Smogie's Ramblings

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smogie_michele
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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Post by smogie_michele »

For those who were wondering about the pup... One week into being done with chemo and she is doing just fine. Yesterday she walked three whole miles without wanting to stop. Usually, the foot that she takes her medicine in starts to bother her after a mile or so, so her normal walks are kept relatively short. Her appetite is back in full swing, she begs for food day and night.
Over all, it seem that all of us are doing much better. The weather is nicer so were are outside more, we finally got a new computer, next week we are putting a deposit on out honey moon and buying a little more furniture to go in our living room for when we move. All of our fur kids seem to be doing just fine... AND I made an 85 on the hardest test I have ever taken.
Things could always be better, but at the same time things could definitely be worse. I'm happy to say that as of now (knock on wood) the worst is behind us. We are finally in a position where we can start working on getting out of here and moving on with our lives.

I'm really looking forward to being home.
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She is not pleased that the food bowl is empty!
She is not pleased that the food bowl is empty!
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smogie_michele
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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Post by smogie_michele »

Once again, I have found myself overwhelmed in school work...
I'll get back on the ball later on...
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A little bit of St. Patrick's humor
A little bit of St. Patrick's humor
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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Post by smogie_michele »

Best Friends and Headaches

Before I get started, my wordpress blog just got a new makeover... and it seems to have taken off. If you guys would like to check it out, you can visit it at http://www.witchyd.wordpress.com
With the new computer, not only am I able to get back to cracking down on school, but I am able to make much better use of this forum and other outlets for social media. Woot!

Aside from that, I'm attempting to come up with a meditative ritual that will help me come up with the guidance that I need so that I may help my best friend... If any readers have any input, I would greatly appreciate it as well.

My best friend of 20 years (just shy of it, really) is getting married the first weekend of April.
She is absolutely miserable.
I know wedding planning is stressful, I'm doing it now... but there is no light left in her eyes. This man is rude and becoming very dominant over her... and she doesn't see it.
I was never really a fan of him to begin with, he never participated in any social events and often whined to go home as soon as they showed up anywhere. At first it was annoying, but we could look past it. Then it became absolutely obnoxious... for example, they were suppose to be coming over for dinner one night in October last year. When they arrived, he immediately informed us that he would not be staying because I had a Halloween wreath hanging on my door and did not condone the celebration of "Satan's holiday."
Despite my reservations about him, she still insisted that she was in love with him and wanted to be with him, so I respected that and decided to support her.

Now, I simply cannot accept it. He speaks down to her. He works a part time checkout job while she is a teacher by day, math tutor by night, and a clerk at a grocery store on the weekend... all so she can support HIS spending habits. She isn't allowed to touch his phone, but he can look at hers whenever he pleases. When she gets home from work, it is HER job to cook dinner, clean up around the house, and start his laundry... again, he works part time, so he has plenty of time to do AT LEAST some of it for himself. The way he speaks to her is beginning to remind me of how my father treated my mother and myself... my father is addicted to meth and was very abusive.

Her family has spoken out about their feelings, but she is convinced that it is a race issue. He is black, she is white... We are southern, so unfortunately that assumption wouldn't be far off in some cases... but it is simply not the problem right now. Its the fact that she is too smart, driven, funny, and beautiful to let someone treat her like that... to let someone drag her down.

I tried meeting her for coffee to talk to her about how she felt, but she ended up insisting that we go back to her house. I agreed, because her fiancé was supposed to be at work... but he wasn't. So she made him dinner as he played video games, then he gave her grief because she had guest over when there was a dirty house.

I'm at a loss, and I need guidance. As her friend, I cannot in good conscience let her go through with this without at least telling her I am concerned. But I don't know how to approach it.

I decided that I would like to do a bedtime meditation, where I meditate while focusing on my good intentions into sleep. I want to place a mojo type bag under my pillow and fill it with the herbs and crystals associated with guidance and friendship, but I don't know what all I should put in it yet.

If you all have any friendly suggestions about how to approached her, or what to put in my mojo bag to help aid in my meditation, I would greatly appreciate it.
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.
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SnowCat
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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Post by SnowCat »

I would suggest rose hips, rose quartz, and amethyst. Your friend is in a potentially dangerous situation.

Snow
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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Post by smogie_michele »

Thank you, snow. I was planning on rose quartz, dries rose petals and lavender. I do also have amethyst and Becks also suggested mugwort, which I just obtained today. We met when we were five years old and in girl scouts, so I am adding one of the "swaps" that we made together while away at camp and writing down what I want for her: happiness, love, a career, laughter, relaxation. I think that is better than focusing on what I DON'T want, that way when we talk I am going to be as loving an uplifting as I possibly can.
I think I will sleep on it until I can see her next, then carry it on my persons for the conversation
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.
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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Post by smogie_michele »

Losing motivation.

I think this living situation is wearing down on me. Things are getting to be too much (as if they weren't before) and now I am just losing it.
I know we can't move yet, we don't have the money... but because we can't move and I am running out of ways to cope with living in this place, it is a struggle to get out of bed... let alone workout and do my homework.
Why deal with any of this when I could be sleeping? Or just laying in bed staring at the ceiling? Instead I need to get up and deal with the fact that I am unhappy hear and will continue to live here for at least another two months.

motivate me, please.
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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Post by SnowCat »

Get through one second at a time.

Snow
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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Post by smogie_michele »

I'm spending the next two days with my best friend... her wedding is tomorrow.
Its gonna be bad.
I need to remember this prayer.

Also, I just REALLY needed a laugh today.
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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

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They opened the WRONG bottle of wine... an update.

**long winded rant type post.. sorry in advance

It has been quite a moment from the last time I've written to you all, hasn't it? So what is going on with Smogie lately?

I was the maid of honor in my best friend's wedding... things are still bad between them, but at least I spoke my peace to her and she knows where I stand. The wedding was rough- she was a nightmare to be around. If the tv show bridezillas was still in the air, she would definitely be on it.
I've been cracking down a bit more on school, but I am honestly starting to second guess my decision. I don't know if I want to continue down the path of a vet tech... though I am passionate about it, there is still the "is it right for me?" doubts I have running through my mind. I'm just going to finish the course before I make a decision- I'll be paying for it anyways, so I'll make it to the end before I decide if I'm on board or not. At the very least, I have gained useful knowledge that will better help me to take care of my pups and cats.

Thing on the home front have gotten worse here. I wake up everyday thinking, "it can't get any worse than this," and somehow it always does. My mother-in-law keeps walking in on me changing (our lock doesn't work), she is always going through my room looking for stuff to "borrow," she broke my vaccum AND steam cleaner, she has promised over 40 people that they would be invited to our wedding (our guest list is at 70 people...)... then, to top it all of, she did the unthinkable...
Flash back two years ago: Cody got down on one knee and asked me to be his partner in crime for the rest of our lives. We were broke. Jenny had almost died and we spent every last penny we had on saving her life. we had just enough money to go to dinner with out family that night and to pay rent in cody's account. My bank account was -$30, but I had a $20 in my pocket. Things were bad for us, but as soon as I had that ring on my finger, I dragged Cody to a nearby craft wine shop and spent my last $20 on a bottle of wine that we would open on our wedding night. I stapled it up in a brown bag and wrote "to be opened on our wedding night" along with our names in huge red and black letters on it. When we moved in with them, instead of leaving it in our storage unit where something could possibly fall on it and break it, we put it in the fridge at Cody's parents house, telling them what it was, showing them the "to be opened on our wedding night" tag, and so on.
Flash forward to two weeks ago, I got a phone call asking where Cody and I had gotten that bottle of wine from, that she was just curious... I told her that it was from a craft wine shop that was in the mountains, that I don't remember the name of it. I was met with a soft, "oh..."
She drank it. I opened my wedding night bottle of wine that I bought with my last $20, the bottle that I was going to share with my future husband as a celebration of "look how far we've come... we've made it," the bottle that was labeled DO NOT OPEN.
And she drank it.
She doesn't understand that that bottle of wine, while I'm sure she could buy that same type and brand for us, will never be able to be replaced. Just thinking about it makes my face boil. I know hate is a strong word, but I am getting VERY close to being able to confidently say "I hate her. "

After the bottle of wine incident, I've lost all of my patience. I find myself snapping at her. I tell her to "get the f*** out of my room." She will normally respond "this is my house," to which I reply "fine, ill stop paying rent, buying your groceries, cleaning your house, and paying the power bill," which normally shuts her up and makes her leave me alone. The night she drank that bottle of wine (after I was able to calm myself down enough so that Cody could understand me through all of my crying), I told Cody no more... I couldn't live there anymore. I don't care how broke we are, how hard it is going to be to save for the wedding, how we won't be able to get a house... I cannot do this anymore. None of those things are worth my sanity.
I was expecting him to protest and tell me how hard it will be to save, but instead he hugged me and said "okay. You've been through enough. This isn't fair." I love that man.

I have been through enough and I just can't do it anymore. I was crying everyday, I was too depressed to leave my bedroom, too unmotivated to write anything... I stopped taking care of myself the way I should, resorting to immobility and consuming lots and lots of sour cream and onion chips. At this rate, I have no desire to have a relationship with his mom after this (yes, I know that is wrong of me, but I am speaking honestly about how I am feeling), and I am convinced that she will NEVER be allowed to look after our future children. First of all, I don't want them crawling around on this disgusting carpet. Second, is she even capable of watching a child? She sleeps until 4pm, then she immediately starts drinking as soon as she wakes up, and by 7 she is drunk and acting like a spoiled brat. ...Sorry, ranting. I'm getting worked up.

After the wine incident, I called our old apartment homes to set up a tour. We love living there, we loved the location... we just needed more room and the way the leases were set up would make us pay over 1000 for a one bedroom apartment. Things have changed and I wanted to revisit it.
As if it were meant to be, there was ONE two bedroom, two bathroom apartment available for rent in may... a little later than what would be preferable, but the way it worked out is the ideal situation for Cody's pay schedule. It is pet friendly and quiet... the living room and kitchen are bigger than what we have at Cody's parent's house, and because they are hoarders the extra bedroom will actually give us more square footage than what is available to us now. It was perfect, but I was worried that with my credit we wouldn't be able to get it...
Normally, we wouldn't have been able to get it, according to the leasing agent. But as fate would have it, our agent was our downstairs neighbor and she had told us that she didn't know anyone lived above her until we were moving out because of how quiet we were. She also said that our walkthrough when we moved out showed that we up kept our apartment better than most tenants do. That, coupled with our good rental history, sealed the deal. At just $15 over our asking price, we are getting ready to sign our contract.
We are finally going home.

I'm looking forward to being home. To being ourselves.
I don't care if we are broke, I wanna want to make my home with the man I love and all of our pets... to make dinner in my own kitchen, to take a bath in my own bath tub (or to take a bath period... the tub here has a giant hole in it, so showers are under 3 minutes and I have to wash my hair in the sink...), to fall asleep on the couch while watching our Bond-a-thons...

I'm ready to put this all behind me.
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.
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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

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I got chills reading this latest post. I know, just as I know that I am a daughter of Sekhmet, that things have turned a corner for you. Cody's mother, sadly, is just a toxic person. You have been challenged by chaos, and have met the challenge. You have abundant blessings coming.

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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Post by smogie_michele »

Thank you. I truly feel as if we have made our way over the last of the big hurdles... everything else that comes our way will take some time to figure out, but will be nothing compared to this.
Living here has served its purpose... not the original "we can save money" purpose, but that doesn't matter too much to me. I the end, we saved our dogs life and learned to communicate better than we have ever before, which in the end is bringing us closer together. I have also learned that I don't need to "keep up with the Jones" as much as I need to be thankful for the abundant things that we already have- that in myself has made me a happier person.

I don't know what I would have done without all the wonderful people on the forum for the last six months. It has been a blessing to have you all.
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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

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For the first time in a while I have turned on my computer... been so busy.
19 days until we move... not that I am counting or anything.
So behind on school work... so behind on laundry...
Didn't do ANYTHING for Beltane.
I need a nap.
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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

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I took my youngest granddaughter to her classmate's birthday party, and caught up on my charting while she played. Then she went to a patient visit with me.

Snow
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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Post by smogie_michele »



Once again, I've been bad about writing here. I revamped my old word press and so far have been enjoying writing there... but honestly, I've just been busy.

Reading through all of my post, they are primarily about my pets and my living situation... I had originally wanted it to be about my spiritual path, but I think I just REALLY needed a safe place to vent for a little while. I wasn't doing well, it is kind of hard to be spiritual when all you want to do is cry and sleep and hug your dog. While I know we were lucky to have a roof over our head and to be able to give out pup the treatment she deserves, it was still harder than I could have ever imagined.
All of that is going to change soon enough, thankfully.

11 days until we move... I can't believe it is finally here and happening. I can finally take a nap on MY couch, I can shower in MY bathroom, I can make dinner in MY kitchen... I can set up my altar, have my books and journals laying out casually around my bedroom, work spells... I can walk down the hall to get to coffee without first needing to put on a bra. (that in itself is magical)

I've been working a lot and I'm about to start a new job, so please forgive me if I get bad at updating again... I don't mean it.

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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Post by SnowCat »

Sometimes venting is part of the spiritual path. When it's put into words, it's easier to see the concerns that are actually part and parcel of the path.

Snow
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