Not Belonging?

[tezmouse]

Hey everyone, Tez again. I don't post here much at all, and again, I'm not sure where to put this. If it's in the wrong place, I apologize, but I'm.. stuck.

I posted a thread about self-doubt, and got a few responses, all of which were helpful. But the problem I'm dealing with now is different. No matter what I do or what I read in regards to magic or paganism, etc., I just feel.. nothing. No excitement, nothing. Just.. empty. I've begun to wonder if Loki is a part of my life anymore, or if He's decided to leave, or if the phase of my life where I needed Him to guide me is over.

I just don't know where I belong anymore. I did a reading for myself (tarot) asking why I felt disconnected and what three things I could do were (two of which were the equivalent of 'do nothing' and 'keep spiraling', the third being 'meditate'). While I'd like to begin meditating again, at the same time, I just feel kind of.. bummed about it all. I want to figure out where I belong, but at the same time it doesn't feel like I belong anywhere, you know?

What can I do?

[Sakura Blossom]

I am somewhat in the same situation as you. I work with Loki, as He chose me, and I also do a little, tiny bit of work with Freyja as she chose me as well. Life has been very, very, VERY difficult with Loki and I'm in a position right now where I'm starting to doubt myself and to wonder if I'm on the right path or if there's another branch I can take within this path to give me more fulfillment. Knowing Loki, I'm sure this is another test after all the chaotic things he's put me through this year. Working with him is NOT easy and I knew this going into it.

One thing to keep in mind, and it's advice I need to take myself, is that you do NOT need to fit in. (: Everyone has their own way of doing things and it might just take time to feel comfortable in that.

However, Loki's main way of communicating with me, aside from internally (I am always hesitant to mention that we communicate emotionally and mentally. It's hard to explain) is through Tarot. If your reading is telling you to meditate, you should take some time out of your day to meditate. It's how I met Loki for the first time after realizing he was here, and I think it would be beneficial for you to take that advice and try it. It might give you the answers you're looking for. ^_^

I wish you luck and hope you can feel better soon!

[tezmouse]

Thanks for your reply. I used to feel very connected with Loki, and now I.. well, don't. This seems to happen to me on a fairly regular basis - I'll think I've found my path, and then whether it's months or years later, it starts to not feel right. And so I begin looking around for something that does. It's what caused me to leave Christianity, and I go by my feelings for a lot of things.

And when I say I'd like to fit in and belong, I don't even necessarily mean with a group of people, online or otherwise (though it would be nice!). I want to find a path where I feel like I belong even when I'm by myself. Something will grab my interest, and I'll start looking into it only to go, 'eh, maybe not..' and the cycle continues.

Given that it's also that time of the month (TMI, sorry), it's affecting my mood more. Normally this doesn't make so.. depressed? It's usually just a blank, empty sort of feeling, but tonight it has me down.

[Sakura Blossom]

You're very welcome! Though, I didn't mean as a group. I knew what you meant. (: Sometimes, there is not a single path that is meant for someone. I am a solitary practitioner and I do not follow any specific path. I've created my own. I got advice once from someone that was very important and helped me greatly. "You can read books, websites, etc. but not agree with everything said. You can take what feels important and right to you, and go with that. You don't have to agree with everything".

You may not agree with a set path, and that's fine! All that matters is finding what matters to you and feels right to you.

I personally don't enjoy organized religion or organized paths. I like the idea of doing what I want and combining various things to make my own.

Everyone has their own ideas and beliefs, it's a matter of finding what fits best with you and forging your way with that in mind.

It can take awhile to find it, and you can feel like you're on the right track but then hit a roadblock. It happens more often than you'd think. The important thing is to not lose hope and trust that your deities are helping you - it may just be a time when they feel the need to take a step back and allow you to either process a lesson that's currently happening or has happened that you just haven't realized it has yet. (:

[tezmouse]

That makes sense. I've gone from feeling fairly comfortable with what I am (minus the whole 'oh god I hope my family doesn't find out') to just feeling.. meh. I've got no problem with eclectic paths and that's something that has always made sense to me, but even then I just don't feel like anything sticks. Like I'm reading up on sea witchery, or looking at pictures of altars, and then I'll make an altar and I'll get excited for a few days and theeeen.. I just kinda crash. I stop caring and the same old feelings come back.

I do plan to meditate when I've got some alone time to (I'm not comfortable meditating with others around), and with any luck I'll maybe get at least some answers, even if they're vague. It's just hard to be optimistic and such when you feel so bleh, but I've gotta at least -try- to think positive. After all, no good comes from continually dwelling on the bad, right?

[Sakura Blossom]

I 100% know the feeling, that's where I am right now. I keep finding things that make me excited and think it's right but then I just lose the momentum to keep going and studying. It doesn't help that I just don't have energy often due to health reasons, so it makes it hard for me to research things.

Hopefully we'll both get our answers soon!

[AdastraJunction]

Sounds to me like you may be over analyzing everything. Sometimes the best thing to do is not do anything at all, take a step back and get a different perspective.... doing too much can cloud your path. Peoples paths change all the time, there is nothing wrong with that so it may turn out it is not what is right for you in the end or it may be a way for the cosmos to get your attention towards something you're missing.

[Alatoru]

You don't need to belong anywhere. Just live your life and if something pulls you hard, follow that, if something else pulls you, follow that, don't regret what you have done in the past or just because you don't belong somewhere. I am currently following druidry path and that's it. Almost a year ago I was into Wicca, but now I understand that being druid is my path.

[Myrth]

I am a crone, and I have been on a spiritual journey for a very long time. In my view, people evolve and change as they move along their spiritual journey. It is quite common to pursue something for awhile and then find that it no longer fits. At that time, some soul searching and exploration is in order to find out where your path leads from here. I suppose some paths are linear. Mine has been winding. It is all good, so long as you are growing and developing your spiritual side.

[tezmouse]

Thanks again for your replies, everyone. I'm feeling much better this morning, certainly in part due to y'all's advice. What I may just end up doing, for who knows how long, is just make a list of all the things that interest me, and not even from a pagan standpoint. Just things, people, places I feel drawn to, etc. Like the ocean, animals, space, meteor showers, etc. And just start.. doing something, I guess, haha!

Although now I'm curious if there's such a thing as space witchery, because I feel like I'd be pretty down with that...

[Myrth]

Space witchery. Hmmm. Well, I suppose a focus on space could be an extension of what many green witches do. I certainly pay a lot of attention to the moon, stars, meteors, etc. I follow NASA like any good geek of any spiritual stripe. I call on energy, universal energy, for my workings. So I don't see any reason why you couldn't take a more space centered approach.

[tezmouse]

I've always been a huuuge astronomy nerd, so I definitely think I should do some more looking into it. And if there's no real 'space witch' sort of branch..? Well heck, maybe I'll just be the first!

Thanks again everyone for your thoughtful replies, it really means a lot to me! <3

[Sakura Blossom]

You know, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being the first in something that interests you! I honestly think that sounds like it could be an interesting take on that sort of thing. I liked Myrth's suggestions about that, it would be really interesting to hear what you come up with!

[Dita_Aster]

As someone who has practiced meditation for 15 years, I can say that one of the biggest challenges to it is when things just feel "meh." But usually, if you can be present with your uncertainty and doubt, and just allow yourself to be mindful of your own blah feelings, it will usually open up into something else - maybe even something very exciting. Who knows what this ambivalence could be blocking?

Also, space witchery sounds like a great idea. I'd join that coven in a second

[MsMollimizz]

Tez...?
What have you been reading ?
What paths/ideas have you been researching ?
I'm wondering so I may have some idea to help you...
Sakura,
Maybe some earth based path for now, like
your reading suggested ? Just a thought.
Gentle Blue Light
MsMollimizz