Difficult funeral

[Shadowflame]

An old classmate of mine died a couple of weeks ago. It's always sad when people die at a young age, she was only 22, sadder still is that she was a drug adict, but had been clean for 4 years, got her jr. college diploma and was going off to university, finally living her life to the fullest and enjoying every moment of it. Anyways... she picked on me for 3 years in school and she felt terrible about it, poor girl, because I don't even remember it. By the time she started in our school I had already been picked on for 7 years by everybody else so what's the diff? She was in the same clique as me, before starting in our school though, so I knew her good side too.

What really bothers me is that now they're investigating her death as a murder and I wasn't even able to cry at the funeral. It sounds really hippocratic to say I don't remember her bein mean to me but I didn't even shed a tear at her funeral, and I know some people saw it like that, but let me just say that I wanted to. She was a wonderful person and she didn't diserve to go like that. I have however always had trouble greiving at funerals when the person who should be lying peaceful in the coffin is standing in the middle of the church, and of course I can't really explain this to anybody.

Any comments?

[[aphrodite]]

Oh sweetheart I am sorry about your friend, I lost a friend when I was 17, she was murdered, she was only 15 at the time. I have her on video at a horse show from when we were abit younger, I watch it from time to time.

She was killed by someone who knew her, he's currently in prison he got 15 years, which isn't much considering what he did to her.
You will grieve when your ready.

I'm here for you, ANYTIME.


Blessed be
Aphrodite
XXX

[jcrowfoot]

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Sometimes, you just can't cry at a funeral. Some people need privacy to grieve, and that is OK. Trust me. My father died and neither my brother or I cried at his funeral, though we both loved him dearly. My brother took years before he could grieve. He's not a bad person, he just takes it differently than some, and that's not bad.

The thing is, funerals can be very political affairs. So your mind is consumed either with still being stunned from impact of that person not being around anymore, or you are so distracted with all the personal implications of the politics of death that you don't feel what's going on inside. This is mostly because you either don't feel safe, or your body has dictated that you are better off paying attention to the politics.

My best advice is to not pretend that you are feeling something different than you do. Give yourself some private time to let your feelings out without judgment. Laugh, Rage, whatever it might be. Even laughing about a friend who was killed is not a bad feeling, sometimes life can feel like a cruel joke, and so you laugh. What ever those feelings are, you will feel better to let them come out in their own time. Remember that feelings are not rational, and that they are an ocean that you ride rather than a machine that you direct. You will probably go through the gamut of feelings about this whole thing. Just be honest with yourself, and kind, too. You are your own harshest judge.

[Shadowflame]

It's not the fact that I couldn't cry at the funeral, I cried when I first heard about it, it's the reason for why I couldn't cry. Seeing her standing there.... that's what gets me every time, every funeral I go to.

Ok. So I haven't been to a funeral since my gran died but that was the same, only thing is that then I was six years younger and it didn't touch me the same way seeing her there.

[Elem]

I'm terribly sorry to hear of your loss, and I think I understand why Jcrowfoot may have misunderstood your post with regards to the crying.. I almost did myself, until you posted again, sorry.

Just to check I'm right this time.. You say you see them standing there, rather than laying in the coffin - you mean you see their spirit, standing in the middle of the church.. Right? That's also why you can't explain it to anyone.. Because they wouldn't understand?

Either way, as i say, I'm sorry to hear you lost your friend. I hope you're okay, and that the investigation surrounding your friend's death doesn't cause undue distress to both yourself and her family / other friends.

Elem

[Shadowflame]

You're right, it was rather confusing when my gran died and the coffin was open... why was she in two places at once?

But as I said, Susie wasn't really my friend anymore, which doesn't really help me realize what I'm feeling or what I should be feeling...

[Revolpathon]

sorry to drag up an old topic but

i have the same thing (except seeing ghosts or spirit's) i was also picked on only for a few more years then you.

i've got a question for you for self reflection, do you still have a normal range of emotions in normal life (i mean all of them).

when my grandpa died a few years back i couldn't cry either in fact i didn't feel any different, not to sound disrespecfull but it was like any normal sunday with the chruch thing only the graveyard thing was a new expierence but all i could do was stand there and pretend to feel something just to keep up appearance's. i've never had the shock or anything.

oh and i was close with him.

[jcrowfoot]

Well, I have to say I belong to the "I see dead people" club, too. I didn't see my dad at the funeral, saw him the night he died, riding an escalator into heaven. It's a horrible stereotype, but it was there, just the same. I don't know why my grandfather had to walk and my dad had the fast track, but who knows.

People who die suddenly seem more likely to show up, in my experience. A friend of mine who suescided kept showing up even months after he was gone, whereas I just watched my father leave this plane, and he was gone for good.

[treneay]

my husbands brother.he was the second youngest in the family.only 45 years old.he died a horrible death .will not say because it makes my skin crawl anyway.i felt really bad because he won't be able to see his 1st granddaughter grow up.the weird thing about it is he would always laugh all the time and really was the light of the family.But i could sense really strongly that he was miserable.And his own family didn't.He did try to overcome his drinking thou but never really could.he had been going to aa and received 1 coin the earn for not drinking.He also had been havinng problems in his marriage.Which i know who could of found someone way better.I think he felt guilty and depressed over the whole thing and just kept running into that brick wall.I just hope he is at peace.But sometimes i feel that he has been spiritually hanging out for the last 3 weeks.i can be on here and feel like someone he running there finger up my arm or poking me at times when i home alone during the day.it does not scare me.He's always been a practical joker.It was just 2 days after thanks giving last year when he passed away though.almost a year.still feels strange and so new.

[Revolpathon]

maybe you could try to to summon/invite him to get closure of some kind.
i'm no expert in fact i don't know really how to go about this, but you could also try to meditate on him or use an ouija board (do watch out with this one).

or maybe he want's to be your spirit guide?

[Shadowflame]

Thanks, I don't think she was there specifically for me though, she was just there.

And as for ouija boards.... wouldn't dream of it.

[Jovi1]

Not grieving at a funeral isn't really anyhting to be worried over. I hardly ever express any kind of grief when someone I knew passes, for me it is because I accepted long ago the natural outcome of life is death. It doesn't mean I don't miss the person, nor is it a reflection of how I felt about them just that it comes for us all, is it tragic at times certainly but inevitable nonetheless. Guess im just a hard person that way but the advantage is I get to be strong for those who need it.

[Wolf Heart]

I've always been told that people grieve in their own way and I know this to be true. When my Grandmother died I remember waking up and my parents sitting at the kitchen table. They sat me down and explained to me she had passed away in the night and offered for me to stay home from school that day if I needed. I think my whole body and mind just kind of shut down. I told them no that I'd be just fine and went to school as normal. Halfway through the day it finally sunk in and I had to go home, I didn't cry even then. It wasn't until I was in my room alone listening to music that I broke down and cried, even then it wasn't a full on grieve, more of "this is what I'm suppose to do" kind of thing.
It wasn't until about three years later that I really broke down and was finally able to grieve over her. I still get sad every now and then when I think about her, but I take comfort in the fact that I know she'd be proud of who I became.

As for "seeing" your friend I personally haven't had this happen to me. I think this might just be because any family member I've had that passed away didn't stick around, they passed right on.

Blessed Be,
Wolf Heart

[[EarthWitch]]

Maybe a solitary ritual of your own to let her go and let go of your feelings might be helpful. A time for reflection and meditation on your relationship and the feelings that you have inside. Just something to clear yourself and make peace with the situation.