I hope that this thread does not offend anyone but I feel that I have to just get this out. Only a few people in my life know about what a son of a bitch my father was. I know most of you do not believe in Hell but I sometimes wish that Hell does exist. My father would surely be there.
He was a mean man. He hated everybody...trusted no one. He was verbally and physically abusive to my whole family and the drunken tirades were endless. To him, we were all a bunch of ingrates who owed him everything. He couldn't even manage to die without yelling at me.
I wonder, Is there any law that states that you MUST love your parents??
I could go on and on with endless stories about the abuse but I will not bore you with the gory details.
Has anyone been experiencing this or are going through this?
Are these thoughts of hatred making me a very bad person?
Trust me when I tell you that my sisters and I wear all of the battlescars.
This is something that I have really not discussed with anyone in detail outside my family, except for a chosen few. I have always been too ashamed to admit my feelings of hatred out in the open.
While taking care of my mother I stared every day at the box in her closet that contains his ashes. I had this overwhelming desire to pack him up and bring him to Chile and dump him into the Pacific Ocean and shout "Suprise, you son of a bitch!!!"
Tears come to my eyes now. I don't know if I should post this or not.
I just felt that I could tell YOU. I feel that you, of all people, will have to understand some of this.
No one should come into this world under these conditions. You need a license to drive, fish, hunt or get married....but any asshole can be a parent.
Again, ( and here comes the inferiority complex kicking in ) I hope I have not offended anyone. You see, when conflict arises I still run and hide.
And now that I have bared myself in public, ( sighs ) time to push Submit.
This may be sticky but I have to come clean....
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[aphrodite]
- Posts: 262
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- Location: catterick garrison, North yorks, uk
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[Kristin]
- Posts: 83
- Joined: Sat Dec 31, 2005 7:58 am
- Gender: Female
- Location: Iquique, Chile South America
Thanks
Thanks for that Aphrodite.
Now let me come even cleaner....there is more to this and one member of this forum knows just how pathetic I was. This came out in another forum but you should know.
When my husband left me for another woman back in 2002, I went off in all different directions and landed up pretty much nuts. I completely denied that this was possible. No, no this is not happening to me!
I searched the internet and found a site.... I actually paid money to a fraud to bring back my husband. Get that one! I believed that this was actually and truly possible. How sick is that.
Thank the Gods I ended up here. I know better now.
I was one desperate excuse for a human being. Oh, the mistakes we make in our lives. But, then I found you all. You have no idea what a difference your opinions and beliefs have made in my life.
Now let me come even cleaner....there is more to this and one member of this forum knows just how pathetic I was. This came out in another forum but you should know.
When my husband left me for another woman back in 2002, I went off in all different directions and landed up pretty much nuts. I completely denied that this was possible. No, no this is not happening to me!
I searched the internet and found a site.... I actually paid money to a fraud to bring back my husband. Get that one! I believed that this was actually and truly possible. How sick is that.
Thank the Gods I ended up here. I know better now.
I was one desperate excuse for a human being. Oh, the mistakes we make in our lives. But, then I found you all. You have no idea what a difference your opinions and beliefs have made in my life.
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Doe
Kristin,,your words are very strong and I can feel your pain and anguish.It brings back memories of my own life with my parents and the crap I went thru with them.They were'nt physically abusive but very controlling and verbal.
I'm not one to give advice normally about life and love,afraid that what might work for me would have a bad outcome for someone else.
I will say this,when things would get to a point that the pain or anger was beyond words for me I would write .Write about what I was upset about,who I was mad at,how pissed at myself for letting someone make me feel so angry and hurt,,,,,,just everything and anything till I ran out of words.
This may not work for you but you need to find a way to deal with your feelings so they dont make you bitter for the rest of your life.You cant change the past i can tell you this,,Time does have a way of helping us deal.
And no,your not a bad person for your feelings of hate,even if it is you father.
I'll be thinking of you,
Doe
I'm not one to give advice normally about life and love,afraid that what might work for me would have a bad outcome for someone else.
I will say this,when things would get to a point that the pain or anger was beyond words for me I would write .Write about what I was upset about,who I was mad at,how pissed at myself for letting someone make me feel so angry and hurt,,,,,,just everything and anything till I ran out of words.
This may not work for you but you need to find a way to deal with your feelings so they dont make you bitter for the rest of your life.You cant change the past i can tell you this,,Time does have a way of helping us deal.
And no,your not a bad person for your feelings of hate,even if it is you father.
I'll be thinking of you,
Doe
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[Star In Love]
First I'd like to say that you are not a bad person, for the hate that you hold. It would be better for you to let it go, but it doesn't make you a bad person. It is just an emotion. It is good that you are not holding it in, but letting it out and talking about it, that will help the negitive feelings to go away. What you don't want to do is project this into your children or your life anymore. Mastakes are common, learning from then is the hard part, but learn you have, and you can be proud of yourself for that. Very Proud, I see many people go through life and have many lessons sat before them, but they do not learn, so back they come, to try again.
As for hell, there is a kind of hell, it's right here on earth. Some people are doomed to stay here without spirit growth, until they learn, and some never learn, so they live hateful, unhappy lives over and over and over. Karma will come back on your father, there is no stopping that. And it is passed on to the next life, so he may be in Hell, so to speak. What you can do is go forward with your life, that is the best revenge you can give to someone, is to live a healthy, happy life without them... It's hard at first, but it gets easier as time goes on. You can stop the genetic progress of this from passing to your children, and change the generations of the future, by not letting it get into your life.
You are a brave girl, coming on line and posting this post, and it is the first step for you to start letting it go. Forgiveness isn't really for the person who did us harm, but for us, to let go and move on. I'm not saying you can forgive your father, but try and forgive yourself, feeling hate for him is normal, and ok. Just don't let it control your life.
We do pick our parents before we come in, perhaps if you search really deep, you can find what lessons where their for you, even in bad times, there are good lessons.....
Hang tight, and ask your spirit helpers for guildence, then watch for it to come. And again, do not think you are bad, because of the things you feel, they are just emotions, and one of the reasons that we incarnate on Earth, is to experience and feel emotions. Even "bad" ones.
May your day today be better than yesterday and may your tomorrow be better than today.... Love and Light to you and yours... Star
As for hell, there is a kind of hell, it's right here on earth. Some people are doomed to stay here without spirit growth, until they learn, and some never learn, so they live hateful, unhappy lives over and over and over. Karma will come back on your father, there is no stopping that. And it is passed on to the next life, so he may be in Hell, so to speak. What you can do is go forward with your life, that is the best revenge you can give to someone, is to live a healthy, happy life without them... It's hard at first, but it gets easier as time goes on. You can stop the genetic progress of this from passing to your children, and change the generations of the future, by not letting it get into your life.
You are a brave girl, coming on line and posting this post, and it is the first step for you to start letting it go. Forgiveness isn't really for the person who did us harm, but for us, to let go and move on. I'm not saying you can forgive your father, but try and forgive yourself, feeling hate for him is normal, and ok. Just don't let it control your life.
We do pick our parents before we come in, perhaps if you search really deep, you can find what lessons where their for you, even in bad times, there are good lessons.....
Hang tight, and ask your spirit helpers for guildence, then watch for it to come. And again, do not think you are bad, because of the things you feel, they are just emotions, and one of the reasons that we incarnate on Earth, is to experience and feel emotions. Even "bad" ones.
May your day today be better than yesterday and may your tomorrow be better than today.... Love and Light to you and yours... Star
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[aphrodite]
- Posts: 262
- Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2005 4:40 pm
- Gender: Female
- Location: catterick garrison, North yorks, uk
It's strange how similar our lives have been. My ex-husband left me for someone else when Abbey was 2 and 1/2 and Justin was just 4 weeks old back in 2004. So I know how you feel. Things do get better with time, but the scaring in your heart will always be there all you can do is move on. Like me you have to try and look at the positive things rather than the bad. Doe is right I wrote all my feelings down, everything that had happened and yes it does work, I felt so much better afterwards.
blessed be
APHRODITE
XXX
blessed be
APHRODITE
XXX
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N.R. Naiacinaed
- Posts: 106
- Joined: Tue Apr 18, 2006 5:17 pm
- Gender: Female
- Location: Arizona
- Contact:
You are not a bad person for the feelings you have. I believe it's perfectly normal...Seeing how your father was and such. From what I've read of your posts, you're a very kindhearted person. To come here and bare your soul...It takes courage. I admire you for that, Kristin. I truly hope to get to know you. You seem like a wonderful person. =) Thank you for sharing with us. Take care, dear.
~*Ashley*~
~*Ashley*~
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slagy
As everyone has said it takes courage for people to admit even to part of it and you went all out! your a very couragous person. Also now if anyone from this forum talked to you knowing that you were able to let all that out would help them feel more comfortable telling you things about their lives and themselves!
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[Kristin]
- Posts: 83
- Joined: Sat Dec 31, 2005 7:58 am
- Gender: Female
- Location: Iquique, Chile South America
Thanks for the support
You are all very kind people.
What I have chosen to do with all of this is to flip it into a positive situation. I have been given many people and great experiences in my life and I choose to treasure all of that instead of placing any more blame.
I will not go that route because I choose not to.
I have 2 wonderful children. I love them and I am very proud of them.
When it gets down to basics, no one has a free ticket in this lifetime.
I guess the only other thing I can offer is a broad shoulder to those who need to rest a weary head when times are rough and a listening ear that promises to hear.
What I have chosen to do with all of this is to flip it into a positive situation. I have been given many people and great experiences in my life and I choose to treasure all of that instead of placing any more blame.
I will not go that route because I choose not to.
I have 2 wonderful children. I love them and I am very proud of them.
When it gets down to basics, no one has a free ticket in this lifetime.
I guess the only other thing I can offer is a broad shoulder to those who need to rest a weary head when times are rough and a listening ear that promises to hear.
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N.R. Naiacinaed
- Posts: 106
- Joined: Tue Apr 18, 2006 5:17 pm
- Gender: Female
- Location: Arizona
- Contact:
I think you're very very brave to confront your feelings! A lot of people would hide them away which I'm sure you know doesnt work for too long.
You're a very strong person, you need to be proud of yourself
You're a very strong person, you need to be proud of yourself
[url=http://www.internationalgathering.blogspot.com]~ Sometimes I just cant shut up... ~[/url]
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Ravenari
- Posts: 55
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I wonder, Is there any law that states that you MUST love your parents??
Nope.
Has anyone been experiencing this or are going through this?
Yes. You are not alone in disliking your family, and you're certainly not the only one who has ever been abused (verbally, physically etc.) at the hands of a father or father in law. It is important to remember that despite how lonely you might feel, you are not actually alone. There are many people out there who relate to what you have been through, and who are stronger people because of having been through it.
Are these thoughts of hatred making me a very bad person?
Nope. All emotions are natural. Hatred can make us feel bad, because we are told in our society that hate is a 'bad' thing. But hate can be very cathartic, it can make us aware that something wrong was done to us, and can help us understand that we are not permanently damaged, nor are we any less beautiful because of these things.
Hatred eventually gives way to other emotions, which are all cleansing in their own way. And it's important that you let go of it when you're ready (the hatred), but in the meantime, your expression of it does not make you the slightest bit 'bad.'
One day you will realise that you are as capable of giving yourself good advice and comfort as everyone else, and reclaim your personal power. It is always wonderful to have broad shoulders to lean on, but it is even more wonderful when you know that you also have your own shoulder to lean on.
Nope.
Has anyone been experiencing this or are going through this?
Yes. You are not alone in disliking your family, and you're certainly not the only one who has ever been abused (verbally, physically etc.) at the hands of a father or father in law. It is important to remember that despite how lonely you might feel, you are not actually alone. There are many people out there who relate to what you have been through, and who are stronger people because of having been through it.
Are these thoughts of hatred making me a very bad person?
Nope. All emotions are natural. Hatred can make us feel bad, because we are told in our society that hate is a 'bad' thing. But hate can be very cathartic, it can make us aware that something wrong was done to us, and can help us understand that we are not permanently damaged, nor are we any less beautiful because of these things.
Hatred eventually gives way to other emotions, which are all cleansing in their own way. And it's important that you let go of it when you're ready (the hatred), but in the meantime, your expression of it does not make you the slightest bit 'bad.'
One day you will realise that you are as capable of giving yourself good advice and comfort as everyone else, and reclaim your personal power. It is always wonderful to have broad shoulders to lean on, but it is even more wonderful when you know that you also have your own shoulder to lean on.