a ripple in the muck

Post by **BondageGoddess98** » Tue Sep 16, 2008 12:43 am

Tis the beginning of my blog and hopefully not the last post. I'm not very consistent when it comes to diaries or blogs.
I've started my wiccan path and I'm learning so much. My husband is very supportive and even gets me my supplies and books. I'm spoiled rotten I know and I in turn spoil our baby girl. The girls in this house are definitely
Spoiled!
I feel like there is so much
about myself I don't
Know,but want to discover.
I had my tarot read a
While back and in the area
of spirituality I discovered

I have a gift I just don't
Know what yet.
I am a stay at home mom but will start working soon probably when my hubby goes to Iraq so I won't go nuts. I need to get my drivers license but am nervous about getting behind the wheel. I also hate the idea of leaving my daughter with strangers but we could use the extra income. I wish I could get a job working at home that way I could be with my baby and still make money.

Post by **BondageGoddess98** » Tue Sep 16, 2008 3:08 pm

thank the heavens and everything in it i finally have my computer set up as well as the internet so i don't have to use the web on my phone which is a total pain. the baby is sleeping right now and i'm tired since i didn't sleep until four in the morning. I just couldn't sleep too many thoughts running through my head. I have been taking these pills for insomnia but they are homeopathic and the strong narcotic kind (my fav) so its going to be a while for them to work i guess.
I have no furniture yet so im sitting on the floor typing. We went from living in a little shoe box bachelor apartment in LA to a spacious two bedroom two bathroom home here in Texas so im still trying to get used to having all this room. The baby loves it she is always running all over the place with her little monkey in tow. I feel really dazed right now i don't think i've eaten anything yet. The baby is cranky right because its her nap time but she is stubborn and wants to keep on playing tired or not...hmm... i wonder where she gets that from? Surely not i! *looks away innocently*
I have been doing an evening ritual every day for like five or six months now and studying wicca and i feel i am growing each time.
My beauty queen summons me i must now take my leave.
I bid Adieu

Post by **BondageGoddess98** » Thu Sep 18, 2008 11:40 pm

I just finished this novel where these women go back in time for three weeks and change their lives and when I finished I couldn't help wishing I could do the same. Sometimes I feel like my life is just one big mistake after another. I got into another argument with my husband and I couldn't help thinking once again and wishing I could do things differently but that's just wistful thinking. My sacrum hurts like hell too much tension I suppose.
I need some vicodine and vodka. I feel completely alone I have no friends or family here.
We keep finding spiders in our home I hate spiders with a passion. Terrified of them!

Post by **BondageGoddess98** » Fri Sep 19, 2008 9:06 pm

I went to the eye doctor today and i found out my right eye is so f*cked up. I can only see the first two big letters on the chart with my right eye after that everything else is a blur. My left eye on the other hand is totally good. A slight blur but no where as bad as the other eye. I'm getting glasses i already paid for them i'm just waiting for them to be customized and then boom i will be able to see again.
I am also thinking of training as a optometrist assistant so i can get a job i where ever my husband gets stationed.
My home is infested with spiders i hate it. I do not like spiders one bit, yet i totally enjoy movies about them, go figure.

Post by **BondageGoddess98** » Mon Sep 22, 2008 12:31 pm

we adopted a gray cat his name is Spirit and he has white paws and a little white streak on his nose. He is getting adjusted to his new home we got him from an animal shelter. He is very affectionate and friendly so i think we will get along quite well. Spirit loves being around people is patient with my curious baby girl which is very good. He has already been fixed so he is kind of mellowed out and not spunky jumping all over the place which suits me just fine. I'm so excited about this new member to our family!
He is going to get spoiled big time and he will remain indoors so we wont have to worry about fleas much. Right now he is basically just checking out his new place. Cats are awesome!

Post by **BondageGoddess98** » Wed Oct 01, 2008 10:43 pm

I am sick with the flu as well as my baby girl and im totally stressed out mentally, physically and spiritually. My body aches and i just want to sleep but i need to take care of the baby too. I gave her a bath before putting down to sleep and she screamed bloody murder. For some reason she does not like being bathed anymore which is quite unnerving. My husband is leaving tomorrow for military training and he wont be home for a month so im not looking forward to that. Today has been very trying and stressful for me i could use a really strong margarita right now and some vicoden. Went grocery shopping to stock up since i don't know how to drive because im too much of a pussy and am afraid to learn. When he gets back from training i will have to learn how to drive there is no way out of it. He will be leaving for war in Jan and i will need to be able to get around and be able to take the baby to doctors appointments. Its not like California where everything is so close by and you can just walk to wherever you need to go or take a bus. Texas is so damned spread out! I want to scream but im so tired and drained i can't even cry now. Im falling behind on my wicca studies but im so f*cking drained right now.

Post by **BondageGoddess98** » Sun Oct 26, 2008 4:58 am

It is almost five in the morning and i haven't slept all night from worry about current financial plight. We have two major bills due on the first and im not sure if we will have enough money to cover it and still have money for food and other little bills. Im stressed out! Im hoping my husband hasn't spent any more money because if he does then were screwed big time. I am terrified. It sucks not being able to drive i need to learn asap so i can get a job and bring in some badly needed money. We don't even have enough money for furniture let alone have money left over after the bills are paid and i just dont think i can handle the stress anymore. I'm worth more dead than i am alive maybe i should just kill myself so that way my husband can pay off the bills and get out of debt and our daughter wont have to go without. I cant see any other way out and im so overwhelmed.

Post by **BondageGoddess98** » Sun Nov 02, 2008 7:46 pm

Im still alive and the the major bills are paid as scheduled. The only bills left are the mastercard and the military star card but the mastercard will have to wait the other one can get paid because its so damned little. The next paycheck in in a week so i think we will make it. Its going to hurt but i think we can make it even if it means living off of MRE's for a while.

I gave my little baby a bath and she did not cry this time, in fact she actually played with her little bath toys this time and had fun. Our cat went missing a week ago and i was devastated but lo and behold on Halloween night as we came home from a festival on base our cat was waiting for us and meowing his head off wanting to come home. I missed him so much and apparently so did he because he wants constant attention and loving from us. Maybe things are going to work after all and i really hope they do. I got my driving permit so i am taking baby steps to get over my fear of being behind the wheel. I stalled so badly yesterday it sucked but i can't let that stop me from learning to drive. I need to learn how to drive soon before its too late i need to drive so i can get a job i hate being useless i want to help bring in some kind of income.
I have no religion i don't know what i want anymore, but i what i do know is that i don't want to get caught up in some legalistic bullshit anymore i don't want to be boxed in by the church or any other man made bullshit that belittles others for not believing their idea of truth. I don't want to be apart of any group that belittles women and tells us to be obedient and subservient to men and basically take all the abuse and bullshit they can hand down while smiling and baking cookies.

Post by **BondageGoddess98** » Sun Feb 08, 2009 8:03 pm

My husband is deployed and everything is coming down on me. Everything is on my shoulders now and i have to learn to drive soon and get a job. I have no family here and no friends all i have is my baby and a gray cat we adopted. I haven't heard from my husband in a while and it sucks; he sent in a copy of his orders to our credit card companies so they can lower our interest rate but one them refused to do so since im the primary account holder. Money is so tight right now and im trying to stretch what little food we have which mainly consists of MRE's (meals ready to eat) basically military food. My daughter doesn't really care for it so im having a hard time getting her to eat. I made a post somewhere trying to express what was going on and hoping to find encouragement but instead get a suicide hotline number and little else. I don't trust anyone since i have no reason to; every time i have tried to trust someone i ended getting stabbed in the back so i keep to myself. I hate it here and wish i had not made the move out to Texas. I was living in such a cramped apartment back in California but at least i had my family there. Everything was so close by that i didn't need to rely on anyone so i was ok, but now i live here and everything is so spread out that walking with a baby in tow is out of the question. I really hate it here but i can't leave because it will only mean the dissolution of my marriage and my family and that is the only thing keeping me going. If i lose that i might as well die... then again maybe that would not be so bad at least that way i wouldn't have to live with my failure anymore.
I hope my daughter has a better life than i do and a better future i hope that she doesn't end up f*cked up like me.

Post by **One Walker** » Mon Feb 09, 2009 5:48 pm

Well, I won't give you the number of a suicide hot-line but maybe I can offer some supportive ideas. I'm speaking as someone who has never married and has no kids so I've had to pay my way on my own my entire life.

1) Don't give up. If you do, you'll lose everything. That means your family, house, etc.
2) Drive or walk. Do whatever you have to do to get where you need to go. It won't kill you or your daughter.
3) Don't turn to crime. You know what I mean.
4) There is no easy way out of a hole. You can't wait for someone to pull you out. Get good and mad; roll up your sleeves; and get to work at climbing out of that hole. Fight this slump. Do it for you, your daughter, and your husband. It will hurt but it will NOT kill you. Once you start doing this you might just be surprised at the number of friends you have. There's a lot of people willing to help those who are trying to help themselves (By the way, that does NOT include the government. It couldn't care less. In fact, it WANTS you to fail and be totally dependent on them because then they own and control you.). What I'm saying is, people are a lot more willing to help others when those others are actively doing something to help themselves.
5) Live cheap for now. Dump the cable system and whatever else you can do without. Cut out food coupons. Shop cheap and shop only when you have to buy essential items. Forget new jeans, clothes, shoes, etc. unless they're ripped. If you're making payments on a new car, sell it for enough to pay off the loan and get yourself a decent used car. You'll also find that insurance is a LOT cheaper on a car 10+ years old. Turn off lights when you're not in the room. Turn down the thermostat or AC. Forget fast food or ordering pizzas. Make your meals at home. If you have a home phone and a cell phone then get rid of one of them. You don't need it or the extra bill.

Hope this helped some. I DO feel for your situation and I want to see you make it through this.

One Walker.

Post by **BondageGoddess98** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 1:23 pm

3) Don't turn to crime. You know what I mean.

what the hell does that mean?

Post by **One Walker** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 1:34 pm

Ooops.

I apologize for the way that may have come across, BondageGoddess. I did not mean to imply you were engaging in that sort of activity. What I meant was that difficult times sometimes lead people to take desperate or drastic measures. If the problems are cash-related many people will try to solve the problem-at least in the short term-by stealing, dealing drugs, that sort of thing. All I'm saying is that is a path best left untraveled.

I apologize again if I offended you in any way. That was not my intent by any means. Please forgive me.

One Walker.

Post by **BondageGoddess98** » Tue Feb 17, 2009 12:37 am

I hate this place i've never felt so isolated or alone like i do now. My husband was supposed to call today but didn't and i look forward to those calls. I have no friends around here and the people i have tried to befriend have turned out to be flaky so i have no one. I'm scared that i'm going to snap and just end it all or worse. Im taking medication but i don't think it is doing any good and i'm constantly losing my temper and screaming over everything. Im scared and i'm depressed and i am trying so damned hard to pull myself together. I've managed to alienate myself from my family and none of them will talk to me. Lord knows i have tried to call my sister but she wont answer her phone no matter how many times i call or leave messages. I don't know how im going to get through this year with my sanity or my life in tact.