Red moon shrouded into black clouds, everynight adventures
Posted: Thu Sep 21, 2017 4:06 am
About a time to start the dream journal. My choice to start this whole journal is to get past those damn unexplainable and vague fears that prevent me from making my life more fulfilling.
Last... well, it wasn't night any longer but morning. I've noticed myself requiring so much more sleep during how long the therapy has lasted, kind of trying to figure my inner prison out and heal the roots. Once again I found myself in that familiar scenario of war hitting my country. I've never lived anywhere close to a battlefield unless on emotional level younghood experiences of bullying count. This wasn't about bullying though, but real political ones, at least how those wars are in my dreams. Back in my younhood I used to have dreams of my home city and family home being ravaged by war, becoming like ghost towns. If I had a family of animals, they were killed regardless of my actions trying to protect them. If I yelled my parents for help (like a helpless child I felt), I had to realize they aren't there nor they are ever coming. In the end I always died too, that's how I woke up.
Sometimes the parents were there and we still lived together, as if packing our stuff up in order to escape a storm (or war) that'd hit our homes... there are no such big storms in my country, but in dreams all that follows the reality we know seems to be just for looks, not for what'd happen.
Now in the recent dream the home wasn't any longer where we physically lived. There was some political conflict though that was at brink of escalating into a war. I was worried sick about the family dogs, trying to keep them together just so I could catch them anytime we'd have to leave while parents would just let them play even if they'd run off. I followed what was happening in the city we were living in, the weather was cloudy and getting more rainy. There were lots of workmen, police and few soldiers on the streets, although nobody would admit it, I could sense they were preparing for a war. Since I wouldn't be able to become a soldier and fight like them, the best option was to flee. I tried making my parents to listen, even convince them to make a back-up plan where we'd go if the war would happen, but they just dismissed me.
In the dream I was a grown up I am today, but once again felt like a little child trapped in an adult body. With no resources to leave on my own but wanting to save myself. Being like an emotional hostage, as if I should always be their codependent little child and not have permission to live my own life. Feels bull****, being equal to them legally as it is in North Europe but emotionally being on the level of what women are in Africa or India at worst. While in normal daily interaction I would have exploded and rebelled at them, in the dream I just kept trying. When I stepped into the car my dad was driving, again I tried convincing him, all I got was a vague but witty answer that he'd consider it. Mom was coming behind us on her own car. I don't remember where we were headed but guess, once again, home to run that normal daily routine.
I gotta admit, during few recent days I have tried to resolve my insecurities about taking charge of my life and making choices that would matter in long term instead of wasting time on things that wouldn't. At least I know what's the trap within my subconscious. Now I just gotta convince myself to believe I have the power to disassemble it without disatrous outcomes.
Last... well, it wasn't night any longer but morning. I've noticed myself requiring so much more sleep during how long the therapy has lasted, kind of trying to figure my inner prison out and heal the roots. Once again I found myself in that familiar scenario of war hitting my country. I've never lived anywhere close to a battlefield unless on emotional level younghood experiences of bullying count. This wasn't about bullying though, but real political ones, at least how those wars are in my dreams. Back in my younhood I used to have dreams of my home city and family home being ravaged by war, becoming like ghost towns. If I had a family of animals, they were killed regardless of my actions trying to protect them. If I yelled my parents for help (like a helpless child I felt), I had to realize they aren't there nor they are ever coming. In the end I always died too, that's how I woke up.
Sometimes the parents were there and we still lived together, as if packing our stuff up in order to escape a storm (or war) that'd hit our homes... there are no such big storms in my country, but in dreams all that follows the reality we know seems to be just for looks, not for what'd happen.
Now in the recent dream the home wasn't any longer where we physically lived. There was some political conflict though that was at brink of escalating into a war. I was worried sick about the family dogs, trying to keep them together just so I could catch them anytime we'd have to leave while parents would just let them play even if they'd run off. I followed what was happening in the city we were living in, the weather was cloudy and getting more rainy. There were lots of workmen, police and few soldiers on the streets, although nobody would admit it, I could sense they were preparing for a war. Since I wouldn't be able to become a soldier and fight like them, the best option was to flee. I tried making my parents to listen, even convince them to make a back-up plan where we'd go if the war would happen, but they just dismissed me.
In the dream I was a grown up I am today, but once again felt like a little child trapped in an adult body. With no resources to leave on my own but wanting to save myself. Being like an emotional hostage, as if I should always be their codependent little child and not have permission to live my own life. Feels bull****, being equal to them legally as it is in North Europe but emotionally being on the level of what women are in Africa or India at worst. While in normal daily interaction I would have exploded and rebelled at them, in the dream I just kept trying. When I stepped into the car my dad was driving, again I tried convincing him, all I got was a vague but witty answer that he'd consider it. Mom was coming behind us on her own car. I don't remember where we were headed but guess, once again, home to run that normal daily routine.
I gotta admit, during few recent days I have tried to resolve my insecurities about taking charge of my life and making choices that would matter in long term instead of wasting time on things that wouldn't. At least I know what's the trap within my subconscious. Now I just gotta convince myself to believe I have the power to disassemble it without disatrous outcomes.