any links to help batteres rehab ?

Post by **[echolady]** » Fri Sep 28, 2007 5:40 am

was wondering if anybody had any links for rehabilitation counseling for batterers? I have found plenty for victums but not for batterers. I 'm going to call the national domestic violence hotline, but would appreciate some links as well as i want options for programs.

he has agreed to go into one, I do not exspect this to change him. I do not exspect it to do much but muy me some time. I also exspect that if my research is correct, the counselors will be in contact with me as well. They are supposed to discuss with me his issues and make sure he is telling the truth, they are also supposed to make sure things have not gotten worse due to the program ( like him throwing the fact that he's in a program around to get his way or further abuse). Iam hoping that I can get in contact with one of his counselors and explaine that I need help that I cannot find, that I need them to help him with coping skill because i am done. I need him to be able to handle me walking away or I need the resources to do so.
I urge everyone wether they are touched or not to take a stand, to say enough is enough! We will no longer put up with a system that humans to be tortured! I am demanding education to our youths and sentancing that actually makes jail happen. It seems that a woman has to be beaten half to death before her abuser will do more than a week! at thats if she can convence the police the bruises on the abuser were defensive! In my area it is pretty much standard policy that both people go to jail if the police are called on demstic violence! what a crock! I mean sure the judge might sort it out after the battered woman has spent a few scared lonely weeks in jail, all it does is teach her next time to not call the police. and there will be a next time considering her and her abuser at most will get our days apart.
I know of someone that is on his thrid dv offense, he is looking at 3 months in jail and a year of probation. 3 months in jail will quickly get cut down 2.5 or less months with good behavior. probation will get dropped if he follows it before a year is up. So in our country u can beat the hell out of your GF/wife 3 times and do less than 3 months jail time, less than a year of probation and be on our merry way!

I have been so drained from him i just have no enegery he sucks all the life out of me. This week I was told to shut up before he burned my eyes out with pepper spray, was told to shut up or he would beat my face in, was told he should beat my face in , oh and if i ever left him "it's on " then punching sounds made with his fists. but he's sorry now, and he's going to a program so i should be ok right ? um, no not at all.

This program is the only chance i see besides hireing a personal body guard.
echolady

Post by **Eretik** » Fri Sep 28, 2007 10:18 am

I'll have a look, see if I can find anything. Your best bet is probably your nearest aid group, but hey,it's worth looking. I like your thinking on this.Clever.
It is true that abusers need to get help and treatment also. Chains need to be broken,the cycle of violence needs to stop or it passes down to another generation.Fathers who do this are teaching their sons that women are worthless,their mothers are there to be used etc. a son who watches his mother take this year after year, loses any respect for her and other women in general, also. A daughter learns that she, like her mother can expect or deserve no better. This is not universal but it's a sadly common damage pattern, it can lead to addiction and mental health problems also. Attitudes need to change in the general population too. Funding now and legal changes now, would stop this being a huge drain on the economy and society later. That is a cold but rational view which the politicians would do well to think about. Sorry .End of rant. I 'll do my best. Geri.

Post by **Sobek** » Fri Sep 28, 2007 11:16 am

if you can't specifically find something for it you could always go with standard anger management.

Post by **Blazewind** » Fri Sep 28, 2007 11:52 am

I say you should just let him go to jail. Press charges, if you can. While he is in jail for his two or so months, PLEASE... get out of there. Save up the money while he is away and just go somewhere where he will not think to look for you.

Post by **Revolpathon** » Fri Sep 28, 2007 1:30 pm

i got send to a councelor who tried some sort of anger management with me, but it worked in reverse, (might have been something to do with being there without deserving it).

i suggest you run from him and change phone numbers and everything (also don't forget to NOT get registered in the yellow pages (phonebook if yellow pages is the wrong word)).

abusive men tend to please you one time only to get your guard down slightly just to strike again (i used to have a friends like this, so i kinda know what i'm talking about), my advise is also to press charges and while he is away for the mere 2 to 3 months, run.

this may sound weird, but do you still love him?

Post by **[echolady]** » Fri Sep 28, 2007 4:04 pm

thanks for a your replies.

Blazewind it is unfortunate but if I could actually get him arrested (wich is hard to do ) he would likely spend less than 3 days in jail for his 1st offense and get out on probation. When he gets out after only 3 days he would have had just enough time to get angrier, not enough time to cool down. I have seen this happen, i have seen this happen multiple times .domestic violense is useually treated as a first degree misdemeanor in my area, the maximum jail time he could do is a year, and let me tell u I know a guy who put stiches in his girfriends head from beating it against a car door, this is his 3rd offense and they have already plead him to 3 months jail time, probation, anger management classes.

Getting him arrested is the 1st problem, I would have to let him beat me and not fight back, if he has bruising they are likely to take us both to jail and let the judge sort it out. thats if i can get the cops to my house before he runs and hides, if he does that, they will have to go look for him, he would likely by the time they find him have his friends lie and give him an aliby. They already think "we beat on each other " that what he told them the last time he messed me up. Mostly these days though it's just verbal, no one goes to jail for terrorizing you verbally. not in the south. a restraining order i think would only challenge him at this point. In short the law is useless.

sobek, anger management works great for people who want help and are just angry, in his case it would likely have a reverse affect. He needs to be in a program, where they are familar with abuser tactics and lies. where they can keep in contact with me and make sure that he is not useing what he learns in class to further hurt me or work the system. This is common for abusers. I had him look at some websites a few years back about his role in this, all he did was come back and tell me i'm abusive, tell me how he is having a normal reaction to me being an abusive bitch.
revolpathon, I love parts of him i guess, but no i can't stand him, i am repulsed by him the majority of the time. Unfortunatly running is not an option at this point, I though it might be not long ago, but i have no money at all, Most of my credit cards are overdue, i'm a month behind on my electric, i barely make my rent and eat at this point. I only keep the internet because it is a great resource. In a couple of months i may have the money to run but it will be longer than i think i can wait.

eretik, any links u have would be great, thank u as always for your help.

thank u all, echolady

Post by **Eretik** » Fri Sep 28, 2007 5:16 pm

It's great you are all coming up with ideas, but it is a sad truth that Echolady is sharing,here. My abuser was jailed on ATTEMPTED MURDER charges,but made bail 3 days later,because no one bothered to contact me to tell me I HAD to get a solicitor to oppose it. My address [at a refuge] was c/o police and the police never informed me either. He got out on Christmas eve and immediately phoned my mother,to tell her I'd better 'behave' as he was out now. He had previously threatened my family and used 'coded terms' which she repeated to me. I knew he'd do it too. I refused examination at the hospital [after the attack]for my injuries and signed myself out, as I was not letting my kids go to foster or care homes.They woud have admitted me and i twould have been inevitable. I made it to refuge with them as I had vowed never to let them out of my safe keeping. You may think I was crazy,but I acted correctly ,considering he got out of jail and began stalking us soon after. By the way,it turns out I had various soft tissue internal injuries as well as a fractured skull,5 broken ribs and a dislocated sacral joint,not to mention the severe bruising and strangulation marks, from compression of my throat etc.and so on. I think the fact that I didn't know how badly hurt I was,is a major factor in my survival -believe me I suffered and must live with the consequences of those untreated and badly healed injuries for the rest of my days. I have since been assessed and had some treatment for the seizures etc. I have memory problems and was diagnosed with PTSD also. HE WALKED,SCOT FREE. But,I'll shut up on this for now,this is not about me, I had to try and explain though - the law on domestic violence is an ass and bears little relation to justice.
#
#Echolady,I got this, with state by state resources :

http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/states/menu.shtml

#I have some general and state specific info. I'll put it up as the contacts nos. may know local resources for you. Back in a mo.

# I have some info. on treatment for abusers, it is interesting reading - Echolady is correct and we should all educate ourselves on the subject.These pages will go to the sticky also,once I get them here.

#please excuse the 'unusual' type style,keyboad is acting up.

Post by **Eretik** » Fri Sep 28, 2007 5:38 pm

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/abusive_help.htm

#this is a U.K. site but has good info. on why things like anger management don't work in these cases.etc.

http://www.sojournertruthhouse.org/help_abusers.htm

#again this is not local ,nor are these below,Echolady but contacts might be able to help with resources closer to you.

http://www.safeofhc.org/abusers.cfm

http://www.asafeplaceforhelp.org/ipdavfaqs.html

http://www.gcadv.org/html/help/abuser.html

Post by **[echolady]** » Sat Sep 29, 2007 4:14 am

eretik, your storys always amaze me, I cannot imagine being that strong. Most days I am doing all i can to keep my head above water and I am not currently being beaten, and i have never been beaten like that.

I am so amazed right now at the law, everyday i am more outraged. The laws in this country are so backward on domestic violence. The training at many shelters is sub par as well. The one around here only opperates from 9-5pm, they have operators available 24/7 but the operators are by no means able to counsel u. I guess if your abused after normal business hours you'll just have to wait until the next morning to talk to a kind, caring voice.
well i'm tired so i will stop ranting for now. I got a number today but it was after business hours, i left a message, maybe i will get a call back on monday.
thank u for those links eretik i'm going to dig through them, the # i got today was with the local dv shelter and as i have stated before i have little faith in them. cross your fingers and your toes for me!

smooches to everyone!, echolady

Post by **jcrowfoot** » Sat Sep 29, 2007 8:52 am

Part of the problem with this notion is that many of the worst batterers are... well... narcissistic. Also called sociopaths. Anything like normal therapy just makes them better at abusing the system and abusing others. Not all of them are this way... but echolady, yours has all the earmarks.

The best we can do is to hope that we can avoid children escalating to the point that they enjoy hurting people and will do anything to continue to do so.

Psychology is such a sloppy science... if you were to compare psychology to physical medicine, you'd almost have to say that we don't even know germ theory yet. We know what works, but never WHY. For this reason, we don't get consistent results, and everybody has a theory that works occasionally.

Post by **Eretik** » Sat Sep 29, 2007 10:26 am

Echolady, you can imagine being that strong and you are right now. You are and have faced and dealt with adversity. I wish I could do more for you,it is difficult being here and not being able to help in a more practical way. Stay strong and keep fighting. My thoughts go with you,as always.

Post by **[echolady]** » Sat Sep 29, 2007 2:47 pm

not much time to write but....

jcrowfoot, he is a diagnosed sociopath, he lives on disability checks and food stamps from the government because of it. It is assumed he will never be able to maintain a normal full time job. I agree with what you have said and will probably comment more later when i'm not on the run.

eretik, u have already helped more than u can ever know.

Post by **Ashara** » Sat Sep 29, 2007 2:50 pm

I grew up being physically and mentally abused. My mom refused to leave for 11 years until I got old enough to threaten to 'out' her to all her friends and the family (although I'm sure they all knew what went on) and then she finally left him. She found out she was stronger and smarter than she thought she was. We found out that we were able to sleep deeper and more peacefully without worry of being awakened by a raging drunk. Our grades improved, our attitudes improved.
Today three of the six of us have chosen not to drink or take drugs. Although we still have some issues with childhood demons.
My advice is to take all the help you can get. I'll keep you on my blessings list.

Post by **Eretik** » Sat Sep 29, 2007 7:02 pm

I grew up with emotional and physical abuse,which led me to a life where I only expected more of the same, I froze my emotions at a young age,as a coping mechanism.I ended up with abusive partners as it was all I knew and what I coped with best. I was very f*cked up,but I had to learn what love was not, to be able to realise what it could actually be. The path to self realisation was hard,but I had to break the chains,to save my children from a similar nightmare - I found that I loved my children and it made me realise that my life was not in vain, it also made me realise that my mother did not love me,or she would have felt as I did and would have wanted to protect her children and care for them,as I felt and still do. I was diagnosed 'borderline' for sociopathy, and anti -social personality,at the time of my PTSD assesment but I think that is because I had to 'get inside' my ex's personality to fight against him effectively,[ a very long story,] this scarred me mentally -took me a long time to deal with the fall out from it. It was like being two people, in one body. It is also a measure ,as J.Crowfoot says of the fact that psychology is in its infancy.Think of forensic profilers - those who also have 'to think like the freaks' to build an M.O. as it's often the only way to be able to catch them out. Doing this has bad effects on a sane mind and these folk often end up with some form of stress disorder too. I played a dangerous game of cat and mouse with a crazy [psychopath] man who could fool most people into thinking he was charming and kind,that or intimidate others into co-operation -it depended on his needs at the time and the types of people,themselves. I won,but it was hard,soul destroying and caused me damage - I had no choice as the law was useless to me and I couldn't trust anyone.DO WHATEVER YOU MUST TO MAKE YOURSELF SAFE - BE CLEVER AND PLAY HIM, BUT PLEASE BE VERY CAREFUL. Thinking of you .Geri.

Post by **[echolady]** » Sun Sep 30, 2007 9:46 pm

it's an uphill battle, it took me 3 years to get my own place wich was the 1st thing i needed. I hid money everywhere, my moms, different bank accounts, at my job my boss has a little box safe inside of the big safe, for us to put money in envelopes to save for whetever. i hid about $300 there.
now that i am here it gets ever harder to read him. he is so moody and broody and then manic i don't know what to do most of the time. getting inside of his head is hard because he has so many tactics and angles, he has no idea what he is so it's pretty hard for me to figure out. also when i use a bit of turnabout i get told how wrong i am, doesn't matter that he does it all the time, i will get punished.

I'm pretty sure i have had a good case of stokholms sydrome, as well has PTS.
i feel like this program stuff is the only option right now, i don't know what else to do.

i have considered, just not saying a word to him and having a friend come stay with me for awile, someone large, but i don't want anymore violence and i know there would be, i am also concerned that might entice him to attack me with something more than his fists. i dunno.

anywaz he has invited himself over so i should log off now. talk to u guys later. thank u all.

eretik, i like your stories, please write them as often as u like, who knows maybe i'll get a bright idea.
echolady