is god out to get me, or just plain evil???

molly · Post by **molly** » Sat Sep 04, 2004 8:05 pm

mm
hey everyone. I know everyone has to die sometime, but there's been so many tradgedies in my family that i was there to see - and I only turned 14 two weeks ago.
When I was 11, my family cat died - and I still haven't gotten over that. Then, my sis's guineapig died, then her other giuneapig died, then my mice all died, then my birds died, then my guineapig died, then my bros guineapig died, my nextdoor-neighbours dog (which i was attached to very much so) died then my other nextdoor neighbours dog died (likewise) and then my mums aunty died, then my aunty died then my grandpa had a heart attack last week and hes only just getting better and his right leg shut down and had to be amputated and he can barely walk on crutches and we dont have enough money to re-do his house with ramps and stuff and hes lived there since he was born and doesnt wanna move and we cant just put him in a oldfolks home and everything in my entire life is messed up now and i dont know what to do or how to fix it and every couple of seconds i feel like having another breakdown and...
i cant live like this. i used to cut myself and that helped a lot but it worried my mum a lot and shed cry every day thinking id kill myself at school and that messed up more things so i stopped cutting and ever since i did i cant concentrate on anything but the bad (and as i write this, i cry) and im having so much trouble with my family and friends and school and if a person i dont know walks past me in the street and looks at me for longer than a couple of seconds i yell at them and im really self-conscious now and ive got no esteem and nothing to keep me going apart from food/excersise and my gym closed down so now all i got is food and i gained 3kgs in the past week and now i hate going out
can somebody give me something to do???
my mate suggested i write stories for a living so i tried but in every one the main characters fall in love (which has never happened to me) and then someone dies and it becomes a crime story and im going nuts!!! ( a friend once told me that the second you think your going nuts is the second you realize that if you can think your going nuts then you know your not - im not so sure though)
sorry for becoming a rambling maniac, but i had to get that outta my system (for a couple of hours at least)

now i havent got food either (trying to lose weight again) and all i got is loud music and i used to be so good at school but now ive slacked off and i never work and i started smoking - until i started choking - and i dont know how to deal with my life anymore

please help me become me again (yeah. how are you meant to help me be me when i dont even know who im meant to be!) now im going thorugh identity crisis (i think thats what its called) and how can i act like myself when i dont know who that is!!!!!

(translation of entire ramble)
help me - im going crazy sitting here talking to nobody.

i wish i was still in primary school - i was happy once (belive it or not)... my hugest crisis back then was that my bro ate the last chocolate donut... i had tons of friends back then - now ive got 2. my only pet that lasted from when we moved out here when i was 7 is our bird, jason. She's basically the only solid thing in my life that i can always count on to be there.

sometimes i reckon god's out to get me, and other times i reckon he's not good, as people say, but evil to let all these things happen to me. I know, some kids on the other side of the world dont have tea every night, but thats their problem for now... i feel like crying more, only theres this huge lump in my thraot stopping me from talking and crying and i want to scream for a long time until everything in my life is better again.......
molly
bb

Post by **dread_pirate_steele** » Sat Sep 04, 2004 9:32 pm

I am Lee ***** And I approve of this message.

*warning* this post contains biased christian opinion. with this said- do not read it if you dont want to see it.

im hesitant in saying this on this board, but from what i think- you do not have to believe me when i say this, its just my opinion- god is not out to get you. my dad and my stepmom died within 1 month of eachother and i know i would be way different than i am now and i dont know how i would like that. i think that if god did indeed take down my stepmom and my dad it was for the better --> part of his plan. "all good things come from God"

Post by **Starwitch** » Sat Sep 04, 2004 10:34 pm

I agree... bad things usually happen for a reason. And that reason is more often than not to make you a stronger person mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

I guess my advice would be (and I know this would be hard), to try to spend more time thinking about good things and not all the bad things that are happening. It's hard I know, but every time you feel a bad thought starting, CUT IT OFF and think something good or neutral instead. If you do that over and over, then your mind will train itself to not think bad thoughts. I know because I've done it and it worked. And if you aren't THINKING about the bad things, then you won't feel bad. When the bad thought comes, have something pre-planned that you can think about instead. You could sing a song or go "BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!" over and over until you're laughing. Laughter is the best medicine. Rent a funny movie. Laugh as much as you can.

The other thing is to not let everything that happens affect you personally. Like all the animals that died. It's sad when a pet dies, but you can't get upset over every tragedy that happens or you'll be upset all the time. You guys had a LOT of guinea pigs by the way. Grieve over your own guinea pig and cat if you need to, but why grieve over your sister's guinea pig and your brother's guinea pig and every dog in the neighborhood? You'll be a miserable person if you let everyone else's problems get you down. You just have to decide that you are going to be stronger than that. Stay busy and you won't have time to think about those sorts of things.

Well, I do hope you feel better in the near future. Hopefully you won't resort to cutting. That seems to be a pretty popular trend these days, or at least there are a lot of cutters on this board. It's not nice to upset your mother, and I know you don't want to, so try to control those urges if you have them. And don't use drugs or smoke - it's just makes things worse. Really.

molly · Post by **molly** » Sun Sep 19, 2004 10:25 pm

mm
I just wrote in this reply to say 2 things... well, 3 really.
1st - sorry for being an overdramatic teen drama queen.
2nd - my guineapig died the other day, and while I did shed a tear or two, I totally respected... er, I'm not sure what the words are. I meant to say that I didn't go overboard and complain about everything happening to me or anything (cos now I think about it, worse happens to tons of people every day)... which I think you'll be glad to hear.
3rd - umm... my grandpa died on Saturday, at 1am. this is the only thing that gets me down now. I have 2 birthday parties of friends coming up this week - how do I celebrate someone being alive when I had a death of a close relative, the only person (apart from you guys) who didn't ever judge me for how I looked. so how do I look happy and not hog the limelight, when all I want to do is cry for awhile?

other than that, I wrote in to say (ok, so this is 4 things!) sorry for being an over-dramatic brat, but thanks for caring anyway. I guess being a spoilt brat is in my nature, but i am trying to stop!! *cheeky grin*
molly
bb

Sun Sep 19, 2004 10:54 pm

you just gotta do it. i was in a parade the day after my dad killed himself, i didnt have to go but i did.

Post by BlackenedRose* » Sat Feb 19, 2005 12:29 pm

In the end, life goes on. Things can only get better. I completely sympathise with you and yet you must be strong and happy. I completely respect you that you stopped cutting to help your mother, and that means you are not selfish or a brat.

Oh my god, was I just serious?!

x..Emma..x

Post by **Solus** » Sat Feb 19, 2005 4:02 pm

*Huggles*

Girl I lost my Grandfather when I was still a child, it was a defining point in my life. Do something that'll make you feel happy and erm... Chocolate. Chocolate helps... It really really helps.

~Solus~

Post by BlackenedRose* » Sat Feb 19, 2005 4:30 pm

Actually, that's true. Chocolate releases serotonin, the happy hormone.

Really off topic, but you know, i'm sad right now because my dad ate all the crunchie chocolate.

x..Emma..x

Avildar Ratlav · Post by **Avildar Ratlav** » Sat Feb 19, 2005 4:33 pm

Lol, guys like to be happy too. *Giggles* BlackenedRose

Post by BlackenedRose* » Sat Feb 19, 2005 4:36 pm

I wouldn't mind, but he bought 3 Turkish Delight ones, and they're still there! I hate Turkish Delight! C.S.Lewis put me off it for good.

x..Emma..x

Post by **Solus** » Sun Feb 20, 2005 1:28 am

I've only had turkish delight once and I've blocked that memory out...

*Pause*

WELL THIS WENT OFF TOPIC!

~Solus~

Post by **Solus** » Sun Feb 20, 2005 1:28 am

I've only had turkish delight once and I've blocked that memory out...

*Pause*

WELL THIS WENT OFF TOPIC!

~Solus~

Post by BlackenedRose* » Sun Feb 20, 2005 5:45 am

sowwy

x..Emma..x

Post by hedge* » Sun Feb 20, 2005 8:05 am

Hey there molly
sorry I haven't replied to your post before now.
gave some really good advice.
Life is full of tragedy, but it is also full of happiness too. Try to spend more time thinking about the happy things in your life.

hedgewitch