Help Undoing Subconscious Programming

[Silversong]

For a very long time, no one, not even the very closest of my friends, knew that I was a Witch. I was too worried that my friends would leave me if they knew, even though I didn't actually think they would. This fear extended back to one of my first "best friend", whom I now realize was not actually a very good friend at all, who most certainly would have dumped me if she had ever found out my family was Wiccan. I knew all that. And I knew that it was probably an irrational fear with these friends. What I didn't realize until just the beginning of this year was just how deep this fear went. Those of you who have read my About Me thread know the basics of how this goes, but I'm going to post it again and elaborate a good deal, because I feel like I might be ready to start trying to undo what I suspect has actually developed into subconscious programming.

I live in a tiny little town that is overwhelmingly Christian. For the most part, that's not an issue, because most of the people I hang out with are pretty open-minded (not that some of them even realize that I'm a Witch). However, one of my first "best friends" was a girl who is not just Christian, but is also a stuff-down-your-throat, my-way-or-the-high-way kind of person, including when it comes to religion. As a result, it was drilled into my head when I was pretty young that you did not discuss Wicca with people outside the family, because my mom was afraid that the girl would never speak to me again if she found out (a valid concern, as she's firmly convinced that Wicca is devil worship and once she has something in her head, it's basically impossible to convince her otherwise. The girl's own older sister is apparently Wiccan, and she still thinks Wicca is devil worship. That should give you an idea).

Caution, of course, is a good thing. Sadly, somewhere along the way, that caution turned into fear, and that fear became part of my subconscious programming. I only very recently realized just how deep that fear went, and now I'm struggling a bit to overcome it. How it happened:


Last school year, at the beginning of this calendar year somewhere, I was in an art class with my Witchy buddy Red, one of my closest-circle of friends. We'd both had a pretty stressful day - in Metals I the period before, firstly my project which she was helping me with was falling apart, and secondly toward the end of the class, one of our friends had split his finger open to the bone on the grinder. We were both worried sick about him, and ridiculously tense and on edge because of these and a few other things which I don't remember.

Anyway, in art class, an idiot (generally a nice idiot, but that day he was really being an idiot, though I think he felt bad about it afterward - let me just say that usually I do like the boy, he was just being really stupid and insensitive that day for whatever reason) I'll call Z was yakking on about something about... oh, what was it. Poltergeists, that's it. Only he was seriously misusing the term. Well, Red's really into supernatural stuff, was into that long before she became interested in Wicca, and she got irritated because she has a bit of a short temper and her nerves were already, as I said, all but gone, and snapped at him something about him not having any idea what he was talking about. They sniped at each other for a minute, and after a few shots back and forth, Z asked why she knew so much about it, and whatever was left of her patience splintered and she snapped, "It's called being Wiccan!"

Now, here's the thing.

I doubt anyone else in the room was paying attention enough to have heard. Even if they did, I doubt they cared. I don't think anyone even remembers it except for us. But all of a sudden, when the word 'Wiccan' escaped her lips, the world stopped for me. My heart kind of went 'ka-THUNK' in my chest and truly felt like it stopped beating for a moment. My vision almost seemed to zoom out - certainly my perception did - and suddenly I was extremely aware that we were in a room full of our peers, most if not all of whom were Christian, most of whom I most certainly did not trust, all of whom might well have heard it. Even though, looking back on it, I don't think anyone actually looked at us, at the time it felt as though the entire room turned around to stare at us. My brain's usual rather cluttered two or three trains of thought all crashed at once, leaving sheer silence in my head - a rare and very scary occurrence for me - and three words made their way to the surface, trying to label the feeling and succeeding rather brilliantly: Two versus World. Even though I knew that wasn't the case, my subconscious panicked. My adrenaline level went through the roof. My muscles tensed, tingling in a fight-or-flight reaction, and my entire being tensed, though I'm not entirely sure what it was expecting.
In any case, he brushed it off like it was nothing, though that didn't reassure me. I don't remember exactly what was said, but I remember her telling him to stop and shut up, probably because she noticed I was getting uncharacteristically upset over this and she's that kind of person - her pain does not matter if one of her friends is hurt, to a fault - which he, of course, ignored. At some point, I stood up and actually might have walked over and decked him - and I probably would have broken his face in, I was so mad and scared - but Red jumped up and stopped me, which is a really scary thing, because usually it's the other way around. A second later, he repeated whatever he'd been saying one more time, being the idiot, belligerent teenage boy he was, and I don't remember exactly what came out of my mouth when I shouted at him, but I broke completely and actually had to put my head down, forehead on my forearms folded on the table and face over the open air next to the edge of the table like I do, hair hanging down on either side of my face to shield me from the world, because I was fighting the fact that I was crying and didn't want people to see because I didn't want to deal with the consequences.

Red, of course, noticed. All her attention switched from Z to me. She tried to get me to say something, but of course, I was silent, very aware that my voice would betray me if I spoke and that I would start sobbing if I let my throat open so much as a crack. Red got the teacher to let her take me to the bathroom - he asked if I was all right as we were walking out the door, me with my hair hanging around my face so no one could see how badly I was upset, but neither of us answered him, to the best of my memory. We made it to the bathroom and I slumped down in the corner, shaking like a leaf - again, usually Red's thing - and started sobbing, thanking the Lord and Lady that no one was in there. Red didn't try to make me talk, just sat next to me and let me cry myself out. She knows me, knew it would do no good.

I had almost recovered when I heard footsteps coming in. I immediately swung my hair around my face again, knowing my eyes were still red and swollen, but thank the Lady, it was a very close friend of mine, who didn't know I was Wiccan, but whom I did and do trust immensely. Call her Hodel.

Hodel knew instantly something was wrong; she came over to me and gods curse it, I started crying again. I explained what had happened, hesitating and glancing at Red, who immediately knew what I was thinking and assured me she trusted Hodel enough to tell her about the fact that we're Witches. Hodel is very Christian, but she is also very open-minded, and we've proceeded to have many very interesting (if rather tense and stress-inducing - though also, curiously, stress-relieving) conversations and discussions over the similarities between our beliefs. She took it all in stride, Goddess bless her.

In any case, I realized then just how deep the fear of others rejecting me for my beliefs has gotten. Even though I know consciously it is irrational and consciously I truly don't care anymore, my subconscious still clings to it. Since that day, I've opened up several conversations/discussions on Christianity vs. the Craft with Hodel, and I am exceedingly grateful to her for it. A couple of days after telling her I am a Witch, we happened to have a Drama cast party at the choreographer/co-director's house, and we had the first such discussion there, escaping to the very back corner of the backyard where there was a swing bench we could both sit on. The purpose of that talk was to explain the Craft and my personal beliefs in a little more detail to Hodel, since I initially refused to discuss it over text - again, out of the fear that someone else would read it; I've since started talking more and more openly about it over text, trying to push aside that rather irrational fear - and I had to stop halfway through and breathe and ground myself and try to organize my thoughts because I almost started crying again from sheer stress. I confessed how bad my fear had become about it, and kind of sat there in a horrified awe at how I was reacting to my first open, full, anything-close-to-lengthy discussion on the subject with a Christian - adrenaline started racing again, my muscles tensed, my gut clenched, my heart pounded, and, as I said, I very nearly started crying again for absolutely no apparent reason other than the fact that I was confessing how this whole thing started to someone else who had no prior experience with the first "best" friend in question for the first time. I think at some point I had to cut myself off and just sat there staring at the sky trying not to start crying, because I didn't want people to ask what was wrong because then I'd have to say 'nothing' and I take some measure of pride in being the one girl I know who says 'nothing's wrong; I'm fine' and actually means it, and kind of lapsed into whispering, "Gods, this is bad, how did it get this bad?" Hodel let me sit and ground and try to sort out the mess inside my head for a while before continuing. (Since then, as I said, I've had multiple other such discussions with her, some in person and some, more recently, over text, and it's become easier and less stressful every time.)

I know my mother didn't mean for this to happen when she told me I probably shouldn't tell my friends about our beliefs when I was little. She tried to make me understand it wasn't about being afraid, but I think that part didn't really connect right. You know how it is with little kids - if you don't make absolutely, 100% sure that they know not to talk about some things with other people, they blab everything at the wrong time to the wrong person, and I was no exception. She just didn't want me to lose my only close friend because of it, maybe because she was worried that would make me more afraid than anything. Maybe she was right. Either way, the neurons didn't quite connect the way she intended, and now I'm trying to deal with this. I would appreciate help and suggestions, even just generic support. I'm scared to try to "face the fear" and talk about it openly... I'm scared it would cause my psyche to do nasty things like break down from stress.

[Seraphin]

Hiya silversong!

Thank you for opening up here and sharing your story with us. I believe many people especially the Christians hate witches because they opposed knowledge and real experience. They are all for faith, faith, faith!

The Real Reason for Hatred of Witches

On a certain conscious level, people recognize witches' and pagans' knowledge and practice as truth. Those unwilling to embrace the truth have found that the only way to rid themselves of it is to malign the practitioners or dismiss their knowledge as works of Devil and such.

That is what is so irksome about Craft and paganism, and that's why, for some people especially the Christians, nothing less than total destruction of the witches and pagans will do. If witchcraft and magick were just another ideology, Christian could laugh it off and continue to mind their own business. But deep in their soul, I think they recognize some essential truths of witches' practices and beliefs, not to mention old paganism has a lot of similarities to this new Christian religion-- people can't just laugh it off.

That's why the Christians' hatred of the magickal people and witches was particularly intense, brutal and violent. They, more than those of other religions, were threatened by these similarities which the early Christians I believe borrowed from pagans. Pagans originally celebrate Samhain and Yule. The celebrations assume a "wrongness" about Christianity. The Church Fathers understood that if the pagans first celebrated it, and they remain pagans, this implies that Christianity is bankrupt.

Understanding Being a Witch

As a witch and pagan myself I can withstand almost any amount of persecution. Throughout history, the study of witchcraft and magick has survived countless incidents of unspeakable prejudice and persecution. And I think the secret of this persistent strength could be described by the words of Philosopher Friedrich Neitzsche, "A human being can survive any how, as long as he has the proper why." That is to say, people can tolerate any difficult situation or circumstance life sends their way, if only they understand the deeper meaning to that knowledge and experience.

We have seen that witches have experienced enormous amounts of hatred and oppression -– ultimately leading to Witch hunting and trials. And through it all, the knowledge still survives. That is because those people who kept it understood that it was worth it. They understood the knowledge of it.

Now, if a person who practice magick would not have seen any meaning to the prejudice and persecution, it's unlikely he/she would have been willing to stand by his/her magickal or witchy identity. That is why we find such widespread condemnation today -- many witches don't see why they should "lose out" on life and set themselves apart.

In other words, Anti-Paganism Propaganda + Ignorance = Condemnation

Although we don't live in Salem where they were witch hunters, we do live in a world that is subtly anti-pagan or witchcraft or magick. Whether it's the Christian condemnations or media bias against our belief and practice, or discrimination against witches in predominant Catholic countries today, hatred of the witches is there. Subtle but persistent.

Red Hair Metaphor

Imagine you have a six-year old daughter, and finally the great day arrives when she's ready to go into first grade. Like all young first-time parents, you're nervous too. You send her off to school, wondering: How will she be accepted? Coming home that day, you're very excited to hear about your daughter's first day. But you see that she is sad and criyng. You ask, "What's wrong?" She answers, "During our break all my classmates taunted and bullied me. They looked at my red hair and called me hurtful names, I feel terrible! I don't want to go to school anymore, I don't want to be called red-haired!"

Of course, as a parent, you're devastated. Your kid's whole future, her self-esteem, is on the line. So what can you do about it? The easiest solution to this problem is to dye her hair black. Presto! No longer a redhead. Problem solved!

What's the more hard solution? To reevaluate it. To tell her that no matter what they say about having red hair, it's not awful. Actually it's beautiful! It's unique." You refashion it. And she has no more problems. Because your daughters' problem was not really a problem but just a misconception and misinterpretation of others.

Unless we as a witch have a strong understanding of the significance of being a witch, then, by definition, we're not going to like being identified as witch. We're not going to like our real self!

The Cause is the Solution

The solution to this is exactly the same as the cause: It is our unique and original beliefs and practices that cause hatred, and it will be our beliefs and practices that ultimately will eliminate the hatred.

Only when witches act, speak, etc as witch – only when our knowledge is known -– can we ever hope to experience a world in which discrimination has been eradicated. Yep pagan ideas influence the world, but the world can't absorb the message properly unless we who practice it know it and share it. I personally believe that this would effectively undo the conscious programming the world done to you.

[SnowCat]

Being a teenager in a small town is difficult in itself. Add in practicing a non-mainstream belief system, and you can have an explosive situation. Silver, you have been called to your path for a reason. That reason, and your path, are every bit as valid as the more traditional paths in your town. Just keep believing in yourself.

Snow

[Becks]

Thinking of you Silver. It's not easy and there are no simple solutions sadly. Take comfort in your supports. You have some good friends there.

[Silversong]

Edited in the last two paragraphs. Done for now; will notify if I add anything else at a later date.

Thank you, Seraphin. I actually had the time to read all of that (for once in my life, ha!) and while a lot of it my conscious mind already knows, I think my subconscious is struggling to get the concept. I don't know if talking about it more openly would help me or not... I'm scared to try, though, scared, as I said in the last paragraph, that the stress will start doing nasty things to me. I'm not particularly good at handling stress (though I find a couple of hours of Krav Maga on Sundays does wonders), and with how much I know it has affected me in the past and how much I suspect it would still affect me with someone my subconscious hasn't accepted as "family" and therefore okay (which maybe might be the reason I was so stressed with Hodel at first, but at this point not nearly as much, and yet never really had problems with Red or Flame (that pastor's kid I mentioned) - they were family to me by the time I told them, while Hodel has since become accepted as closest-circle)... mrr. Perhaps. I will have to think about that.

Thank you, Snow. Honestly, I think this tiny little town of mine with its high school of less than 200 is probably a good thing, because there's a lot less bullying and a lot less other such muck than most places. Not to say we don't have our idiots and our "Popular" girls (aka the Gossip Sharks) and whatnot. But when everyone knows where everyone else lives and just about everyone owns a gun... well, you're a lot nicer to people, haha. However, there is the downside that once one person outside your closest friends (sometimes inside your closest friends, depending on who your closest friends are) knows, within a day or two everyone and their second cousin knows. Pros and cons. You know how it is.

Thanks, Becks :3 I'm thoroughly convinced that our little "group" is probably the happiest, socially healthiest, and definitely most trustworthy group out there. Unlike the "Popular" girls and their ilk, we stand by each other no matter what. We may be wolves, but at least we always, always have each others' backs - unlike the sharks, who turn on each other at the slightest sign of weakness. I trust them with everything, and vice versa.