I a horrible person?

Post by Seraphin »

I think you're just thinking and feeling that now you and your Mom can breathe much easier because the death of your grandma means the end of her physcial suffering, and also the end of the huge stress and sacrifice your Mom experienced as her caregiver. Grief and mourning may surface at some later time when the demanding feeling of relief have gone...

Death does bring forth new life. "New life" to your Mom and perhaps to you also.

Condolences to you and to your family YanaKhan.
Seraphin

If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me.
User avatar
Firebird
Site Admin
Site Admin
Posts: 8213
Joined: Tue May 10, 2011 12:03 am
Gender: Female
Location: So. Cal.

Re: Am I a horrible person?

Post by Firebird »

Honey...don't beat yourself up, this feeling is pretty normal esp in a situation like yours. My Uncle died and I too will be attending a funeral tomorrow. He had been ill for awhile, and there is similar air of relief about, but like Xiao said grief has no set way.
I am sorry you didn't have the grandmother/granddaughter relationship. be at peace in your heart. You are a good person,
blessings, bb, FF
“There are things known and things unknown and in between are the Doors.”
― Jim Morrison
“All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen.”
― RWEmerson
:mrgreen:
User avatar
YanaKhan
Posts: 2155
Joined: Tue Sep 24, 2013 1:19 am
Gender: Female
Location: Sofia, Bulgaria

Re: Am I a horrible person?

Post by YanaKhan »

Thank you, everyone for your support!
I feel a lot better now. Actually, my mother said that what I feel is absolutely normal and apart from the grief, she feels the same way as my grandmother wasn't really herself the last five years and now it's over. At the funeral I was able to recall all the good things she has done in her life and even though she wasn't the greatest grandmother in the world, she taught me many things.
She never moved on from my grandfather's death and I really hope they are together now as they did love each other very much - they were together for 50 years before he passed away and now they rest next to each other.
Again, your support means the world to me! Thank you!
Mythic

Re: Am I a horrible person?

Post by Mythic »

May they rest in peace and happiness

Bless be
SapphireRoad
Posts: 992
Joined: Thu Aug 09, 2018 11:21 am
Gender: Male
Location: Barcelona Spain
Contact:

Re: Am I a horrible person?

Post by SapphireRoad »

I think it's the chain of love. You love your mother more than grandmother that you would have loved more than the great grandmother. We just love those that are closer to us more.
There's a "Mothers in time" meditation in the book Grimoire for the Greenwitch. I think it is more tailored for women to do so I can just envy you that you can try it out.
ᚩ ᚷ ᛒ (God and Goddess runes in union)
Post Reply

Return to “In Memory Of...”