Seeking other's thoughts...

[Zei]

When I write it down, it seems a little silly, but it's also not silly at all.

I'm very concerned for a friend of mine. I'm not usually one to say that open mindedness is a bad thing, but today I say... there is such a thing as being too open minded.

My 18 year old friend has just begun dating a 36 year old "nomad" which in this case is a pretty word for bum. They've been spending a lot of time together and I've expressed some concerns, such as:

1. He has no job, or stable income.
2. No car
3. He currently stays for free with a friend of his. His friend has gone out of town this week and for some reason he is not allowed to occupy the house while his friend is out of town... (red flags much? why would his friend trust him enough to live there for free but not enough to stay there when he isn't in town?)

What attracts her to him is that she claims her soul is drawn to the guy... what I really think is going on, (as I finally met him today) is that he's an older guy who is a little more mature than guys she's used to, is focused on spirituality and tells her all the things she wants to hear. She has a tendency to blame her soul for things that her mind concieved.

When I met him today, it was obvious that he hadn't showered in quite some time, he wore a wife beater and dirty jeans, and he was rail thin like a crack head.

When he did speak about spirituality... he honestly didn't wow me very much. I had read all of his "truths" before (i'm 17 years younger than the man....) He spoke about a lot of a science and attached many philosophies to them... but he didn't say anything that I hadn't learned in my high school physics class... that I slept through btw. He made up words like "scenarioized" and mis-used words like "cathartic" as a word to describe his sense of completion... that word doesn't go in the sentence he used...

THE MAN IS 36 YEARS OLD, a 19 year old should not be intellectually superior to you at that point in your life, especially when you claim yourself to be a great spiritual teacher. My god, he's had enough time to do some thought work and real research on some of the topics he's claimed to be so knowledgable about.

I'm rather distraught about this. I'm concerned for my friend. She says "What does age matter?" well... she can barely support herself, she has no idea where her next meal is coming from, and she moves a guy in her house that has no income and doesn't plan on getting one anytime soon because "nothing is satisfactory work, he chooses not to conform" .......

I respect all beings, I love him in the sense that I love all life, but my GOD there has to come a point where you say, "Is an interaction with this individual going to take me where I want to go? How will this serve me?"

Any thoughts? Any similar experiences? Am I just being judgmental? =/

[[cherokeewind]]

She has almost no money+ him no car, job, money, almost no place to live = disaster (in my opinion).

Money doesn't create happiness, it is just something we need to survive. Having a lot of money, can't bring love into a relationship...but, as the saying goes, "can't live on love alone."

If he is really serious, the guy should get cleaned up (workers make complaints about stinky people to bosses) and get a job. I've worked in places where if you would wear a T-shirt twice (2 days), in the summer time, people will comment about it.

[Zei]

Money doesn't create happiness, it is just something we need to survive. Having a lot of money, can't bring love into a relationship...but, as the saying goes, "can't live on love alone."

My thoughts exactly. An emphasis on material things and money aren't really a good thing... but to have absolutely NO focus on it whatsoever... that isn't good either. It isn't an accident that we were born into a world where money is the system we use as a common ground of value.

Honestly though, I don't believe that he disagrees with me. We were talking about material things and I interjected "Material things aren't bad, it's the attitudes that people have towards them that can make them bad." and we got into about that and he agreed.

That scares me. He agrees with me about that, and yet still hasn't a dime to his name or any assets. At 36... come on already!

[jcrowfoot]

At 36... come on already!

LOL. this guy sounds like someone I used to know. He wanted to date me SO badly... and while he was interested in spirituality, I think he was thinking in terms of ways to find a date. However, the ball dropping point was when I got a job and he started heckling me about it. Saying, "yeah, you work for the man" and that kind of BS. I mean, yeah, I was working for a large corperation, but they didn't own my soul. So after that, he wants me to move to a small town in the middle of no-where on the west coast. (my family, my friends, are all in the mid-west) Best of all, on a piece of property on his father's land. And how were we going to support ourselves? I was going to do tarot readings for people.

And I was friends with unemployed computer programmers.... so I didn't have loads of confidence that this was going to work. So he gets mad at me on the way out of town, and problem solved.

Another thing... I dated a 30 year old guy when I was a freshman in college. He, however, had a job. But, he dumped me when he figured out that I was serious. It was a pretty good relationship while it lasted though.

Personally, I think that when one is young (eg. 19) one is entitled to learn things the hard way. But if he's really a crack addict, you want to see if your friend is getting into that.

Further, it's possible that he may be on social security.

[sunstoneleo]

You know, I am having the same problem right now. My boyfriend is 20, does not have a job, never pays me back for anything (including internet and cable, of which i owe $300 for right now), doesn't have a car, and basically lives off of me. I love him, but I also hate him for what he does to me. He is always a jerk to me. I tried breaking up with him once, but it didn't go over so well. Oh, and did I mention all he does is play video games all day, and has been living at my apartment for over 3 weeks? I am on the verge of getting evicted, but he is going home on wednesday, I hope.

[Zei]

Personally, I think that when one is young (eg. 19) one is entitled to learn things the hard way.

That's a good point, and very true. Honestly though, I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and I don't know how much further my friendship can go on with this girl.

She calls me crying all the time about how her life is horrible and she just doesn't understand why. All these bad things happen to her and she just can't see that she brings these things on herself. She makes one poor choice after another.

It's too much on me. I try my best to open her mind to what is really the problem, but she doesn't care. She says that if she chose any other way it wouldn't be "her" but then she turns around and complains about the consequences and calls them unfair.

If that's who she is, I'm not so sure I want to surround myself with someone like that. The only thing I can control are my actions, and perhaps I'll have to take the action of pushing her away a little bit. Her behavior is very repelling and I can't stand to see someone I care about in so much pain all the time, especially when she refuses to take the steps to pull herself out of it.

She blames her life on bad karma... and uses that as an excuse for choosing poorly because her choices "feel good" well, eating potato chips feel good too, but if you always choose them, you'll clog your artaries and you'll have a painful and difficult existence. If that's what you want, then great! She claims she wants a difference experience, I have done everything I could to guide her in a more positive direction, but she doesn't want it, she wants to figure it out herself... but it isn't some deep spiritual dilemma! I hate it when people blame things on spirituality as an excuse for not truly assessing what the problem is. It isn't her soul, it's her mind that's bringing this all on.

[kikideenyc]

OMG...

I'd put on my Nikes and Run!!!!

Although I feel age shouldn't be an issue, this guy has "bumed" through life bending the minds of young girls to do his bidding. These type of people always know the right things to say to get that young mind hooked.<br>

The only crazy part about it is if you interfere too much, your friend will turn on you, accusing you for wanting her man, being jealous, etc. In time she'll see what's wrong (or right) with him. Sounds like she's from a small town and hasn't experienced too much of the "real world." Hope this guy isn't physically abusing her because he has already raped her mind....

[Wolf Heart]

I agree with Kiki, if you interefere too much your friend will turn on you. I know this for a fact from expierence.

I have a friend, sorry had, who is dating a 34 yr old who doesn't work and used to be (in my opinion still is) a crack addict. She is only 19 yrs old. She met him at a bar.

He does have his own place, he lives on social security or something of the sort. She threw her whole life away to be with this guy. She would call me saying she was scared and needed to get away from him, so I'd drop everything and go get her, then the next day she'd want to go back with him. She to has now quit her job and they pretty much use his social security and the little money he makes playing guitar at a bar to live. She always did say she would find a loophole in life that would cause her to not have to work.

Bah, if your friend can't see the truth she isn't worth dealing with. I've come to realize my friend was a selfish person. If she couldn't see how it was hurting her friends and family being with this guy, so much so that she has pushed everyone out of her life, then she's not worth it.

[kikideenyc]

Say it again Wolf Heart!!!

There is nothing more draining then to fall under the spell of someone like this. It's not only draining to the person going through it but to the friends/relatives trying to help.

I've been that route with my last relationship (2 yrs ago) and still messed up behind it while he moved on to destroy someone else's life.

An elder girlfriend of mine once told, these type of people can't do to you no more than you let them. At first I didn't want to hear it and almost turned on her. But in time I realized it is what it is and she was right. An I told you so type of moment.

I'm slowly getting back on track I just hope Zei's friend see the light before it goes any further.

Is this what disgruntled ghost do to people!? A horrible, horrible feeling and experience to go through....

[The Judge]

just to break the mood a little have you seen the tvshow "Are you smarter than a 5-yearold".

Any way maybe if you asked her to think on somw questions that might help her realize the truth.

Questions like:

"What is he doing to further you spiritualy?"

"What does he do to help out around the house?"

Or the best most to the point question ive come up with:

"What des he do for you?"

love is not a one way street there must be something returned or she will never be satisfied with the relationship later on down the road even if she doesn't yet she will.

[kikideenyc]

just to break the mood a little have you seen the tvshow "Are you smarter than a 5-yearold".

Any way maybe if you asked her to think on somw questions that might help her realize the truth.

Questions like:

"What is he doing to further you spiritualy?"

"What does he do to help out around the house?"

Or the best most to the point question ive come up with:

"What does he do for you?"

love is not a one way street there must be something returned or she will never be satisfied with the relationship later on down the road even if she doesn't yet she will.

If you recall, Zei said that he tells her everything she wants to hear. So he's got her convinced that he's on her level. This guy appears to be good at what he does, that's why she is so reluctant to leave him. I don't care what the guy does around the house, if he's not bringing something to the table (ie: A paycheck), he can't be around me. Girlfriend has to wake up now before he has her out there on drugs, prostituting, stealing, etc. It can get that bad.

Wheeeeeeeeeeew! I'm done!bigeyed-confused

[The Judge]

Their not questions for him to answer or for her to ask they are simply made to help her realize that he is doing nothing more for her than sustaining a feeling. It's a psychological thing really.

[kikideenyc]

Yep... stringing her along!

[Zei]

I'm happy to report that he's out of her life. She hasn't exactly told me what happened, but it sounds like he just up and disappeared... as drifters do. I'm just glad that's all over.

Unfortunately, our friendship is a bit strained. She was extra sensitive to my disaproval (she's always kind of looked up to me even though I'm only a year older than her, my life seems to go very smoothly and I get what I want from life, and she still doesn't so in that sense, she respects my opinion). I tried to not sound as though I was attacking her, but no matter what I said or the tone I used, she'd get mad and hang up. We haven't talked in a while.

Meh... whatever. If she can't understand that all I wanted to do was help her pick a better life for herself (which is what she wants too, a smoother experience) than oh fricken well.

[The Judge]

I would just give her some time but don't break contact with her or you might loose a friend just let her think things over a bit. Letters could help.