Welcome to my life (willow_witch)

Post by **willow_witch** » Fri Jan 16, 2009 9:33 pm

So im thinking that maybe my writing a blog of my journey to and through out wicca will help me see something i've missed or maybe one of you will see something. But at this moment i'm lost and i need to see a way out.

(also im sure while writing this the event wont always be in chronological order so bare with me)

p.s im fragile, dont be mean and if your not interested its kewl but i'm gonna write as if you all are

:)

okay so im told that as a child (prep - year2) i wanted to be a nun. (the idea is laughable to me) i say i was brainwashed by my catholic school but at time i wonder if it wasn't the closeness and magic of the church that caught me. But when my Pa died i lost that faith, it didnt make any sense to me any more. So being 10 i just went on being faithless... and i started living in my own world of fairies and magic. when i got a bit older i started looking and found wicca and it made sense.

So that is my start, and now i feel im at my end.... but i need faith in my life. I've always felt close to the goddess but now its as if im completely alone.

Post by **willow_witch** » Mon Jan 19, 2009 12:34 am

The latest thing in the horrid path of my life, is my house was broken in to and they stole basically everything of true value to me. My laptop with all my photos from my life not to mention every photo taken of my daughter, and document that i treasured... and this disgusting person also found were i kept my important jewelery, i had a whole heap sitting on the mantle but no they went through only one draw dug under a heap of book and opened a plain looking box then took the paper out of it to find the jewelery that i loved. Necklace for my dead pa and the only thing that links me to him as i hardly even remember him. An opal pendant that my dead great grandma dug out of the earth in the center of Australia, had cut in half and left for me and my twin sister to be given to me on my 16th birthday... this opal not only linked me to her and that half of my family as i hardly see them but to my sister and to the earth and it was personally offered to her from the earth, It made me feel safe and protected and now some vile horrid person has it and i have no way of getting it back :'( that thought haunts me and i can't get over it.... this might be why i feel i have been left by the Goddess.... every since the break in, i dont feel the usual presence that i always took for Her.

I hate this person ( i use the word person in the looses context) more then i have ever hated anyone in the world and at the same time i feel so sorry that they had to be reduced to this but they took my life and my links and i want them to be punished so badly but i can bring my self to even try because thats not who i am....... but i wish it was and i had to power to.

Even then it wouldn't bring my things back and that what i need.

Post by **willow_witch** » Fri Jan 23, 2009 1:53 am

why is it that when things start looking up, when finally i seem to have gotten out of the pile of crap that can resemble my life i get crapped on more? i dont see why???? What have i done to deserve so much crap?

SO today was a beautiful day here in melbourne, the sun was shine but it wasnt too hot. So my and by boyfriend decide to drive down to Williamstown to go to a (for lack of a better word) magic shop called back to basics. Its was a great day we walked down the pier, had an icecream, looked in the store, then decide because its a beautiful day to take the scenic route along the beach front with out windows down and the sun and sea air coming in it was great... the we get lost... which is okay cause we're in good moods so we laugh at it instead of fighting like we might have then on a whim i say lets go to sunshine (not as nice as the name suggests) shopping center instead of highpoint (the shopping center we usually go to) coz its smaller and an adventure. We find the stuff we need (im goin back to uni so i needed new stuff and a daily planner...) then he wants to get a $35 folder thing (completely out of our budget.. i mean i go without shampoo some months because we cant find it in our budget for an extra $10) i say no... so we fight about it and he gets it anyway.... we go for lunch in the food court... NOOOO he doesnt want anything there, insists he isnt hungry and we should go home and i should just get take away.... but i know he'll be hungry later and i dunt wanna eat twice (im a binge eater) so i say i'll wait which makes him mad (no idea why) so we go back to the car.... we are then driving home when this horrid smell comes through the air con and there is a rattling sound coming from under the car..... so we pull over pop the lid and of course there is smoke..... wait 30mins for the stupid thing to cool down in 30 degree heat and start towards home (which is 2 minutes away) and just as home is in sight.... the car starts hissing at us and smoking we get it into the drive way pop the lid again and try to figure what is wrong....

THEN we have to wait 2 f***ing hours so his dad to come over to have a look instead of just goin to a mechanic like me and my parents wanted (i should mention its my dads car) then he comes over fiddles around... doesn't fix anything and its too late to go to a mechanic and they are all closed til Tuesday. And his main concern..........how will i get to cricket tomorrow?

Im sick of the crap being dumped on me.... every f***ing month.... October HE crashed our car, completely totaled it as well as the other car involved (it was a wonder no one was hurt let alone killed) costing us all our savings. November our house was broken into enough said. now January our car is smoking and who knows how much it will cost.

Im sooooooo sick of this sh!t and just when i was excited about life again.

hope your lives are better then mine,
willow

Post by **willow_witch** » Fri Jan 23, 2009 2:03 am

oh wait i remember december's Christmas day packed the car with all the presents about to drive home when the car wont start.... so i have to put my daughter in a stroller and walk the 30mins home in the dark.... because everyone was too drunk to drive.... and my boyfriend stayed to try to get it started and ended up being driven home when his aunty dropped by to get something she forgot. GRRRR once a month is not fun

Post by **willow_witch** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 9:24 pm

Would anyone like to hazard a guess at what i've been doing for the last hour??? Anyone? okay i'll tell you... searching for my dog. That's right my darling little scatterbrain (who is only staying with me for a week) decide it was time for her to see the world.... Now the reason i am taking care of her for the week is because my rents are getting renovations done and the stupid builders keep leaving the gates open and she would run away... but because she has grown up in that area she is usually in a few places.... now i decided that i'd take her for a week or two to help out. SO she's been here 7days and its been fine. i proofed the backyard and she's been having a great time.... so she is barking her head off im in the middle of something and when i finish go outside to yell at her (the neighbors keep yelling at me coz she barks alot) and i cant find her... now she usually is sprinting to the back door as soon as you even unlock it but no she's not there.... i get the stupid thing open and she still isnt there.... i yell for her... nothing im frantically searching the yard but nope she's not there. So i scream for my boyfriend who comes running thinking im dying or something and he finds the side gate (the one covered in moss and vines and rust and is an over grown side path) is now open.... great. And the car is broken...... SO its 30degrees and we are out on our bikes searching for a little fluff ball........ THANK the goddess that my boyfriend found her (playing chicken on a main road....) but she doesn't like him so she wont follow him..... so he has to pick her up one handed (with her freaking and scratching him) and wheel the bike the 3 blocks home............ I should bottle my essence and sell it as a powerful curse or a weapon of mass destruction... im not sure why but i swear if one more crappy things happens im gonna blow!

oh and btw it will coz up to 1,000 to fix the stupid car, money i dont have.

Post by **willow_witch** » Sun Jan 25, 2009 6:34 pm

SO i finally think i can deal with the cr@p... and maybe there was a sliver lining in there after all... my boyfriend crashes our car... it was a really bad crash totaled both cars but no-one was hurt which was a miracle. The break in (the silver lining in this one only partially covers it tho) everything stolen was covered by insurance. (okay the photos were irreplaceable as was the jewelery but still). Amber running away.. we found her before she could get hurt. And our car, i though hey there must be a lining... but there isnt... its just gonna cost 1300.... which i had to some borrow from my parents, so they are annoyed at me and i cant take it again

Send me good luck coz i cant stand anymore bad.

Post by **willow_witch** » Thu Jan 29, 2009 6:57 am

SO im starting my uni course on monday and im terrified! i havnt been to uni since i left mid year to have my daughter and im so scared i'm going to fail... this is the shining light to my parents... the only reason they helped me out with the car and didnt crack it is because they want me to do this course so badly. Mum thinks its the link that will start me back to my old self (though that will be difficult... have i mention she didnt take to the teen mother thing very well, dont get me wrong she loves my daughter to bits but she want me to be like i was and its just not gonna happen) More then im scared of the class im scared that i'll hurt them again, this turning point might be a bad one and all her hopes are on it.

The worst thing is i wanna be like i was (tho including my daughter) but at the same time i wanna be new. My life was okay b4 i got pregnant, but only just i'd had my 'depressed' year in year 9, my 'fun' year in year 10 (the yeah i spent every weekend drunk, started smoking, cutting and developed an eating disorder.. oh yeah a fun year) then my 'stable' year (started off shaky but it got stable, i meet my boyfriend who help me alot and got me back on the right track i got A's in almost every subject at school, i barely passed year 10 because of all my fun so it was a great year) Year 12 was okay i was getting more depressed and stressed but it was manageable until i got pregnant s few months before VCE and i bombed out in them..... okay i lost my train of thought but mainly i wanna be carefree and happy again but my life is falling apart and im majorly depressed half the time...... ARGH life is confusing

this post makes very little sense but it was bugging me so i thought i'd write about it coz its make me feel better.

Post by **One Walker** » Thu Jan 29, 2009 11:38 pm

Hi Willow_Witch!

I've really enjoyed reading your blog but after this last entry I felt compelled to relate something to you.

Right now you're going through what will probably be the toughest time of your life because you are deciding who and what you are. The kind of person you want to be. You're getting all kinds of outside pressure on this because some people want you to be what they want you to be while others are confused because they don't know who you really are at any given moment any more than you do. You're pulled in both directions-back to your old life and forward to your new life. I know. I went through it myself. Everybody has in one form or another.

You're going to have to go forward into your new life. That's the way life works. That is not to say, however, that you can't take some of the good things about your old life with you. You can use those memories and abilities in part to shape your new you! Get rid of the old bad habits and memories. Leave them in the past where they belong. Otherwise they will destroy any chance of happiness. Nobody on this planet can make you happy. Not your friends, mate, parents, child, or anybody else. Only you can make you happy. You're gonna have to take a good, long, hard, honest look inside yourself and decide what will make you happy. Happiness, first and foremost, is about being the good person you really want to be. All else takes a distant second. That includes jobs, homes, friends, family, and lovers. Without being the person you truly want to be all those other things might be temporarily satisfying but will end up miserable failures in the long run. You don't want that and none of the people in your life want that for you.

That may sound like it sucks and goes against the carefree experiences you've had but ask yourself this: Exactly how good were those carefree times? Really? To be carefree means to not care. To be adrift in the wind. To let events take you and carry you wherever they will with no resistance from you. Willingness in fact. That's a sure-fire way to mess yourself up big time. Remember, if you don't care about anything then nothing and no person will really care about you. Being carefree may be fun in the moment but if you care, those good times will last a lifetime. If you can care, especially and most importantly about yourself, it will stabilize you and through that stabilize your life.

Well, I hope I didn't tick you off. I apologize right now if I offended you in any way. It;s just that I've been there too and I want to see you make it through this in one piece.

One Walker.

Post by **willow_witch** » Mon Feb 02, 2009 6:27 am

Thank you OneWalker, your right in many ways and its nice that you understand coz half the time i feel like a prat writing this stuff.

Anyway I had my first day doing my Cert II today... this big life canging moment or so my mum wants it to be. So on sunday morning i hurt my back and spend the day barely able to move my upper body. I organise all my books and everything, get the timetable for the trains and even lay out my outfit and before i go to bed my boyfriend gives my back a 'massage' (more like a bashing) and i ask him to set the alarm.... so i wake up to my daughter crying look over at the clock and it 9.20... so much for that 8 o'clock alarm... and i need to be on the train in 15mins, the station is at least 10 mins away. After screaming at my boyfriend while getting dress we have to go and get our daughter up and ready for childcare and Thank gosh i got things organised last night. so its 20 mins later and we are in the car driving to the station... we drive past the track to see a train racing us to the station... and of course it wins... so i have to wait 10 mins there for the next one which is at 9.52.... i have class at 10.

so i can pretty much kiss a good first impression good bye and im without a morning shower, my hair is in a bun, no makeup on except a lipgloss that was in my bag and i come in 10 mins late to find that there are only 7 ppl in the class and i've interrupted the teacher talking about being prompt to class.......

Other then that it was a pretty good day... i think it will be a good class and i hope ease me back into society. But as usual i am the loner... which i dont mind as i know i bring it on my self, im very shy and wont really talk much in class and when i get the nerve to i start strong and then end up in a whisper looking at the ground. Plus ppl tend to not know how to relate to me being a 20yr with a daughter. But im kinda so used to it, it doesnt matter but i know it will to my mum... i was a social butterfly once upon a time.

I hate disappointing her, and i know im not what she wanted me to be BUT i'll write on that more later.