So Gemma :
I did not answer until now, because (please don't take this "wrong") I am not a "lightweight" person when it comes to dragon energy and magic, and your description somehow seemed too ...hmmm..."fuu - fuu".
Please forgive me.
Yet, I just "heard" something from my spirit guides, who told me to check the code. Sure enough, the answer was there.
So, one of our arrangements of symbols, that is our tree of eleven dimensions, adds to 1495. Top two pairs of symbols for those top two dimensions, plus the value of the bottom two pairs, equals 803.
Dream Of Black Dragon = 803
That leaves over the center of the tree. Seven pairs of symbols l, equaling 692 which equals *many* words and phrases, but with your last statement, about being desperate, it gives me the main information needed. You need to do an "integration ritual."
With yourself, and the "Powers That Be."
Integration Ritual = 692
Powers That Be = 692
The easiest way of doing this is to center oneself, fully grounded (very important) on the earth in a grove, or sacred place on earth near you. Then, as that is your center (and portal), connect to your six directions, surrounding, up, down, right, left, back, forth. There are many rituals from many traditions for this. If you focus on the ***need*** to connect that can keep things away. Focus instead on your balance in the universe, and your connection to the Powers That Be. That will help.
Chop wood, carry water, as is said. Stay grounded. Most important, as dragon energy is like 440, most people, including you,have run on, or most still do, on 110 current. Think of what happens when a machine is plugged into 440 current, without proper grounding. So, you are being held back until you properly prepare.
It will take time. Do not think tomorrow or the next day.
After initial contact, it is like any initiation. That is *only* the *beginning* of a very long process of integration. Work at that. Then, when you are ready, the Powers That Be, will know.
In the meantime, for reading, look up Welsh Black Dragon.