Passive aggressiveness

Post by **IceDragonX** » Mon Sep 18, 2006 3:45 pm

How do you deal with a person who is passive aggressive? Especially when you actually care a lot about them and see that it is hurting their relationships and friendships?

I have been reading up a lot on this, they say the best way is to be direct and not allow them to get away with the behavior or it could get worse (I'm assuming becuase they believe it works in getting their way overall). However, I don't think that will work in this situation because, he can easily avoid me at any point. I have tried direct behavior and it seems to not get me much of anywhere, but vague answers and unresponsiveness. I am looking for an approach that might encourage more responsiveness (even if its anger) than withdrawn behavior.

Does mirroring possibly work? As in, you mirror their own behavior to kind of get them to realize on their own what they sound like?

Has anyone dealt with some one like this before directly? By descriptions it sounds fairly common. I almost see instances where possibly anyone could have behaved passive aggressive before. But I know some people are more prone to continue that behavior over and over again. Does anyone have some interesting suggestions that might work? I don't want to avoid them because that isn't my goal. My goal isn't about me, its about them and what I can do to maybe help. I don't think saying they have a problem will work either, because most people like that don't believe they have a problem.

Post by **Sobek** » Tue Sep 19, 2006 5:53 am

there comes a time when a person has to realise that only the person in question can help themselves and if they choose not too then its his own problem and he will lose out in the end. life lessons as cruel as they can be.

Post by **IceDragonX** » Tue Sep 19, 2006 3:11 pm

I know...I realized that just yesterday when I conversed with him last. I am just to the point where I dont want to talk to him anymore, I feel horrible everytime I have talked to him. He makes me feel inferior, negative, and the aggressor as he controls the conversation to get his way. Im a bit sick of the crap. I still care, but I cant take his behavior any longer. He is on his own and I know other people are getting sick of him as well. He is going to lose a lot very soon. I feel bad for him, but not as bad as knowing he is just going to abuse my good nature.

Post by **Sobek** » Wed Sep 20, 2006 3:23 am

well that the right way to go about it i feel

The Dragon · Post by **The Dragon** » Tue Oct 03, 2006 6:22 pm

This is my problem. The creator is really dealing with me today. This is the second character defect that the Universe has brought to my attention in just the last few hours. Right here over the internet!!!

My passive-aggressiveness displays itself as me drawing up after I have been hurt or aggravated and ignoring the person for the most part. Sometimes i'll display anger, via my actions the day after the fact leaving the person wondering what the hell it was they did to make me act like this! I've got to stop this.

Thanks for your post.

I do not suggest you give up on your friend but he deffinitely needs someone to be firm and loving with him. Let him know when he is acting this way and that you are concerned about him and need him to communicate with you at the time. Ask him whats wrong. If this does not help then leave him alone for a couple of days. But by all means don't give up on him.

People like he and I have problems taking up for ourselves and use this behavior to cover and make up for this.

Post by **IceDragonX** » Tue Oct 03, 2006 7:38 pm

I appreciate your post, it has given me a view from some one who actually has this problem themselves. Our communication is very limited right now, but I will keep your post and advice in mind each time. I want him to be happy and be free for the better, right now I do not think he is in that place right now.

Post by **Eretik** » Fri Nov 03, 2006 7:30 pm

You could do some reading on behavioural techniques and use them when talking to your friend. My partner, whom I adore, was often this way inclined. It drove me nuts! I'm confrontational, I like to have things out in the open and discussed so problems can be worked out. I hate name calling and screaming matches, but I will leave no doubts as to why I'm unhappy. As you can imagine, our different attitudes caused lots of strife. I ended up explaining to him how he was making me feel [horrible, like you describe] and that I was losing respect for him, I also explained passive/aggression to him [studied it as part of coursework at uni.] and why he was hurting himself too, internalising strong emotions can lead to depression etc. He knew I'd been a victim of violence in the past and was scared to be 'aggressive' in front of me in case I freaked out. All that time and all it took was one conversation to work it out! You should see him now, we argue in a healthy way and I understand much more about him and how he feels. He feels much stronger and healthier too. All I had to do was tell him I trusted him and I wouldn't leave him or hate him for disagreeing with me, we all have our moments and moods. Sorry for the long post, but I trhink it's worth working through and my experience may be useful too. Passive people are often afraid of losing friends if they 'get nasty' and some have bad memories of conflict, which make them this way.

Post by **IceDragonX** » Thu Dec 14, 2006 2:51 am

Sorry for the late response...

That sounds great in theoy, but if he doesnt acknowledge he is passive aggressive, he wont change at all. He even found it insulting that I addressed the issue. The thing is, he was so fixated on being right and being the wounded one, Im not sure how to handle it. Being nice and understanding makes him bite and being accusative towards me. Being straight forward makes him flat out not want to hear it, stomp and refuse to talk about it.

He hasnt really shown that he sees me as a friend that has worth and value anymore. Now Im gone and he continues to run his life into the gutter. Ive always been the one to bail him out and try to give him help and advice. He totally took it for granted and thinks he can do better on his own. He has begun to act on selfish instinct and has hurt my feelings too much. I wish that your method would work with him, but he just is a very different person compared to your partner. I also feel Im not in a position in his life where my words can effect change in him.

Now I just let him do whatever he wants and stay out of his way, I just hope wherever he is, hes ok. It is such a shame that we can no longer be friends since we've been friends for quite a long time. He chose that route and he must be the one to appologize and make it right. I just think life is too short to hate people. He chose to be nasty and see the worse in me for trying to help. I purely just gave up becuase I became tired of feeling like I am doing something wrong and Im a jerk. That is how he made me feel, and right now in my life, I can not have that negative influence around or I might slip back into bad depression. I have to constantly watch out for relapsing at this point until I have a few years of stability.

Maybe some day, things will be better and we can talk about it. If he wants to man up about it, I will be open to talking.

At this point...how can you approach an issue like that with some one you know doesnt want to talk to you? Do I even bother calling to see if hes ok? I really am more afraid of purely getting rejected and the phone hung up on me, than actually getting anywhere positive. I would be gleeful if we even gotten as far as conversing about the weather. I think this is stupid, but I also don't want to be disrespected again and I feel there is a stronger chance Im going to be hurt in this situation.

Post by **Eretik** » Thu Dec 14, 2006 3:56 am

Hello. It sounds, to me like you have done all you reasonably can. It also seems he's switching from passive to out and out aggressive. You need to let him get on with it and get on with your own life. I know it's making you feel bad to lose a friend, but right now he's not being your friend. I gave you my experience just so you'd know others have been there, I agree my situation was different to yours, sorry it wasn't much help. Let him go and if he makes changes and sorts himself out, then I think it would be right for him to come to you. Don't let yourself get depressed over this, that would be awful and unfair, kudos to you for being such a caring person - that makes you the strong one.

Post by **Storm** » Thu Dec 14, 2006 5:38 am

Hey there. I have a sibling who acts in this way and it's drives me batsh*t. There is a huge amount of competition between us (mainly on her part), but there is no way she would ever admit to her behaviour. I'm not even sure that she is totally aware of what she is doing.

Everything I say - an opinion or stating a fact - she will contradict (but in a friendly way). She'll say, "Oh really? I heard that actually it's this" - this always makes me seem as though actually I don't know what I'm talking about, and if I find proof of the fact days later and bring it up in conversation, I just seem petty! This is just one example of her behaviour.

All I do now is I don't rise to any of it and I'm trying to 'kill the behaviour with kindness'. It seems to be having an effect as we are getting along more, but I do feel as though I have 'given in'.

A few years back we 'had it out' and ended up screaming at each other, but she was totally unwilling to admit that her behaviour was at fault. I'm not a perfect person either, don't get me wrong, lol. But she also treats her partner in the same way. I think it's all about control to be honest - she believes that she is acting in a strong, assertive way.

Hey ho

Post by **Sercee** » Thu Dec 14, 2006 9:32 am

*hugs IceDragon*
You've done an excellent job, don't let it get you down. You've acted as maturely and responsibly as you could and unfortunately there are a lot of people in this world that are neither. It's too bad your friend has to roll in the gutter to learn what's best for him, but sometimes that's the only way to learn. Maybe sometime he'll have a particularly insightful day and realize what a fool he was, or he'll just smarten up. Or not.

Regardless, as you say you have other things to worry about, and to people with depression like you and I the negativity of others can very very toxic. It's far too much to ask that you poison yourself more than you already have for the sake of someone who doesn't want help.

Post by **IceDragonX** » Thu Dec 14, 2006 1:38 pm

Eretik - Just to let you know, I wasnt trying to say your method was wrong or anything, becuase it obviously worked for you. You were in a very strong position to be able to talk openly about it with your partner and that is great. Im glad it has worked out. Unfortunately I had no ability to even make a dent of influence because he has taken my words as attacks instead of general concern. I know I have to let him go and I have. I havent talked to him in months. I just miss him sometimes becuase he was like a big brother to me. Unfortunately that is the way it works out. The guy had such ambitions and now he just seems to lack the ability to accomplish any of it. He is becoming everything he told me he didnt want to be. :\ He is also losing the respect of his other friends with his inconsistancies and lieing. He has been running away a lot from his problems this past year and a half. They are slowly catching up to him. Lets hope he figures it out before they get too bad, but I cant save him anymore...especially from himself. He needs to do that. Hes really a nice guy, its just that his attitude completely sucks right now. Oh well. I dont like to dwell on the things I can not change, so I wont.

Storm - That sucks about your sibling. If she has no one to argue with, do you think she would continue that behavior? If you walked out of the room everytime she started. LOL. Would she follow you? I think that behavior is some form of insecurity to inflate self-worth. Does she only do it with you? If so, its maybe because she is comfortable with you. Some people feel it is easier to pick on some one they love than some one they dont know and could actually harm them. If you chose not to react, she might end up stopping after a while. I think people do it to get a reaction out of people.

Sercee - thanks for the hug. ya true, we will see how it goes. I know that I have to keep positive right now so I can remain positive on a consistant basis. Ive been trying to do this without drugs for quite a long time, but it never worked as effectively until last september when my mood lifted a lot. Ive been going to counseling though since its free at school. Sometimes I have my moments, but overall I recover faster and its became easier to stay happy compared to being upset.

So thus ends that saga. lol. I appreciate everyone sharing experience, caring words and advice.