Falling in love with a ghost

[wildflower]

I have a very long and very convoluted story that would probably take a novel to explain. I've been trying to figure out how to tell it, so I'm just going to try to boil it down to the simplest parts.

1) Years ago, I had a premonition that a guy my age was going to die. At the time, I was thinking about fate and whether everything happens for a reason. I decided that I didn't have a right to interfere, so I ignored the premoniton and just let it play out naturally. Less than a week later, he was dead.

2) When I heard the news, I was horrified. It was the first time I had ever willfully ignored a premonition. I spent a few days beating myself down and feeling like a murderer, and I finally decided to do what I was supposed to do from the beginning, and I prayed for him. On some strange level, I connected with him, and I helped him cross over. He turned and looked at me, and he smiled, and then he was gone. I thought that was the end of it.

3) A couple of days later, the dreams started. Basically, he was trying to cheer me up, and help me work through my guilt and grief. He would kick my butt whenever I started to be self destructive, and I honestly don't think I would have made it through those years without him. We talked about life and death and everything in between, and he profoundly changed my life, on every level. It's like I wasn't even me before the dreams started. I never really figured out who I was until he helped me make sense of my life. He always pushed me to follow my dreams and live my life to the fullest. I've had an amazing life, mostly because of him.

4) Our connection grew over time. When I woke up in the morning, I'd feel his arms around me, and I'd feel his presence with me throughout the day. It didn't find it spooky at all. It was comforting, just knowing that he was looking out for me. I could talk to him in trance, and he told me details about his life that I never could have known. I'm usually not clairaudient, but when I was unknowingly walking into danger, he would freak out and yell into my ear, and it was so loud that I actually jumped. He's saved my life at least several times.

5) One day, I ran across a ouija board in storage, and I decided to try a little experiment. I closed my eyes and trailed my fingers across the board, so I couldn't cheat by seeing where the letters were. He took the opportunity to crack jokes about what a scary ghost he was, and said that the ouija board was giving him the heebie jeebies. He was always a goofball in my dreams, too. One time, I was going through a hard time, and I felt like I had nothing to look forward to in life. I decided to try the board and see if he had any advice for me. I never liked using the board, because I find it very tedious, and he always used such long words. But this time, I was getting gibberish. Then, I realized it was text speak. I never, ever text. He told me that if you get to the point where you want nothing more for yourself, then you should stop living for yourself, and start living for others, and dedicate your life to service. I thought that was really good advice, and something I really needed to hear.

6) As you can probably tell, I totally fell in love with him. I tried to resist it for so long, because the whole thing sounded completely insane. We had never even spoken to each other in life, and I thought he barely even noticed that I was alive, so why would he want to talk to me now? The more I loved him, the more guilty I felt for just letting him die, and I wasn't letting it go. He finally realized that he couldn't be there for me the way I needed him to be, and he tried to set me up with my childhood sweetheart. Even thought I felt loyal to both of them, my ghost was the one who had my heart, and I felt like I was cheating on him. In the end, it didn't work out, and I was just relieved that it was over.

7) I finally accepted that he had spoiled me completely, and that I was never going to settle for anyone else. I would never love another guy the way I loved him, and it was him or no one, whether he was real or not. I made up my mind to stay single for the rest of my life, and I was quite stubborn about it. Then, I had a vision of him holding out a wedding ring to me. Of course, I rolled my eyes and ignored it. But he didn't give up. The visions went on for months, of him showing me wedding rings in all sorts of ridiculous and amusing ways. Finally, one day I decided just to embrace my insanity, and accepted it. He was thrilled and wanted one from me, too, so I gave him one. I took it pretty lightly, and I just hoped it would make the stupid visions stop.

8) A few days after that, I had a new vision, of him holding out a present for me, with a hopeful smile on his face. It turned out to be a bombshell, that pretty much felt like a nuclear bomb had gone off in my brain. It was a hint about something that happened almost a dozen years earlier, when he was still very much alive. He had done something incredibly sweet and romantic for me, something that would have made most women swoon, but I had rejected him not once, but 4 times in a row, because I didn't understand what was going on. He was heartbroken, and convinced that I wanted nothing to do with him, so he decided to respect my wishes and left me alone. We went our separate ways, both of us going into a tailspin, because we needed each other. I found some peace through spirituality, but he kept struggling and eventually ended up dead. We could have spent our lives together, but I had ruined everything. It was all my fault.

I understand why he wanted to tell me. He hoped I'd be flattered to know what he'd done for me, and happy to finally understand why he was here. He thought if I was so stubborn as to choose to love a dead guy, then maybe I deserved to know the truth. But, I just feel traumatized. He's done so much for me, and all I've ever done is hurt him. I don't know how to cope with that. He helped me find his family in a city of 5 million people, just because he wanted me to meet them. He's broken the "rules" repeatedly, and told me how he was going to get into trouble for talking to me, but he had to make sure I was okay. I'm just as protective of him as he is of me, and it's just killing me to see how I let him down, over and over again.

I went through a really bad time where I cried almost every night for what we had lost. He would try to cheer me up, but his presence only made me feel worse, because I knew it wasn't supposed to be like this. The last straw was when I asked him if this was his revenge, to make me fall for a guy I could never have. That's when he realized he couldn't help me through this. He'd already done everything he could think of. So, he decided to leave, to give me some time to heal and find some peace again. In the 4 months after he left, I had two serious injuries, just because he wasn't there to protect me. I welcomed the pain, because I deserved all of it and more.

I just feel broken, and what makes it even harder is that I can't talk about it. The whole thing is straight out of the Twilight Zone, and non-practitioners could never comprehend it, much less give any advice. So, I came here. Do you have any advice for me? I can't see the situation clearly, because I'm too close to it, and the story is too complex for me to sort out my emotions. It's love and pain and grief and wonder and tragedy and miracles, all at the same time, and it just makes me dizzy. Everything is all tangled up.

I'm sorry this post is so long, but believe me, there is still so much that I left out. Thanks for at least giving me the chance to vent a little.

[Vendredi]

I am sorry for your loss. That sounds like a lot to deal with. I hope you can stop beating yourself up for what happened so long ago.

Practically speaking, you need to allow yourself time to heal and process everything as you would a break up, it seems. And it takes time, but many of us do eventually find ourselves ready to move on, ready to find love again.

We had never even spoken to each other in life, and I thought he barely even noticed that I was alive, so why would he want to talk to me now?

You go on to say:

It was a hint about something that happened almost a dozen years earlier, when he was still very much alive. He had done something incredibly sweet and romantic for me, something that would have made most women swoon, but I had rejected him not once, but 4 times in a row, because I didn't understand what was going on.

I don't think it's that you rejected him. How were you supposed to know he felt anything for you if you two never spoke?
I am not at all trying to diminish your feelings and what you've gone through, but I do think hindsight does funny things to our memories and perceptions. I also think it's easy for us to blame ourselves unfairly after all the cards are on the table, so to speak.

[wildflower]

Hi Vendredi,
Thanks for the reply. I'm sure you're right that I'm blaming myself unfairly. I always tried to do what was right, and I didn't knowingly reject him. I think that's why finding out the truth blindsided me so much. For all those years, I had no clue.

Part of the reason why this bothers me so much is that I haven't really found any meaning in it yet. We both tried to respect each other's wishes and do the right thing, but everything turned out all wrong. I just don't understand why. What am I supposed to be learning from this? I used to think that his death was Fate's way of bringing us together, but after seeing how close we came to being together in life, it really shook my faith. It felt like Fate had failed us, and this was merely plan b, and now life was forever broken and distorted.

One thing that I haven't been willing to consider is that, maybe this was Fate's intent all along, for him to be there to guide me as a spirit. If we had been together in life, I know what would have happened. I would have been content to be the wife by his side, giving him my love and support while he pursued his career. It would have been a nice life, but I wouldn't have learned much, and I wouldn't have left my comfort zone.

But now, we've swapped roles, and he's the one watching me take on the world, and cheering me on. He forced me out of my shell, and twisted my arm until I started living my life and chasing my dreams. Otherwise, I probably would have just sat at home and done nothing. He made me so much stronger and braver, and when he was by my side, I felt like I could do anything. Prince Charming didn't come to save the poor damsel in distress. Instead, he helped the damsel stand up and find her own strength, and become her own hero. That's actually quite extraordinary. No one else could have done that for me. But, it's still not okay to trade his life for mine. I'm not worth it. Whatever I've learned does not justify his death, and I'd give anything to have him back.

But honestly, what have I learned? Humility, certainly. I don't want any more power or responsibilities, because I've seen more than enough, and my ego has been thoroughly obliterated. I've learned a lot about the otherworld from him, and about what really matters in life once it's all over. He showed me true love and compassion, and it's changed the way I interact with others, too. I'm far less judgmental than I used to be, because I know no one has ever screwed up worse than I have. I'm sure there are many other things, but these are just a few off the top of my head.

Regret is a heavy burden to bear. Even though it seems crass and distasteful to me, maybe I do need to try to see the bright side. And I know he's okay. I realize my grief is for myself, and for the life we missed out on, and not for him. At the core, it's selfish, and maybe I need to get over it.

So much to think about. Thank you.

[nicola]

Perhaps sometimes we have to go through things simply for our experiences to be shared. Sadly I have no helpful advice for you, but your story has shed some light on a current situation of my own.

For as long as I can remember i've had extremely vivid dreams about guys, all of them always seemed like different people, different appearances, different places. But lately I have come to realise that the mannerisms are always the same, they always speak about the same things in the same yay and often in the same voice, it turns out they've all been the same guy. and although he distances himself slightly, I have grown strong feelings for him, he appears to me in my most troubled times, cheers me up and gives me advice that'll keep me safe in the coming days. Often I take in the safety advice and forget everything else he's said, but over the last few weeks he's appeared as my childhood crush, someone I have the capability to get in touch with but don't have the courage. The other night he started getting annoyed with me, told me he's been giving me advice on my current real life relationship for ages and I haven't been listening, told me to get myself together, work out what I really want and to contact him when i've made my decision.

The point of my telling you this is that I was going to ignore the dreams, brush them off as nothing but dreams, they're just wishful thinking.. But after hearing your story, now I know it's not something that should be ignored, I will be taking his advice a lot more seriously and hopefully apologising to him for not listening
So for this I thank you greatly for sharing your wonderful story and truly hope that you find happiness and remember that you don't have to stop remembering your ghost, you can live your life and be happy, it doesn't necessarily mean you're moving on, just that you're passing the time until you are called to the next life where maybe if you are meant to be together you can find him again
XxnicolaxX

[wildflower]

Hi nicola,
Thank you so much for sharing that with me! It's always reassuring to know that other people have gone through the same thing. I'm glad to hear that my experience might have helped you in some way.

I found it fascinating that your "friend" changed his appearance, because mine has done that, too. It was usually when I wasn't dealing with things particularly well, and he just wanted to check up on me without upsetting me. I always found it kind of annoying, though. It was like he was spying on me. I knew it was him, because he always had a very distinctive presence, but he usually tried to keep up the charade. So, one time I finally slapped him across the face, as hard as I could, just to get him to cut it out. His shocked reaction was so hilarious that I doubled over laughing, and I laughed myself awake! He teased me about that for a long time, too.

In the old days, he would do whatever it took to be there for me, even if it meant bending the rules. If he was forbidden from talking to me anymore, then he'd still be there, but just not say a word. We still got busted, though. He was pretty stubborn back then. In retrospect, I think he felt like he'd blown his chance once, so he wasn't going to make the same mistake again, no matter what. Now, after his bombshell broke my brain, he follows the rules to a T. Part of me misses the dreams, but even I have to admit that they were extremely painful. It was like he died again, every time I woke up. I guess that's why we do need a break, just to let some of my scars heal. I hope that when I'm strong enough to deal with it, he'll come back again. I actually do still dream about him occasionally, but it's not for social visits. In the last one I had, I found a couple of crocodiles in my yard, and they suddenly turned on me. Just as I started to panic, he stepped in and calmly said, "Okay, that's enough. Switch!" And the dream suddenly shifted, and there were no more crocodiles. He's always been there to stop my nightmares. I'm glad he still is.

I actually did have one dream about him while he was still alive. It was several years before he died. In the dream, I had just died, and he was the spirit who came to greet me and lead me into the afterlife. That dream always stuck with me, and after that, I always associated him with death and angels and ghosts. It was part of the reason why I ignored the premonition, because I thought my brain was just connecting back to this old dream. Now, I think it was very likely a premonition, telling me the end of our story before it even began. I have no doubt that he'll be there for me, when I get to the end of my road. Maybe this was just Fate's way of promising us a happy ending. I hope so.

[nicola]

Mine is the same, whenever dreams have started getting bad he's usually appeared as a vampire, whisking me away to a forest where we just sit and talk. He's only appeared as someone I've known in life the once and that was when he got fed up and had a go at me, he doesn't like my current relationship. He's told me that me and my partner are perfect for each other, but that he doesn't appreciate what he has and that we're holding each other back from the path's we're meant to be on (apparently we both have a big part to play in something huge that will happen to the world soon, he wasn't allowed to give details).
I think I saw him as himself once, he was beautiful, tall, blonde, and a lot more shy that he seemed in other forms, I woke up feeling like I had to fine him in reality but I've yet to see anyone like him.
Again probably not helpful but now I've started, I feel the need to share all haha xx

[Lord_of_Nightmares]

I would advise caution in dating someone who isn't a love, this means they belong in the other world. It doesn’t usually end well.

[wildflower]

Hi Lady Lilith,
He is in the otherworld. He's not earthbound. And I don't think I'd call it "dating." It's not like we go out to dinner and a movie! He's my guide and protector, and keeping me safe is part of his job.

I don't really think he's a plain vanilla ghost, either. Just to give an example, one night I had a pounding headache and I couldn't sleep. It felt like my head was splitting in two. I took painkillers, but they didn't help at all. Finally around 3 am, I decided to get up and go for a walk by moonlight, because I wasn't sleeping anyway. As I walked, I felt him beside him. We talked for a little bit, and then I whined about my head hurting. He told me to stop, because he wanted to try something. I watched as he put his hand into my head, and did... something, and less than 2 seconds later, my headache faded away completely. I was just stunned. It went from pounding agony to zero, in the space of a heartbeat. I asked him how he did that, and he just smiled at me. I don't think I've had a headache since then. I could be wrong, but I don't think most ghosts can do that.

I used to think he was allowed to help me, because "they" owed me. I have a job to do, and I screwed up, so they let him come back to help me, so my guilt wouldn't destroy me. I still believe that's true, but now I also understand why he wanted to come back. I won't lie to you, it has been incredibly painful. But, I also believe that where there's pain, there's growth, and I have grown exponentially because of this experience. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through, but somehow I was kind of prepared for it. The ghost stuff never bothered me at all. Ironically, the thing that sent me into a tizzy was not the paranormal stuff, but rather finding out what he'd done for me when he was alive. Go figure.

I've read that some people have spirit companions. In some cultures, shamans have spirit spouses. I think I recall Dion Fortune talking about it, too. So, it's not unheard of. I understand why you advised caution, though. It's not an easy path to take, and it could even be dangerous, if someone isn't strong and grounded enough to handle it. I got to the point where I couldn't handle it, and that's why he left, to give me time to heal and sort things out. I hope that when I'm feeling strong again, he'll come back, and I can continue to learn from him.

[Becks]

Hi Wildflower. What an interesting situation. I can't speak for Lady Lilith and what her meaning was, but to me it does also sound like like 'dating' the way you tell it. Your heading "Falling in love with a ghost" also paints that picture to me and all of the experiences and exchanges you share does sound like a conventional relationship as I understand them. I could be missing your meaning or misunderstanding however. It's an unusual situation? I suspect that Lilith was was eluding to the fact there's a reason to be cautious and think very carefully about the relationship. Not that he is bad or malicious, but that while you focus on a ghostly relationship it somewhat prohibits you from fully participating in, and experiencing, all of the beauty of Malkuth. We are on this plane for a reason, as slow and empty as it can seem, and our earthly experiences are very rich, and meant to be engaged in. That is what I gather from my passed on loved ones....I think that's why there are the 'rules'..from what my family tell me.

It sounds like you are on your path, and doing what you feel you must. If that's your choice then that's cool. I was just worried because you seemed to be overwhelmed by guilt, and feeling. That must be very hard.

[Lord_of_Nightmares]

Hi Wildflower. What an interesting situation. I can't speak for Lady Lilith and what her meaning was, but to me it does also sound like like 'dating' the way you tell it. Your heading "Falling in love with a ghost" also paints that picture to me and all of the experiences and exchanges you share does sound like a conventional relationship as I understand them. I could be missing your meaning or misunderstanding however. It's an unusual situation? I suspect that Lilith was was eluding to the fact there's a reason to be cautious and think very carefully about the relationship. Not that he is bad or malicious, but that while you focus on a ghostly relationship it somewhat prohibits you from fully participating in, and experiencing, all of the beauty of Malkuth. We are on this plane for a reason, as slow and empty as it can seem, and our earthly experiences are very rich, and meant to be engaged in. That is what I gather from my passed on loved ones....I think that's why there are the 'rules'..from what my family tell me.

It sounds like you are on your path, and doing what you feel you must. If that's your choice then that's cool. I was just worried because you seemed to be overwhelmed by guilt, and feeling. That must be very hard.

Pretty much.

Hi Lady Lilith,
He is in the otherworld. He's not earthbound. And I don't think I'd call it "dating." It's not like we go out to dinner and a movie! He's my guide and protector, and keeping me safe is part of his job.

By 'otherworldly', I mean, all dead people belong in this category. Some just have not passed on yet. This is one of the reasons it is difficult.

I don't really think he's a plain vanilla ghost, either. Just to give an example, one night I had a pounding headache and I couldn't sleep. It felt like my head was splitting in two. I took painkillers, but they didn't help at all. Finally around 3 am, I decided to get up and go for a walk by moonlight, because I wasn't sleeping anyway. As I walked, I felt him beside him. We talked for a little bit, and then I whined about my head hurting. He told me to stop, because he wanted to try something. I watched as he put his hand into my head, and did... something, and less than 2 seconds later, my headache faded away completely. I was just stunned. It went from pounding agony to zero, in the space of a heartbeat. I asked him how he did that, and he just smiled at me. I don't think I've had a headache since then. I could be wrong, but I don't think most ghosts can do that.

Can't say I am surprised. If they can harm you, why can't they do the opposite?

I used to think he was allowed to help me, because "they" owed me. I have a job to do, and I screwed up, so they let him come back to help me, so my guilt wouldn't destroy me. I still believe that's true, but now I also understand why he wanted to come back. I won't lie to you, it has been incredibly painful. But, I also believe that where there's pain, there's growth, and I have grown exponentially because of this experience. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through, but somehow I was kind of prepared for it. The ghost stuff never bothered me at all. Ironically, the thing that sent me into a tizzy was not the paranormal stuff, but rather finding out what he'd done for me when he was alive. Go figure.

How have you confirmed this besides being told about it?

I've read that some people have spirit companions. In some cultures, shamans have spirit spouses. I think I recall Dion Fortune talking about it, too. So, it's not unheard of. I understand why you advised caution, though. It's not an easy path to take, and it could even be dangerous, if someone isn't strong and grounded enough to handle it. I got to the point where I couldn't handle it, and that's why he left, to give me time to heal and sort things out. I hope that when I'm feeling strong again, he'll come back, and I can continue to learn from him.

There are also cultures where they marry gods, but this is a wholly different requirement than just marrying a spirit. There is more involved. For example, those that marry these gods usually have a ton of priestly duties to attend to and they do not live normally. The spirit thing is probably similar, as the spirit is somehow connected to the divine, rather just being a normal dead person, and marrying them has benefits. Also, back in old days with customs such as these, people didn't get married for love, which extends to "marrying" spirits. Marrying for love, is a new thing from the modern world. (Not even including other variables such as gay marriage or polygamy.) So, both the spirit and the person married would have something to gain from the union, which may not be romantic love. These are just some of the reasons there has to be a lot of caution.

Anyway, I would take what Fortune says matter-of-factly, with a grain of salt. She is not known for her "accuracy" when it comes to facts.

[wildflower]

Hi Becks,
I guess whether or not to call it "dating" is a matter of semantics. To me, dating is when you're just getting to know someone. I suppose the early dream phase could qualify, but that's not where we're at now. There's a deep spiritual bond between us, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if there were some past life connections, too.

He has never prevented me from enjoying life. Quite the opposite, in fact. He wants me to live for both of us, to have an epic life and follow my dreams, and enjoy every sunset. Especially in the early days, it felt like heaven and earth had collided, and the entire world was enchanted. It was the most magical time of my life.

Then, I found out the truth, and my world shattered. My poor little mortal brain couldn't handle it. You're right that I'm overwhelmed by guilt and regret, but I also think that's something I need to go through. In the years before he died, I struggled with arrogance and egotism. Now, my ego has been completely obliterated, which I suppose is a good thing. Now, I just need to build myself back up again, based on the spirit instead of the ego.

Life can be horrible and traumatic, but I still think there's a reason for everything. As mortals, we can be so myopic, and fail to see the big picture. But, sometimes we can't deal with the big picture, either. I guess all any of us can do is trust in Spirit and follow our own paths, and try to gain wisdom from our mistakes. I've certainly got a lot of material to learn from.

[wildflower]

Hi Lady Lilith,

How have you confirmed this besides being told about it?

I'm not sure what you're referring to. Are you talking about his "present?" He actually didn't tell me anything. All he did was give me a tiny hint, but it was enough to help me finally put all the pieces together. In retrospect, I feel so stupid that I didn't figure it out earlier, because it seems so obvious now. Unfortunately, at the time, it didn't match my expectations and it was just one misunderstanding after another, so I completely misinterpreted everything. It just breaks my heart to see how close we came.

The spirit thing is probably similar, as the spirit is somehow connected to the divine, rather just being a normal dead person, and marrying them has benefits. Also, back in old days with customs such as these, people didn't get married for love, which extends to "marrying" spirits. Marrying for love, is a new thing from the modern world. (Not even including other variables such as gay marriage or polygamy.) So, both the spirit and the person married would have something to gain from the union, which may not be romantic love. These are just some of the reasons there has to be a lot of caution.

Well, I'm certainly not in it for power. Trust me, I don't need any more burdens to bear. If he wanted anything from me, I'd give it to him, no questions asked. We do merge auras, like touching souls, and if there was any darkness in him, I'd see it. The night after I found out the truth, I was absolutely reeling, and that was the only way I could finally fall asleep. His presence is always like tingling euphoric bliss, and I find it very soothing.

In my view, the only danger is whether or not my puny mortal brain can deal with everything. He has broken the rules, but it's only because he's stubborn as hell and doesn't like to see me struggling. I think he's learned his lesson, though. I don't need any more bombshells for a while.

[SnowCat]

Some years ago, I encountered a ghost from a past life. I was involved with someone who was a disaster in every sense of the word. The ghost, Beth, was trying to warn me away from this individual. The three of us had spent a lifetime in 15th century Ireland. He betrayed all of us to the English, and we all died. That wasn't how he had planned it. That's how it ended. At least this time I survived.

My only advice is to be careful. It's an unusual situation. Relationships when you're sharing a plane of existence are tricky. I wish you both the best.

Snow

[Vendredi]

I used to think he was allowed to help me, because "they" owed me. I have a job to do, and I screwed up, so they let him come back to help me, so my guilt wouldn't destroy me. I still believe that's true, but now I also understand why he wanted to come back. I won't lie to you, it has been incredibly painful. But, I also believe that where there's pain, there's growth, and I have grown exponentially because of this experience. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through, but somehow I was kind of prepared for it. The ghost stuff never bothered me at all. Ironically, the thing that sent me into a tizzy was not the paranormal stuff, but rather finding out what he'd done for me when he was alive. Go figure.

How have you confirmed this besides being told about it?

Reading through the thread, I think this is what Lady Lilith was referring to.

I feel that you really need to let go of your guilt. It won't change anything; all you can do is learn whatever lessons you need to from this experience. What could those be? Listening to your instincts? Accepting that life is dynamic and ever changing? That you tend to hold yourself responsible unfairly? I don't know. Those are just possibilities that I see from where I sit, and from what I have learned throughout my life.

I also think that, while it's great that he has pushed you to grow in ways that you otherwise wouldn't have, it's very important to learn to do that for yourself. I urge you to keep living your amazing life. Be your own motivator.

[wildflower]

Hi Vendredi,
I know I should let go of my guilt. He's tried to convince me of that ever since the very first dream. The problem is that I know I'm guilty, and no amount of rationalizing can change that. He's argued that he had free will and made his own choices in life, and it had nothing to do with me. But, the reality is that didn't do my job, and so I hold myself responsible. Guilt is part of my penance. Ego death is a side effect. And I think service would be a far more constructive way of paying for my debts, rather than just torturing myself. It may be the only way to get myself out of this mess.

Right now, I'm in the middle of the Amazon rainforest. I've traveled to every continent, jumped out of airplanes, climbed mountains, played with monkeys, swam with dolphins. But I just feel numb. I'm not sure that denying my guilt is the answer. I can't run away from it, and god knows I've tried. Maybe I need to embrace it, and use it as a catalyst to give something back to the world. Pay it forward and all that. I don't know

Thanks for the advice, though.